Why Not?

I have seen fire, and I have seen rain. I have seen sunny days that I thought would never end, I've seen lonely times that I could not find a friend, but I'd always thought...

As the new year begins I figured I'd do a bit of reflection, which is usually a bad thing, and some vocalized pondering. See, this is my element, here I can think out my argument, and though it may be late, it is more coherent than my on-the-spot reactions and thoughts.

To start new year's eve was good, I was privileged enough to spend it with some wonderful people. I had a good time, but hopefully provided enough entertainment as to not just be a jerk to everyone else. I have been feeling jerkish more and more often, but its not the type of jerk I wish to portray. See it is no secret that on occasion I "try" to be a jerk, but its one of those things where you catch yourself saying something mean or vain that just simply did not need to be said. But if those present will forgive me or if they will not, I still had a good time and hope they did too.

The reflection I am doing not even I truly understand. See it's like I'm looking at you through the glass, don't know how much time has passed, but all I know is that it feels like forever... And no one ever tells you that forever feels like home. But how much is real? I was able to spend some quality time (which is hard) with a friend who I had something of a falling out with years ago. We talked, and as seems to happen from time to time I got another version of the impetus as to our root problem. The why if you will. Additionally, as has been consistent, the "why" holds lasting effects in the present and is the reason that we can never go back.

It was odd, it was like myself and a friend started a journey together but not. For a while we walked together towards our destinations, which although were different could have existed along the same path. Somewhere along the way however we got separated by a thick and dark wood, something too great of an obstacle to allow us to continue. Both of us had different views as to how to get around this, there were several paths through, but the forest was so large there was no way around. We ended up taking different paths, headed towards the same eventual destination, but when I emerged from the wood my friend was still walking the path that was chosen, but what I had never realized is that though our destinations were the same, the two paths would never again meet, nor would they both end at the same place. Somewhere in the wood a stream trickled, and ever so slowly in twain it split the paths, becoming a river by the time we emerged from the wood. And now once again I have spotted traces of the other path, but it is far off and I fear my friend will not hear my calls, nor at this point will they want to.

It was odd, see I have always known the "why" but it always seemed like a problem that could have solutions. Though water is treacherous people still learn to swim, and with enough time and effort bridges can be built, but I fear it may be, just as it has always been, too little too late. Hearing the why that I knew in my heart somehow did not hurt or change anything. I suppose going so long without closure, it had formed a sort of closure within itself. The sad thing is, I'm not sure if I care. Some friends, indeed all friends are worth reaching out to to keep in your life, but if they do not reach back can you do anything? I guess the old romantic comedian side of me just wishes old wounds could heal with a witty and shockingly unimaginative act of fate that would force everything to work out and everyone to live happily ever after. But then I question this notion of "happily ever after" and though to my core I am a cynic and a skeptic, I have to believe that it can exist, for if I chose not to I don't think I could live.

As you can see this post is titled, "why not," and the inherent problem is other than asking I can do nothing. People will choose to do what they will, and it is only mine to do or die, and not so much to wonder why. I know that any argument I could try to bring up means nothing, because I cannot make decisions for others. You get so far into things like this that they pass you by and while your head is spinning they reach a point of critical mass where your actions no longer mean anything towards affecting the outcome. Frankly, it's a damn shame, and I wish things could be different. So I guess all I can do is hope that someone asks the same questions I do, and comprehends the weight of their meanings.

For if when A exists, B cannot, why can the formula not be re-written from the beginning? It would be hard work, and seem like a waste of time, but... why not?

There are many of you who I have missed opportunities to catch up with recently. And in fact, to my own demise, a good handful of you who I have missed opportunities to catch up with read this... Or, at least you say you do, this post is a bit long so I'm not sure how many will finish it.

But of you this year I ask forgiveness and mercy. To all of you I shall try to grant the same. I will try to always be there for you, all I ask is that you try the same. I love you guys, I really do. In you I find strength and direction, and through you I live. Things are never as simple as they seem, and every solution can cause more problems than it fixes. But this year, ask yourself, why not. I encourage you to do as I say, and not as I do. Go out and do the things that sound crazy, or that are difficult while you are able, take hold of those times that you will look back on with regrets, overcome your fears and make things happen. I would say try to do this in a rational way, but far too often that is used as an excuse against taking action that later leads to regret. When frankly, people understand that people make mistakes, and if they take to greatly to a first offense, well then at least you tried.

The great intellectual and philosopher Theodor Geisel once said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Read his quotes, I find them all to be true.