---WARNING--- The following tale contains material that may not be suitable for children. This tale employs the use of violence, sex, drugs, nudity, vulgar language, rabid animals, racist stereotypes, hate crimes, historical inaccuracies, racial profiling, American consumerism, Santa clause, magic, witchcraft, warcraft, and other such devices that may not be appropriate for anyone in particular. If you find such things offensive by reading this you legally wave your ability to bring lawsuit against the writer, as well as any future, present, and past monetary compensation or assets you posses or gain.
Thats right, its that time of year again. Time for another OTAHT. This year children the tale begins in the year 2012 when Frosty the Snowman gets a hold of a time machine. You see kids, Frosty lives forever and every Christmas he re-forms like that guy in Terminator II. In 2012 Frosty goes back in time and takes with him the schematics for both a time machine and the microwave oven. Frosty chose to leave the year 2012 since he knew that the apocalypse was coming and Christ was about to return, and he feared the brimstone that would rain from the heavens and the lake of fire as he had not been good that year, as well as the fact that Jesus would probably abolish winter once he came to reign over the various religious sects of Christianity after publicly denouncing Scientology.
So Frosty went back in time to give his plans to a young bright child named Bill Gates who used the plans to make a cloning device that would only produce evil from its rusty metallic womb. This device was named Windows. Next Frosty went back in time again to find a boy named Steve Jobs, who he gave the design specs to windows to. Frosty knew that with these specs Jobs would be capable of inventing another similar device of even more concentrated evil known only by the secret acronym MAC that would be capable of reproducing in full the distilled embodiment of evil and magic that lead to the magic hat which Frosty himself wore.
With this new found power Frosty was finally able to replicate himself, not unlike the Borg but with snow, and he moved to the south pole to begin the buildup of a clone army with which he could destroy the republic. Frosty worked at cloning himself for many years which lead to a decrease in polar ice accumulation and speculation about global warming. But once the year 2007 rolled around again, Frosty was ready and once again employed his time machine to once and for all end his definite demise at the source.
The Frosty army traveled back to the year 0ad and sought out the Christ child, who was the only one who could permanently destroy him by unanimous vote to abolish winter. Frosty followed the very same star which led the wise men to the child. Once Frosty found the stable, he used his secret Power Rangers maneuver to combine each of his cloned army Frostys into one Über Frosty.
Über Frosty marched across the landscape of the middle east, crushing every inn and tavern he came across. But the Nativity characters had been expecting this and had armed themselves with missile-toe and big sticks. Frosty stepped on one wise man, but another used a holy hand grenade and took out a large portion of Über Frosty's left leg. Frosty came back by making snowballs out of his own firmly packed flesh, and with these he decimated the shepherd offensive. The angels with flaming swords swooped in to protect their leader, melting holes in Über Frosty as they went, but Frosty's snowballs were to great for the winged messengers. Über Frosty swatted the angels out of the sky much like King Kong fought off biplanes, the fantastic four, and sputnik.
The ice machine of secular consumerism marched on and crushed Joseph with a fist full of snowy death. All of the commotion awoke the child, who like superman flew up out of his manger and punched through the heart of the great snow-beast. Baby Jesus fought like Yoda, spinning and flipping and flying, too small for Über Frosty to keep up with. But for all of his powers, Baby Jesus could not destroy the beast. Baby Jesus punched out one of Über Frosty's coal eyes, but the powers of the magician's top hat could not be undone.
With a powerful and lucky strike, Über Frosty knocked Baby Jesus through one side of the stone inn and out the other, but the baby had a trick left up his swaddling cloth. Baby Jesus came back to life and raised his chubby toddler hand saying "Stop! You do not belong in this time Über Frosty, I banish you to Walmart!" And with those words a dimensional rift to hell opened and swallowed Über Frosty whole. As he was struggling to escape his eternal doom to be forever depicted as a plastic light up lawn ornament, his hat fell off and blew away. Baby Jesus may have won this day, but rest assured Über Frosty would return with a vengeance.
And that kids is why we celebrate Christmas. Now I am off to hell... Err, I mean bed. Merry Christmas Everyone!
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