After Party

Would you tell me the truth
if it would hurt what we are
do you respect me enough
to not lie to my face
will you give me a straight answer
when i ask a straight question

Well, today is the day after the wedding. The wedding was the best I have ever been at. My blind date went well, she enjoyed the party and taught me how to swing dance a bit. I also got to dance with all of the brides maids and the bride. I did a ridiculous amount of drinking (in order: 1 tall beer, 1 double shot of rum, 2 glasses of wine, 3 long island ice teas, 5 more glasses of wine) but stayed coherent through the night. The wedding was good because almost everyone there was having a good time. I've been to a lot of weddings and normally either due to stress or other factors or pressures people do not in fact have a good time. But when the bride and groom and their families and friends are all having fun, the other guests do too. Everyone was where they needed to be mostly on time, everyone did what they needed to do, and logistically it all worked smoothly. The only catch was two people who were not having fun. Namely the best man, and his ex who I was escorting. He spent most of the evening moping outside, and she spent most of the evening not having fun because she said he would beat people up if they danced with her. Well, she may have been right, I posted a joke on her wall about how since she was the only single bridesmaid I was required to hit on her, and I got a very offended and angry response from him. It's sad, those two I think could have made it, but due to some personality incompatibilities they broke up several months ago.

Well, now the bad pictures of me will start rolling in and I'll get in trouble for things I've said. Next on my list is to spend some time with my first date who bailed on me. While I do that I plan to mope about my one year pre-arranged backup who bailed on me.

The wedding did inspire a new wine name though: Silver Bitch (a mispronunciation of the wine "Silver Birch") I think this would make a fantastic expensive wine name.

... respect is a thing that is earned, not a thing that is deserved...

The Perfect Funeral

Well, today was my birthday. Although, it felt more like a funeral. The day went nicely, it was quiet and simple. Mom made me a meal, I had a shot with a friend, and a hand full of people I haven't spoken to in years sent me wishes on my facebook wall. But all in all today felt like a funeral, many people I was around were having bad days. No celebration was planned by any of my friends, and I got one present, my grandmother sent me a card. My friends did go out to dinner with me though, five of them made the time. One of which spent the whole time hitting on another who is taken, and she spent the whole time flirting in a not-so-harmless way with him, and another of which ignored me most of the time. For the most part everyone was content to carry on their own conversations and ignore my input. The one friend who was hitting on the other picked up her meal, I covered myself, and only one friend even noticed that. Later though two of those five did spend some time with me and that was nice as unlike the time at dinner, I was not being insulted for my choice of meal, choice of other friends, and general path in life. I just don't know what to think or feel. I mean, I know that lots of people had bad days, like my parents, and I know that many people are stressed about the up coming wedding. It did mean a lot that people posted on my wall, and that my grandmother sent me a card and that my mother made me dinner, that two friends did not ignore me at dinner, and that one friend had a drink with me, but I feel neglected by everyone I plan parties for, buy presents for, and go out of my way to make smile. I don't know. I'm not trying to complain about any of this, I do go out of my way to remove my birthday so that only people who send me wishes because they want to, and not because they see a notification and feel like they should. I don't plan parties for myself or ask for things. And the stupid irony is, I wish people would do the things I do for them for me. Oh well, that's just stupid me, wishing people would do something without being asked to. It's a shame, today would be a fabulous day to end it. What more is there to life for me? Well, I got my tux for the wedding today, so I need to hang around until Saturday at the earliest... Depression sucks, especially when taken with the cold chaser of reality.

The Painter

To accurately represent the world, one must learn to paint in all of the colors, not just the ones that people like to see. To have all of the colors needed you must have lived all of the various ways to truly know their merits and pitfalls. Only after you have felt the pains of having saved a life, and having taken life away, only then when you have walked the path in both directions, will you know enough of the world to know how to portray it as it is. The world without bias, the world in true color.

Unus alius

Yo, well another long year has passed and in one day I will have gained what no man can take away... Age. I found this and think you guys should go through yours, see what you can find. Well, time to get back to work... I still need to figure out a good ending to my book.

unus alius annus perfectus est

Lying as a Way of Life

I just watched "The Invention of Lying" and despite my mediocre expectations, and a grand amalgamation of comedy actors, I may have had a revelation from it. My old way of telling the truth to people, being an open book and a welcome mat and a stepping stone, and my truthful responses to "How are you" just to watch people not care that every day is a struggle, Or realizing that they won't care if I do tell them that, and just omitting the hardships. All of that may be worth an experiment.

Perception is Reality

Why not? I have always prided myself on my ability to manipulate, and I have always held myself back from it. But why not start running full force into it. And learn to lie while I'm at it. Now I'm not talking about any serious fraud or perjury but rather an attempt to improve my own life's quality. Worth some testing I'd say...

What if a smart, funny, kind, bald man could be more than a lonely, simple, poor fool?

What if... the looser could rise above?..

Landslide

Ah, back from the bachelor party. Kinda disappointed though, we all went camping... yup that was it. No strippers, no outrageous feats of strength, no obscene over-drinking, no gauntlets of manliness to run, no toasts and no roasts, just camping. It was, however, a good time to reflect on life... er, that is trying to get to sleep on the cold hard ground. It's about time for me to move on... to what I don't know, and I do know I've brought this up before.

I just want somebody to love. But see, it's not that simple, hopefully that person will love me back. Things at home are getting more and more rough. Aside from the ever constant "what did you get a degree for again?" that happens, I have the "You need to blah blah blah" more recently this has culminated in the need to buy/repair many of the things on my car, most predominantly of the bunch being new wheels. Now, over the weekend my parents bought high quality, long lasting expensive wheels for my sister's car. Yeah, the one that cost like 6x as much as mine, is 12 years newer, and she didn't pay for. Whereas my car, that I paid for and is 3/4 my age needs new stuff that I have to buy. Also two new laptops and a full ride to a private college. Not that I have brought this up, but seriously guys, I can feel the cold shoulder but look at the economy and my degree. I know I chose this life and it hasn't quite worked out yet but could'ya please not go out of your way to show me you don't like me any more. I mean, the constant nagging and bickering is a nice reminder of that, and the occasional interrogations and yelling for things I was never told to do in the first place but seriously.

So I believe it all comes down to somebody to love... or as I said before, some one who will actually love me back unconditionally, with a high paying job or not, just because I am me... no other reason. I think that would be a bright and encouraging life, to know that someone would care. But dare I ask more, what about a person who would go out of their own way for me... That's obviously too much as for the past week I've been sending an open invite to join me at a wedding. Now, both of my pre-arranged people bailed on me, and a third tried but could not change their work schedule. The first two I cast shame on, the third I thank for the effort but is that all? After all of the times in all of the ways that I have gone out of my way and set aside time to do things for people, and no one will come join me at a catered dinner? What the hell do I associate with you people for? Why do I do things for you if you don't care about me enough to return the favor. I didn't originally help you expecting anything in return, but doesn't that mean something to you that I did help you? I'm frustrated, people suck, even the good ones let you down. But of all the people I know, and I know many, and many of which I have personally helped, and I have helped many, only one dared respond to my cries of help. One. Shame.

A Bit Behind

Ok, so It's been a while. Much has happened which can be condensed into me saying that not much has happened. Some stuff has happened which I will explicit not write about. I had a nice personal vacation last weekend cabin-ing. I've done some subbing here and there which is where I am right now. I had both my primary and my secondary people drop me for the upcoming wedding (quite disappointing), and am now keeping my fingers crossed for the late addition. Right now I'm in a classroom eating Chick-fil-a (given to all the teachers today) just letting the time pass. I've already had the pleasure of torturing two classes and have more coming in a bit. After this, I go down town to run sound, to then around 10 pm finally head out to the bachelor party. We're going camping, boring for a bachelor party I know, but it should be a good time (if we don't all freeze). My hope is to find the campsite, though I'll be arriving around 12 am... so... hopefully the unmarked forest road will be easy enough to find...

On the bright side I got to take care of a sick friend who was so sick that they probably wont remember falling asleep on me twice and then later having me help dress them... never mind, that's not such a positive (I'm selfish enough to want recognition for my selfless acts. hahaha).

80 million hobbies

I was told today that I have, as the title suggests, 80 million hobbies. Now I'm not exactly sure if this is a positive or negative trait, but it doesn't sound too bad. I will admit to having a varied set of interests which seem to encompass but are not limited to A: everything and B: anything else. For instance I started cataloging languages I know something about the other day. Check it, in total I know pieces of something like eight different languages. I wish that I knew more as I can only truly read and write in two and struggle with the other six at best, but know enough to get by with the basics of communication. It is always important to be able to say hello, ask how a person is doing, ask where the bathroom is, and know about the culture enough to know what is customary.

But, I need to realize that I am good enough. I don't need to try to be impressive with my wealth of knowledge, my many talents, or my not-rich status. I just don't know how to go about proving to people that I am worth their time. I guess the base question is "why?" Why in the first place do I feel a need to prove myself? I generally find that my natural gifts easily lead to me telling impressive tales, and it does not help that I studied story telling and can innovate on the impressiveness in the spirit of story telling. So to be kind I keep my mouth shut, help out where ever and when ever I can, and am generally courteous. This, however, generally leads to being taken advantage of and blown off, generally classified as not-interesting.

Well whatever, their loss right. The book is coming along, I am really proud of it. Like, proud enough to think it could actually do well. On top of that some friends have helped me to come to a grand realization. If editors or publishers want me to make major structural changes I can argue against this, as, I am, randomly, a specialist on the topic in which I am writing. I am not just Joe the guy who wants to write a kid's fantasy book. Rather I'm the rambling guy who studied storytelling, folklore, culture, fairy-tales, creative writing and even kid's books (whatda ya know). Who would have thought that such a random set of skills would actually qualify me for something, and that something is writing.

Well, in a few hours I get back to a friend's wedding. All joy and hope to them for the future, as I'm not sure who is more blessed by this union. What I do know, is that I am never doing another wedding for free again. But besides that, if everything goes well with the two systems... omitted... and many other problems, let's hope things go well. Although, I'm sure they will as I am the best and know what I am doing. Congrats guys!

Kids:

At the wedding rehearsal I spent a good deal of time watching two kids run around (partially as there was little to do and they were having fun and partially to make sure they did not hurt themselves or mess up my sound system). I later got to talk to a friend about kids some. Her feeling was that they are cute... when you can give them back. This is too true, but even such I fear that I am growing more and more to accept the idea of kids. You know, kids, the bane of social life if there ever was one (acne is only a deterrent, not a bane). And if anything I have ever known was re-enforced today by kids it's that girls are not evil, as some of them are in fact nice... not to me, per say, but to cute little kids... hmmmm if I put my brain into a little kid's body,.... Just think of what I could get away with.... Hmmmmmmm