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| Don't look now but he's reaching for your crotch. |
Gate two is some form of internal HR who does sort of understand what is going on, and this is where the fun really begins. So, most HR people I've dealt with are nice. However most are also out of the loop. in One interview I had the HR person gave me the wrong address to the next meeting. In another they asked me to give a presentation on a software function, and gave me the wrong version of the software to work with. And in a third they somehow forgot to email me to tell me that I didn't get the job. In some cases they help to prep you for the next stage, and this too can go horribly wrong.
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| Going in circles and ultimately doing nothing since 1925. |
In the prepping stage I had one HR person directly tell me to doctor my resume and lie to the next person about experience I don't have. And in another they decided that even though I met and exceeded all the qualifications that were listed for the job, I was unqualified for the job. But if everything goes well you get lazily handed off to the next stage and that is where the fun really begins.
If you get past step two and three (which isn't that hard) you may find yourself facing a real person (Oooooooo). What they don't tell you is that these people generally also have virtually no experience in the hiring process somehow. They don't know what to ask or even what the answers mean. And being an introvert who hates dumb people, and stupid questions, and having my time wasted, you can imagine that I don't do too well. But the fun lies in the questions they ask. Check out some of these gems of modern interviews.
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| What does the fox say? |
1. "If you were an animal, what animal would you be?"
2. "What is your favorite Color?"
3. "What is your greatest weakness?"
4. "What is your astrological sign?"
5. "Why should I hire you?"
6. "What makes you different from the other applicants?"
7. "What makes you qualified for this job?"
8. (without giving you a figure to start with) "What is the least amount of money you would accept for doing this job?"
And the cream of the cream (that's right, it sounds stupid in our language but suffocated in theirs):
9. "Are you comfortable doing things well outside the job description if asked?"
Now let's get down to why these are dumb questions, because I can't even begin to answer why people ask them or what they think the answer will tell them about the interviewee.
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| My mantra. |
1. "If you were an animal, what animal would you be?"
- What the heck does this have to do with doing a job? Are we in elementary school? Is there a right or wrong answer? Do you want me to explain? Are extinct or imaginary animals off the list? My thoughts on this is that people may think they are either being funny (trying to diffuse the tension by wasting both of your times) or that perhaps the type of animal will say something about your personality, say for instance whether you are aggressive, or will crap on the floor of your office unprovoked. Otherwise though, it's just a waste of time.
2. "What is your favorite color?"
- Oh good, another kindergarten question. Would you also like to know my favorite shape? Or what my mom packed me for lunch today? What does this have to do with the job? Oh wait, I can answer that, nothing.
3. "What is your greatest weakness?"
- I personally take offense to this question. Every time I hear it I think "Who the hell are you to ask me that?" See it comes down to one of a few conclusions that make me want to punch the interviewer in the dick (or vagina... but somehow it just isn't the same) just for asking this. Either the person asking is using the interview to lord over you in a personal power trip, taking in something to hold over your head if in the future you work together (i.e. Douchebag), Or they think its an "intriguing" question because you are supposed to demonstrate growth or find a weakness that's secretly a strength or be creative. What they don't seem to get is how much of a dick question this is, interviewees are under pressure to answer AND are in an environment which they are not supposed to lie. This puts the interviewee in a position to compromise themselves morally for no damn good reason, essentially not only giving the interviewer a reason to not hire them, but also giving them information which is quite personal and could be hurtful, if people were really honest at least. .
4. "What is your astrological sign?"
- ??? Uh, what century is this? Do you also want to know which of my humors is out of balance, or how much money I gave to the church this year to ward off demons? I could also tell you what level my Paladin is if it'll help.
5. "Why should I hire you?"
- You tell me, you have my resume, you presumably read it, you know the job requirements, are you dumb and illiterate, or just dumb?
6. "What makes you different from the other applicants?"
- Again a question that the interviewer should know. How are you supposed to know about the other applicants? Presumably this is just to make you brag about yourself, but frankly its poorly worded for that answer. Just like many of these questions, the answer they are looking for does not directly correlate with the question they ask, thus making it a bad question. A good answer may be, "well I spoke with all the other candidates and they all agreed unanimously that I was the best choice."
7. "What makes you qualified for this job?"
- Much like question 5, this question makes me question the intelligence of the person asking the question. To ask this they A: don't trust HR and the contractors HR hired to get you this far (which is a great sign that so much money is going toward saving no time), B: have no idea what the job requires, C: have no idea what your resume says, or D: don't trust what you wrote about yourself. All in all a great way to start a job.
8. (often without giving you a figure to start with) "What is the least amount of money you would accept for doing this job?"
- This question is insulting, stupid, and inappropriate. Negotiation of the job's salary should be in one of two places. It is either upfront and unchanging (this job pays x and only x), or it is when you get the offer letter but before you are hired where you talk to the people who have the power to make this change. Asking this in any interview stage is an insulting weaselly way for them to underpay you. And nothing says happy worker like an under-payed worker.
9. "Are you comfortable doing things well outside the job description if asked?"
- Oh yes. Time to assume the position, and prepare to get your lawyer on speed dial. I have only heard this question once, but I'm not sure how on earth it got asked. Even more shocking is what it implies. Either they totally forgot to write down what you will do in the job, thus anything would be outside the description, or they want you to tell people you are an editor while you secretly smuggle drugs, immigrants, and Chihuahuas from Mexico on your business trips. If ever there were a shady question what makes you search the national sex-offenders database for your boss, this is it.
How did we fall so far? Why does one or more of these questions come up in every interview I have had in the past year? Since when did HR outsource their own jobs to someone even more useless than they are? Who is paying for all this wasted time?
See, if you really want to get to know a candidate, you need to see them doing something related to what they will be doing, interacting with the people they will be interacting with, and maybe assure them that their boss will not be an ignorant dick and/or sexual predator.
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| Working "Over-Tim" tonight?... Overtime I meant Overtime! |
Other good ways to test people:
- drive somewhere with them in the passenger seat, and take your hands off the wheel and cover your eyes while careening towards a cliff and see if they manage to get out alive.
- tell them that the interview begins when you drop them in a field and that they must evade both bears and a person hunting them for sport for 24 hours.
- Fake an office terror attack and see who the would-be employee uses as a human shield.
- Lock them in the conference room and tell them that an odorless deadly toxin is being pumped in and ask them what they want told to their loved ones.
- Hand them an unloaded gun just to see what they do with it.
or the ever-popular:
- tell them that you will be bugging their house to observe them over the next week and see how long it takes before they change their daily routine.
The sky is the limit when it comes to both good questions and good tests for people. Feel free to hire me if you need a new HR department and are open to unusual ways of testing people. I may charge as much as an entire department, but you can rest assured that I will produce results that will tell you something true about your candidates and how they work under pressure.
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