Saturday, February 28, 2009
Today
Life is good. Yesterday life was good. Yesterday, that would be the 27th I had a great day. No major problems, I'm not behind schedule with anything, I'm doing well. Friends are good, work is good, and life is good. Today is a good day.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The Legend
I can't get that Zelda song out of my head. It fascinates me. It made me further examine the Zelda time line and use my folklorist lenses to dig deep into the modes present therein. It is so simple that it's genius really. See, you have three characters, a princess, a villain, and a hero. The princess represents the Triforce of wisdom, the villain that of power and the hero that of courage. The true and first princess, the one for whom the legend is named, sleeps for all eternity... at least until the hero of legend defeats evil once and for all, saving the land that the princess is from. Along the way the hero must quest for items, while along a road of trials that improves his personal character and ability. The hero is tested by fire, ice, plants, the living and even the dead (normally the test of the dead comes late in the story but not at the end, more along the lines of the 75% mark where all great heroes who travel to the underworld (greek/roman epics) make their journey within the greater narrative). After all of this the hero gains the sword (in some games it is the master sword) which is magical. Other items the hero Link usually acquires are a musical instrument of some sort, a mirrored shield (to reflect the evil of the enemies back at themselves... or show them the light as it bounces off you) and who can forget a trusty boomerang and last but not least bombs... After unlocking the power within, and mastering the skill of the external that is the sword (also bow and horse or raft), the hero learns magic and breaks beyond the barriers of the physical world to reach "The Golden Land" a place beyond that, although once was wondrous, is now corrupt (funny how gold does that, think of leprechauns or people who have it). In the end, evil is defeated, the world is brought back into balance, and a common elven boy wearing green (the traditional color of the fae) ends up saving the land and marrying the princess of legend... Ah... Now that is the world I want to live in... Sigh....
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Tick Tock
For over two weeks now my left eyebrow has been randomly twitching throughout the day. I would have no problem with this (as occasionally I get such odd facial ticks) except that I do not want to accidentally send the wrong message to anyone I'm talking to. I couldn't begin to tell you what causes these, or why some only go on for a few days and others weeks. But now you know, my face twitches involuntarily.
A portrait of my life:
It hit me, I was sitting at my computer when I realized how nerdy I really am. Directly in front of me was this:
And immediately to my left was a laptop watching this week's episode of House. For reference that formula is a build time calculation dependent on energy and mass ratio's of the total build time efficiency of upgrading mass extractors (images taken from: http://supcomfaguide.com/chapter1.html)(... its all very complicated and technical I assure you). The sad thing is... I follow this... and I majored in English... :'(
The rest of my life has been taken up by doing more subbing. Now unlike other subs, I happen to actually teach things in class and force the students to do work under threat of physical and mental anguish. Which then greatly confuses me since yesterday I had a student walk by my class room and yell out "Dude it's Mr. Cooper, He's the coolest sub ever!" The students have been teaching me much, the other day I discussed the finer points of "Street Fighter" with one guy who ended up offering me a copy of his street fighter four game. As it turns out, a passion for gaming connects me and the students quite easily. Many of the students seem to think it's cool that I game and peruse gaming. And even though I have had to bust one kid for cheating, and pester many thousands upon thousands about getting back to their work, I have taught them something about how to better hide their slacking and fake doing work and secretly play games.
Unfortunately I fear this may indicate my calling in life. Alone, getting paid next to nothing, having a blast torturing kids... But the students have also gone a long way to help teach me things. For example, they have shown me many new and interesting things I can link to (okay, so some of these are old, but still good).
For those die-hard table-top RPG fans, you definitely need to read this.
A portrait of my life:
It hit me, I was sitting at my computer when I realized how nerdy I really am. Directly in front of me was this:
And immediately to my left was a laptop watching this week's episode of House. For reference that formula is a build time calculation dependent on energy and mass ratio's of the total build time efficiency of upgrading mass extractors (images taken from: http://supcomfaguide.com/chapter1.html)(... its all very complicated and technical I assure you). The sad thing is... I follow this... and I majored in English... :'(
The rest of my life has been taken up by doing more subbing. Now unlike other subs, I happen to actually teach things in class and force the students to do work under threat of physical and mental anguish. Which then greatly confuses me since yesterday I had a student walk by my class room and yell out "Dude it's Mr. Cooper, He's the coolest sub ever!" The students have been teaching me much, the other day I discussed the finer points of "Street Fighter" with one guy who ended up offering me a copy of his street fighter four game. As it turns out, a passion for gaming connects me and the students quite easily. Many of the students seem to think it's cool that I game and peruse gaming. And even though I have had to bust one kid for cheating, and pester many thousands upon thousands about getting back to their work, I have taught them something about how to better hide their slacking and fake doing work and secretly play games.
Unfortunately I fear this may indicate my calling in life. Alone, getting paid next to nothing, having a blast torturing kids... But the students have also gone a long way to help teach me things. For example, they have shown me many new and interesting things I can link to (okay, so some of these are old, but still good).
For those die-hard table-top RPG fans, you definitely need to read this.
Monday, February 23, 2009
the Fairer sex
As I approach 100 posts, I seem to be slowing down. Maybe it's life getting in the way or maybe I'm just getting boring and have nothing to talk about. On sunday I went with a good friend to see another friend. And although Jaimie no longer works at BG and we no longer see her for HPBN she is still in our hearts and minds. Seeing her at her new job was good if not slightly awkward and fun. Upon first entering the door we were asked if one of us was her boyfriend. Then later when we told her of this she responded in saying "Can it be a bad thing if they think you're my boyfriend?" She continued to say that she has no problem with others thinking that we are dating. Well girl, if it didn't sound creepy and awkward (My only saving grace here is that I did not say it, you did) I would totally take you up on fake dating you. Then at least I could tell people that I have a smart, kind, and attractive girlfriend. But alas, life is not that way. It was good to see and catch up with her. Although we only had one class together, the bonds of HPBN are not easily broken. I was depressed however to learn that her real boyfriend has not visited her at her new job, and constantly makes fun of her still being a waitress even now with a college degree. That makes me sad, she is a great person, and even if it is just in jest, he should support her (And yes it is there for those of you laughing to yourself that I am writing with an undertone of a discreet admiration and maybe even a bit of a childhood crush. Jaimie, if you read this, its true, I think you rock and have totally made my list of "potentially datable people" (see Son of a... for reference) so please take that as a complement).
Moving on to another woman in my life, recently I was tagged in a note that mused about the future, love, life and fairy tale endings. It happens to have been written by a person I have discussed here before and for reference goes back to the "sleep sweet" quote. Now, with my past work in folklore, I could not help but comment about the snow-ball like qualities of such stories and the particular nature of their collaborative construction and eternal modernization. But aside from my own personal nerdynesses I have but to wonder why I was one of like two guys tagged in the note, the other one of which she has had a monster crush on in the past. Oh well, to cut a long winded story short, fairy tales do exist, if you intentionally neglect to mention about 50% of the content of your life... and doctor up the rest to be more magical... you can always use fairy dust... always.
Moving on to another woman in my life (this post is named for them, geez what did you expect) this weekend I'll be down visiting my old friend... and maybe my best friend. She is busy but has cleared a day for me, so that is exciting, but I hope I don't end up wasting her time. We had a falling out some time ago, but since have been trying to put things back together. It is going well, its rough at times, but its making positive headway which is always good.
And that's about it for now, sorry Jaimie for the pseudonym, but I figured what better way to reference you than the way you chose to here. And no post of mine would be complete without a reference to games, so, have at you!.. and please do it proper justice and just let it play... and the next track... and the next...
Moving on to another woman in my life, recently I was tagged in a note that mused about the future, love, life and fairy tale endings. It happens to have been written by a person I have discussed here before and for reference goes back to the "sleep sweet" quote. Now, with my past work in folklore, I could not help but comment about the snow-ball like qualities of such stories and the particular nature of their collaborative construction and eternal modernization. But aside from my own personal nerdynesses I have but to wonder why I was one of like two guys tagged in the note, the other one of which she has had a monster crush on in the past. Oh well, to cut a long winded story short, fairy tales do exist, if you intentionally neglect to mention about 50% of the content of your life... and doctor up the rest to be more magical... you can always use fairy dust... always.
Moving on to another woman in my life (this post is named for them, geez what did you expect) this weekend I'll be down visiting my old friend... and maybe my best friend. She is busy but has cleared a day for me, so that is exciting, but I hope I don't end up wasting her time. We had a falling out some time ago, but since have been trying to put things back together. It is going well, its rough at times, but its making positive headway which is always good.
And that's about it for now, sorry Jaimie for the pseudonym, but I figured what better way to reference you than the way you chose to here. And no post of mine would be complete without a reference to games, so, have at you!.. and please do it proper justice and just let it play... and the next track... and the next...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Return of the Coopmeister
This whole week I spent doing honest work for honest pay (I know, you are thinking "wha? you do honest work?.. Nah..."). I spent every day, bright and early from the crack of dawn to the mid of afternoon in high school torturing kids... er... teaching kids. Yes, I was teaching, not subbing (well technically subbing) but teaching. And I loved it. I took over a friend's English class for a few days to go over the Canterbury Tales with them. In two days time, we had finished two weeks worth of tales in every class, and only on average three people were asleep at any given point in time. For the most part I looked over seniors, but while there I also taught an ESOL class, an English 10 class on Shakespeare, and a day's worth of normal and AP gov. Every class with seniors went well. It usually started with them trying to get the better of me, then me giving them a choice. The choice was simple, if they were quiet, listened, and answered my questions I would read to them. If they were not, they would bump read and I would assign homework... they chose wisely. Once we finished I let them do whatever, which one day even included trying to name all 151 original Pokemon. I only abused my power a little... dropping books on the desks of kids who were sleeping, sitting right next to and joining the conversation with those who feel the need to talk about their personal lives while I am reading, coming up behind and placing my hand on the shoulder of the people who are texting or playing hand-held video games... Yeah that's right I'm silent... as one kid put it, like a ninja...
I say teaching rather than subbing because teaching is what I did, we didn't just pop in a movie, I went over the lessons they were working on, and made great progress as well. The ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) class went well, it had scared me at first since I am not approved to teach that in that subject area, but the kids were great and we got through two chapters in the book they were reading. The 10th grade English class was by far the worst with people getting into fights, throwing stuff, screaming at each other... it was just bad. To end the week I covered a Gov class in the computer lab. This provided a whole new brand of challenge as I was constantly walking around trying to get people to do work and not play games, do work for other classes, or go to inappropriate sites (yes, they did go to inappropriate sites...). And they wholeheartedly felt the need to test me on this. I caught three kids in bold faced lies, and made them explain themselves until the lies broke and they gave up... you know the
"That does not look like the work you should be doing."
"Oh, I finished my work."
"Really, cool, well if you did then that's fine, can I see it so I can check off that you did it?"
"ugh... It's in my back pack, it will take some time to get out."
"I have the time, once I see it i can check it off and you can get back to your games."
"Ok, so I'm not done, but I finished three of the five"
"yeah, get back to work..."
Many exchanges went like this. And those who thought they could just minimize inappropriate sites were shocked to find I could read, and read aloud I did. Those who were quick to close the windows, were not ready for my silent approaches and the hand on their shoulder. But after I proved to them that I am not a fool, and not a jerk, they respected me and most of them stopped goofing off.
All in all I had two kids stay after class to tell me that I was a cool sub, I had a few even say hi to me in the halls during other periods, and a few even hung out with me during the home room time. It was good. Ha, I even had some of the English kids in my Gov class, one of which brought me a late pass written by my old English 12 teacher, I sent the kid back to explain to the teacher that I would not accept the pass, and explain who I was. Power is a fun thing to abuse. Twice I got paid to go home early, and twice to have a two hour paid lunch, and that is after offering to work during those times. So I wandered between the workrooms on my lunch break, spending time with mainly the English and History teachers. My name and number got passed around the History work room which is how I landed the Gov class job, and why I named this post what I did. That was exclaimed by my 9th grade world history teacher when he saw me in the building. That was what he used to call me, hahaha and now does again.
But all this fun and work does have its price, I have been going to bed early and sleeping well, barely enough time during the day to get a full game of anything in... But I have started another KotOR II game... The abundance of music videos make me laugh... laugh hard... so hard it hurts... I love those games!.. And the characters are great!.. And who could ever forget HK-47?
I say teaching rather than subbing because teaching is what I did, we didn't just pop in a movie, I went over the lessons they were working on, and made great progress as well. The ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) class went well, it had scared me at first since I am not approved to teach that in that subject area, but the kids were great and we got through two chapters in the book they were reading. The 10th grade English class was by far the worst with people getting into fights, throwing stuff, screaming at each other... it was just bad. To end the week I covered a Gov class in the computer lab. This provided a whole new brand of challenge as I was constantly walking around trying to get people to do work and not play games, do work for other classes, or go to inappropriate sites (yes, they did go to inappropriate sites...). And they wholeheartedly felt the need to test me on this. I caught three kids in bold faced lies, and made them explain themselves until the lies broke and they gave up... you know the
"That does not look like the work you should be doing."
"Oh, I finished my work."
"Really, cool, well if you did then that's fine, can I see it so I can check off that you did it?"
"ugh... It's in my back pack, it will take some time to get out."
"I have the time, once I see it i can check it off and you can get back to your games."
"Ok, so I'm not done, but I finished three of the five"
"yeah, get back to work..."
Many exchanges went like this. And those who thought they could just minimize inappropriate sites were shocked to find I could read, and read aloud I did. Those who were quick to close the windows, were not ready for my silent approaches and the hand on their shoulder. But after I proved to them that I am not a fool, and not a jerk, they respected me and most of them stopped goofing off.
All in all I had two kids stay after class to tell me that I was a cool sub, I had a few even say hi to me in the halls during other periods, and a few even hung out with me during the home room time. It was good. Ha, I even had some of the English kids in my Gov class, one of which brought me a late pass written by my old English 12 teacher, I sent the kid back to explain to the teacher that I would not accept the pass, and explain who I was. Power is a fun thing to abuse. Twice I got paid to go home early, and twice to have a two hour paid lunch, and that is after offering to work during those times. So I wandered between the workrooms on my lunch break, spending time with mainly the English and History teachers. My name and number got passed around the History work room which is how I landed the Gov class job, and why I named this post what I did. That was exclaimed by my 9th grade world history teacher when he saw me in the building. That was what he used to call me, hahaha and now does again.
But all this fun and work does have its price, I have been going to bed early and sleeping well, barely enough time during the day to get a full game of anything in... But I have started another KotOR II game... The abundance of music videos make me laugh... laugh hard... so hard it hurts... I love those games!.. And the characters are great!.. And who could ever forget HK-47?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Let Down
let down (written two weeks ago and never published):
you know that feeling that something your doing is special, because it's a moment you share with another person, like a party or a date... and then you find out that it was not special, it was not a date... Yeah... Recently it seems that many of the "special" and "happy" time I have spent with people recently really didn't mean anything to the other person. That hurts. It's like that story of the kid who spends a day fishing with his father, being one of the best days of his childhood. And then in the future reading what his father had written about that day, being "a day wasted." Or when you feel happy because someone takes time out of their day to recognize you, just to know they do it to everyone. Or when you think that an experience you shared with another person meant something, to find out it didn't. That sucks.
...I don't have to be drunk to want you....
Been doing some reading, here an there, and came across this. I wonder if it would really work to apply to real life and how I deal with people, or better yet, relationships. I guess I can try it and see, but it's fascinating either way.
PLAY TO WIN
you know that feeling that something your doing is special, because it's a moment you share with another person, like a party or a date... and then you find out that it was not special, it was not a date... Yeah... Recently it seems that many of the "special" and "happy" time I have spent with people recently really didn't mean anything to the other person. That hurts. It's like that story of the kid who spends a day fishing with his father, being one of the best days of his childhood. And then in the future reading what his father had written about that day, being "a day wasted." Or when you feel happy because someone takes time out of their day to recognize you, just to know they do it to everyone. Or when you think that an experience you shared with another person meant something, to find out it didn't. That sucks.
...I don't have to be drunk to want you....
Been doing some reading, here an there, and came across this. I wonder if it would really work to apply to real life and how I deal with people, or better yet, relationships. I guess I can try it and see, but it's fascinating either way.
PLAY TO WIN
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
About
time to get some things straight:
About me:
I am only the pretentious jerk-ass the first few times I meet a person. Not when on dates, or not-dates or kinda-dates or formal-dates. I save my jerk-y-ness for personal non-romantic encounters that do not involve dressing up, eating food served by waiters/waitresses. I do not try to scare off dates or potential dates, only potential friends. See first people are strangers, at which time I am a jerk, then if they get past that stage they become acquaintances. During this stage I am still reasonably quiet and harsh, and only speak when I have something good to say (probably why so many people think I'm smart). If they prove themselves of worth to my personal enrichment, mentally, physically, emotionally, or social networking wise, and they show an interest and time investment, then they may become friends at which point I treat each one differently according to how I perceive their personality types to be. Here I am no longer a jerk unless the person warrants such behavior. After the friend stage start the circles of inner trust at which point I share my true life and feelings with people, my thoughts and dreams and burdens and sorrows (generically in that order). Potential dates take a similar yet different path after the friend stage at which point they begin the observation process for an extended period of time. So as you can see, I really am not a jerk to those I date (yet still get stood up and go on more first dates than second dates). But as they say, nice guys finish last, which I really can't argue with and as you know, I am not a nice guy. I just hope that some day some girl will pity me enough to put up with me and be willing to share her life with me.
About me about you:
I want to be your hero. All of you. I wish I could save the day, be a friend but be the one there by your side when you ride off into the sunset, all the evil of your life defeated. I wish I could be there to encourage all of you when you are down. I wish I could protect you from harm, make you smile, and laugh with you. I wish all the problems would go away. I personally feel better when I help people, and there are no other people I'd rather see happy than my friends. But, I need to learn that there are some things you must do on your own, and some things I can't do for you. (KotOR 2 taught me that in helping you, I become stronger and you gain nothing, there are some things in which you must gain your own strength to overcome.) I don't do this because I want to be the hero you look up to, but rather because it hurts me to see you hurt. I do not ask anything in exchange, but I hope you will be there for me when I need you.
About you about me:
Will you be my hero? Will you go out of your way to contact me and make sure I'm doing well. Or will you forget me, only to remember me when I am beyond the help that you can give? I am weak, and I am defeated. Every day is a struggle with myself even before my fight with the world begins. I am strong because He is strong and I can love because He is love. My own strength has failed and my limit for how much I can forgive and how far my love stretches has run out. But beyond myself, I am still strong, I still love, and I still am.
About you about you:
You have to write this one, I don't know how you see you...
About me about me:
... if you only are kind to me because I have been kind to you, if you will only consider me because I have considered you, and if you only care for me because I have cared for you, then you do not love me as I love you. For I will be kind to you when you are not kind to me, I will consider you when you do not consider me, I will care for you when you do not care for me and I will choose to love you even if I have no good reason to. This is how I love you, and I do not want your kindness, your consideration, your care or your love if it is conditional and only based on what I can give back to you. I want your love unconditionally, nothing else will do. I don't want you to change yourself because you feel that you owe me, but rather that you owe me because you yourself have changed and there is nothing I have done to deserve it.
About me:
I am only the pretentious jerk-ass the first few times I meet a person. Not when on dates, or not-dates or kinda-dates or formal-dates. I save my jerk-y-ness for personal non-romantic encounters that do not involve dressing up, eating food served by waiters/waitresses. I do not try to scare off dates or potential dates, only potential friends. See first people are strangers, at which time I am a jerk, then if they get past that stage they become acquaintances. During this stage I am still reasonably quiet and harsh, and only speak when I have something good to say (probably why so many people think I'm smart). If they prove themselves of worth to my personal enrichment, mentally, physically, emotionally, or social networking wise, and they show an interest and time investment, then they may become friends at which point I treat each one differently according to how I perceive their personality types to be. Here I am no longer a jerk unless the person warrants such behavior. After the friend stage start the circles of inner trust at which point I share my true life and feelings with people, my thoughts and dreams and burdens and sorrows (generically in that order). Potential dates take a similar yet different path after the friend stage at which point they begin the observation process for an extended period of time. So as you can see, I really am not a jerk to those I date (yet still get stood up and go on more first dates than second dates). But as they say, nice guys finish last, which I really can't argue with and as you know, I am not a nice guy. I just hope that some day some girl will pity me enough to put up with me and be willing to share her life with me.
About me about you:
I want to be your hero. All of you. I wish I could save the day, be a friend but be the one there by your side when you ride off into the sunset, all the evil of your life defeated. I wish I could be there to encourage all of you when you are down. I wish I could protect you from harm, make you smile, and laugh with you. I wish all the problems would go away. I personally feel better when I help people, and there are no other people I'd rather see happy than my friends. But, I need to learn that there are some things you must do on your own, and some things I can't do for you. (KotOR 2 taught me that in helping you, I become stronger and you gain nothing, there are some things in which you must gain your own strength to overcome.) I don't do this because I want to be the hero you look up to, but rather because it hurts me to see you hurt. I do not ask anything in exchange, but I hope you will be there for me when I need you.
About you about me:
Will you be my hero? Will you go out of your way to contact me and make sure I'm doing well. Or will you forget me, only to remember me when I am beyond the help that you can give? I am weak, and I am defeated. Every day is a struggle with myself even before my fight with the world begins. I am strong because He is strong and I can love because He is love. My own strength has failed and my limit for how much I can forgive and how far my love stretches has run out. But beyond myself, I am still strong, I still love, and I still am.
About you about you:
You have to write this one, I don't know how you see you...
About me about me:
... if you only are kind to me because I have been kind to you, if you will only consider me because I have considered you, and if you only care for me because I have cared for you, then you do not love me as I love you. For I will be kind to you when you are not kind to me, I will consider you when you do not consider me, I will care for you when you do not care for me and I will choose to love you even if I have no good reason to. This is how I love you, and I do not want your kindness, your consideration, your care or your love if it is conditional and only based on what I can give back to you. I want your love unconditionally, nothing else will do. I don't want you to change yourself because you feel that you owe me, but rather that you owe me because you yourself have changed and there is nothing I have done to deserve it.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Creepy
I always feel like I come off as a creeper. You know, those weird guys who have already graduated but still stick around campus and hit on the college girls... Granted, I don't hit on the college girls, but I don't think the baldness helps. It's odd, sometimes I'll send a message or make a comment that could be easily misread (having extensively studied language, its easy to pinpoint the questionable and multi-faceted interpretations of the written word) but then it turns out alright. It's hard, neigh, impossible to get across the proper emotion in text or email. How does one just say a friendly "hi" when no one except me does that. Oh well, on to the blogging!
Today I found out that another person semi close to me passed away. This affected several people I know deeply. More grieving, its tough. The shoulder I normally have to lean on has been absent and I don't want to impose, but I need a larger group of emotional supporters, as last night I just about lost it. It's hard to come to the point of trusting someone enough to let them help you. Doing such a thing requires you to first level with them about where you are, and then live with them either doing what they can to help you, or not, both wise placing an emotional, and occasionally temporal burden on them. But such things should be mutual, and they are not.
In other happenings, I have been curious and confused about a person who may or may not read my blog, so writing about it may be counter productive, but then again I do try to only lie to you, dear reader, directly about my life. I have been getting to know a fine young lady quite well, and feel that I may be something of a focal point of her attention. We talk almost daily, which is odd, but not within the realm of unusual for friends to do. I suppose that since I often scare away girls by one means or another, her interest to keep close ties makes me suspicious. There are only a hand full (not even as the number does not fill the hand) of ladies who I regularly associate with and who choose to associate with me. These mostly include the girl-halves of guys I know, and this one girl who dumped me years ago (my hope is for those of you who do know me well, that you will see the sarcasm bleeding off the page and forming a rather large puddle on your keyboard about now... Here's where you laugh... Go!). I will have to be cautious with this one, as to not push her away before knowing the intentions. Again it is odd to me to be in such close contact with a person, especially one who I have not known very long in the grand scheme of things. If I probe though it could throw into question the friendship, or kill attraction, or both if either are present. It's hard to say. I think I'll just be myself (the nice me, not the neurotic OCD one who writes these) and see what the next moves she makes are as to try and determine her trajectory in my life. I bring it up because she enjoys talking to me (I only know of two girls who like talking to me all the time, and one is my mother... at least, I think she likes talking to me... that may be a bit presumptuous on my part but let's pretend for a minute its true.), she contacts me almost daily (again, only two still) and she seems to look up to me and have respect for me (and then there were none (well, okay, maybe one has respect for me still, but one of my special talents is loosing respect)). Bah, well I suppose writing about it to a mute audience will only benefit me as much as it lets me see what I am thinking (you'd think I'd be privy to that knowledge...)
And here's where I call that person out (if she in fact does read my blog, and hey, perhaps this will clear things up... or start a huge fight... well if you read this then you know I over think everything, so please cut me some slack in regards to this) as I wish you, merry reader, to sleep sweet tonight.
Today I found out that another person semi close to me passed away. This affected several people I know deeply. More grieving, its tough. The shoulder I normally have to lean on has been absent and I don't want to impose, but I need a larger group of emotional supporters, as last night I just about lost it. It's hard to come to the point of trusting someone enough to let them help you. Doing such a thing requires you to first level with them about where you are, and then live with them either doing what they can to help you, or not, both wise placing an emotional, and occasionally temporal burden on them. But such things should be mutual, and they are not.
In other happenings, I have been curious and confused about a person who may or may not read my blog, so writing about it may be counter productive, but then again I do try to only lie to you, dear reader, directly about my life. I have been getting to know a fine young lady quite well, and feel that I may be something of a focal point of her attention. We talk almost daily, which is odd, but not within the realm of unusual for friends to do. I suppose that since I often scare away girls by one means or another, her interest to keep close ties makes me suspicious. There are only a hand full (not even as the number does not fill the hand) of ladies who I regularly associate with and who choose to associate with me. These mostly include the girl-halves of guys I know, and this one girl who dumped me years ago (my hope is for those of you who do know me well, that you will see the sarcasm bleeding off the page and forming a rather large puddle on your keyboard about now... Here's where you laugh... Go!). I will have to be cautious with this one, as to not push her away before knowing the intentions. Again it is odd to me to be in such close contact with a person, especially one who I have not known very long in the grand scheme of things. If I probe though it could throw into question the friendship, or kill attraction, or both if either are present. It's hard to say. I think I'll just be myself (the nice me, not the neurotic OCD one who writes these) and see what the next moves she makes are as to try and determine her trajectory in my life. I bring it up because she enjoys talking to me (I only know of two girls who like talking to me all the time, and one is my mother... at least, I think she likes talking to me... that may be a bit presumptuous on my part but let's pretend for a minute its true.), she contacts me almost daily (again, only two still) and she seems to look up to me and have respect for me (and then there were none (well, okay, maybe one has respect for me still, but one of my special talents is loosing respect)). Bah, well I suppose writing about it to a mute audience will only benefit me as much as it lets me see what I am thinking (you'd think I'd be privy to that knowledge...)
And here's where I call that person out (if she in fact does read my blog, and hey, perhaps this will clear things up... or start a huge fight... well if you read this then you know I over think everything, so please cut me some slack in regards to this) as I wish you, merry reader, to sleep sweet tonight.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I smell a skunk
A skunk has moved underneath the front porch. I have known this for the past few weeks, but it becomes increasingly more prominent every night I go out walking. Several times now I have had to come in the side door to the house because a cat-sized creature has been hiding in the bushes near the front door. To reek of skunk is not a present desire of mine, so let this be a lesson to you kids, sometimes in life avoiding a problem is the best solution... a vary rare sometimes, but it happens.
My basic comfort level has changed significantly recently, which may have contributed to my not being on line or writing as much lately. My desk chair broke and now I've got a hard wooden one to sit on. It's height is all wrong, and it's stubborn, but its better than sitting on the old one. Somehow I managed to snap the main steel support arm that connects the entire thing together. The chair was designed with a central junction point which connects the arms, the back, the base and the seat... well, that's what I broke. Now sitting in it is like taking my life into my hands as all of those pieces move independently and without support. My biggest fear is leaning back to find no back rest and landing my head on my nice hard oak floor... well I'll keep my fingers crossed.
For those Star Trek fans out there, you're gonna want to check this out.
As you know dear readers, between the last post and this one Valentine's day has passed. Some also know this day as "singles awareness day." I was all messed up since I went to a singles valentine party the day before valentines day, so I naturally told everyone I was busy on valentines, but had my days reversed. The party itself went well, I met some cool people and had a nice time getting to know some old friends better. (This may sound arrogant, but it seems like everywhere I go more and more people look to me as a role model... Please do not do this. If you only knew my personal demons as I do, you would not. I am not a good person, let's just leave it at that.) Just as I was walking out the door my mother grabbed me and decided to dress me up for the occasion. I spent the next two hours mixing and matching cloths, shaving, and saucing myself up with a tie and some aftershave. By the time I was done it looked like a badger had attacked my neck as in my attempt to quickly shave I had cut myself what must have at least been fifty times all over the place. But in the end all worked out well enough and I was told by mom that I looked "party." I guess at least I didn't look "pretty."
On the dating front, as some of you know twice now in the past month I have been stood up, the addition of the second occurred just this week. Oh well, as I have said I plan to take a break from it all (which does not mean become asexual as some may wish to believe) and stop my active search for a bit.
I spent valentines day meeting up with an old friend and watching my little brother while my parents went out. Also I watched the new Liam Neeson film "Taken." It was quite good, decent plot, from what I could tell fight scenes based in real MMA as I recognized some jiu-jitsu, some karate, and even some taequon-do (might have been taijitsu, the taequon-do I learned was not exactly WTF or ITF standard...). The movie made me sad though that such things do exist. I try to not think about the evils of the world, especially towards women as these affect me on an emotional level deeper than most other things. Seeing my old friend was good, its always good to see her. I may have weirded her out a bit though, being valentine's day and knowing she is not dating I gave her a big hug when I first saw her, and a peck on the cheek before we parted. The way I see it every pretty girl deserves at least that much on valentine's day. I'd have gotten her a rose, but I know she would probably have objected more strongly to that than a hug and a kiss. It's odd with some people, the oldest and closest friends feel like family no matter how long or far apart we are, and I'm not sure I would ever tire of hanging out with them.
Falling back in time to friday, I awoke at roughly 5 am as the automated system called me for a teaching position. This would have been cool except for the fact that I had never before heard of the school it was asking me about. I declined and went back to bed... for fifteen minutes until it called again. This exact pattern repeated for 7 more calls going up until 8 am. Eventually I told the system to not call me anymore. As it turns out, there was an error with my information getting into the system and I am signed up to cover all 8 clusters of schools in the county. This does not sound bad until you realize that in high schools alone there are three to five per cluster... Yeah that equals lots of calls from lots of places I have never heard of... Tech support has been notified kindly, hopefully this will be fixed soon. In related news though, this next week I'll be teaching almost the whole week on the Canterbury tales. Fun fun!
Have a blessed day my friends.
pain
defeat
loneliness
My basic comfort level has changed significantly recently, which may have contributed to my not being on line or writing as much lately. My desk chair broke and now I've got a hard wooden one to sit on. It's height is all wrong, and it's stubborn, but its better than sitting on the old one. Somehow I managed to snap the main steel support arm that connects the entire thing together. The chair was designed with a central junction point which connects the arms, the back, the base and the seat... well, that's what I broke. Now sitting in it is like taking my life into my hands as all of those pieces move independently and without support. My biggest fear is leaning back to find no back rest and landing my head on my nice hard oak floor... well I'll keep my fingers crossed.
For those Star Trek fans out there, you're gonna want to check this out.
As you know dear readers, between the last post and this one Valentine's day has passed. Some also know this day as "singles awareness day." I was all messed up since I went to a singles valentine party the day before valentines day, so I naturally told everyone I was busy on valentines, but had my days reversed. The party itself went well, I met some cool people and had a nice time getting to know some old friends better. (This may sound arrogant, but it seems like everywhere I go more and more people look to me as a role model... Please do not do this. If you only knew my personal demons as I do, you would not. I am not a good person, let's just leave it at that.) Just as I was walking out the door my mother grabbed me and decided to dress me up for the occasion. I spent the next two hours mixing and matching cloths, shaving, and saucing myself up with a tie and some aftershave. By the time I was done it looked like a badger had attacked my neck as in my attempt to quickly shave I had cut myself what must have at least been fifty times all over the place. But in the end all worked out well enough and I was told by mom that I looked "party." I guess at least I didn't look "pretty."
On the dating front, as some of you know twice now in the past month I have been stood up, the addition of the second occurred just this week. Oh well, as I have said I plan to take a break from it all (which does not mean become asexual as some may wish to believe) and stop my active search for a bit.
I spent valentines day meeting up with an old friend and watching my little brother while my parents went out. Also I watched the new Liam Neeson film "Taken." It was quite good, decent plot, from what I could tell fight scenes based in real MMA as I recognized some jiu-jitsu, some karate, and even some taequon-do (might have been taijitsu, the taequon-do I learned was not exactly WTF or ITF standard...). The movie made me sad though that such things do exist. I try to not think about the evils of the world, especially towards women as these affect me on an emotional level deeper than most other things. Seeing my old friend was good, its always good to see her. I may have weirded her out a bit though, being valentine's day and knowing she is not dating I gave her a big hug when I first saw her, and a peck on the cheek before we parted. The way I see it every pretty girl deserves at least that much on valentine's day. I'd have gotten her a rose, but I know she would probably have objected more strongly to that than a hug and a kiss. It's odd with some people, the oldest and closest friends feel like family no matter how long or far apart we are, and I'm not sure I would ever tire of hanging out with them.
Falling back in time to friday, I awoke at roughly 5 am as the automated system called me for a teaching position. This would have been cool except for the fact that I had never before heard of the school it was asking me about. I declined and went back to bed... for fifteen minutes until it called again. This exact pattern repeated for 7 more calls going up until 8 am. Eventually I told the system to not call me anymore. As it turns out, there was an error with my information getting into the system and I am signed up to cover all 8 clusters of schools in the county. This does not sound bad until you realize that in high schools alone there are three to five per cluster... Yeah that equals lots of calls from lots of places I have never heard of... Tech support has been notified kindly, hopefully this will be fixed soon. In related news though, this next week I'll be teaching almost the whole week on the Canterbury tales. Fun fun!
Have a blessed day my friends.
pain
defeat
loneliness
Dave for Dummies
It comes to my attention that many of you may not fully understand who I am and how I work. Herein will be a short guide to understanding me (as if such a thing were possible). To start with I am an INTJ according to Myers Briggs. This means that I have some distinct personality features, as according to them, in your life you meet my type less than once out of every hundred people you meet. It means that I am the strategist, you can be sure that I have throughly over-analyzed everything I am doing, have done, and will do, and should any of those fail I have multiple contingencies to fall back on. I am bullheaded and believe myself to be right... roughly 95% of the time. I find everything interesting except that which is not worth my time. I am a closet perfectionist, but you may never guess it by how I live. I studied folklore and literature in school because people are what I do not understand. I care little for flirting, formal dating, or other social formalities which I do not understand and see as a waste of time. I get more amusement out of a well structured argument than an attempt at flirting. But since I like to study people, I love to mess with them, this means a particular attention to the difference between lies and truth. If you are my friend, consider yourself lucky, there are many I do not associate with by choice and if you are a part of my life then I feel you contribute to my betterment in some way. I love puzzles and thinking outside of the box, and better than both are figuring out people who are like puzzles with no defined rule set of solutions. I do believe authority and rules have a purpose, but many times I feel that I do not apply or that the established authority is not deserving of their position and thus does not matter. I slack in my own work, yet give everything my greatest effort, if you can't keep up I'll leave you behind. If you choose to slack and then fail to produce an "A" or "B" worthy result, your obviously doing it wrong and only have one more chance to prove your worth to me. People should make sense, they don't have to as chaos is refreshing from time to time as a distraction or deviation, but for the most part causality must be the rule of life. If I feel you need to hear it, I will tell you exactly how and what I think and feel about you even if it will crush your hopes and dreams... it's for your betterment, and I'd expect you to do the same to me.
And there you have it, it sounds cold, and it is, only the closest see this at all in me. I do a good job of hiding it beneath a surface of gentle observation and quiet repose. My mind is always working and my heart never stops, if only the two could make sense of each other...
Why life why?
I write this to help people better know me. "Why would someone want to? You're a jerk!" some may think, and I agree with them, but I am sure there are some poor lost souls who like me wish to understand the "why." Additionally I write this so that it is accessible to the public for reasons of my contingency planning. You see, Life as she does, has laughed at my feeble attempts to control her. Last time I wrote about writing off my pursuit of girls for a time. Well, of course it is when you stop looking that fate finds a way. I may have a blind date coming up with another medievalist, but although I accept them, I do not trust in blind dates. This may have to do with how I have been stood up on nearly half of the blind dates I have ever been on. Or it may have to do with the fact that every one where the other person showed up I found them to be quite boring and I think only once did a blind date have a second try. Don't get me wrong, I have only been on something like six, but it wears at me. I will embrace what comes and try not to be the cynical jerk that I show as my first face (I find that the first meeting is the time of the test, if I show my worst, most caustic judgmental reclusive side, and the person is up for still getting to know me, then I can be nice and start to show them the wonder of who I am. A harsh tactic that has probably cut me off from many nice women, but I would rather only waste one day on a person who will not choose to deal with me on my worst, than weeks or months).
So there you have it. That's a snapshot of me but by no means encapsulates who I am. Take to heart that I chose to get a degree in english. Now know this, I am dyslexic, cannot spell and never learned how, hate to read and cannot write any neater than a second grader. Math and science are easy for me. I do what I choose to do because I can and because I can both succeed and excel. I desire Tae-guk I seek completion, I can...
And there you have it, it sounds cold, and it is, only the closest see this at all in me. I do a good job of hiding it beneath a surface of gentle observation and quiet repose. My mind is always working and my heart never stops, if only the two could make sense of each other...
Why life why?
I write this to help people better know me. "Why would someone want to? You're a jerk!" some may think, and I agree with them, but I am sure there are some poor lost souls who like me wish to understand the "why." Additionally I write this so that it is accessible to the public for reasons of my contingency planning. You see, Life as she does, has laughed at my feeble attempts to control her. Last time I wrote about writing off my pursuit of girls for a time. Well, of course it is when you stop looking that fate finds a way. I may have a blind date coming up with another medievalist, but although I accept them, I do not trust in blind dates. This may have to do with how I have been stood up on nearly half of the blind dates I have ever been on. Or it may have to do with the fact that every one where the other person showed up I found them to be quite boring and I think only once did a blind date have a second try. Don't get me wrong, I have only been on something like six, but it wears at me. I will embrace what comes and try not to be the cynical jerk that I show as my first face (I find that the first meeting is the time of the test, if I show my worst, most caustic judgmental reclusive side, and the person is up for still getting to know me, then I can be nice and start to show them the wonder of who I am. A harsh tactic that has probably cut me off from many nice women, but I would rather only waste one day on a person who will not choose to deal with me on my worst, than weeks or months).
So there you have it. That's a snapshot of me but by no means encapsulates who I am. Take to heart that I chose to get a degree in english. Now know this, I am dyslexic, cannot spell and never learned how, hate to read and cannot write any neater than a second grader. Math and science are easy for me. I do what I choose to do because I can and because I can both succeed and excel. I desire Tae-guk I seek completion, I can...
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Horror
I thought about writing this in the past, and forgive me if I have written something similar. Personally I find horror movies fascinating. They draw on primal fears both subtle and expressed and all of them are formulaic. Formulaic almost to a fault in that, as I have probably touched on before, the type of villain automatically determines the end of the story. Now if that was not fascinating enough how so many movies can have the exact same structure and still sell (so maybe the actors and dialogue change, but the story stays the same. Just think of all the different vampire movies you have seen...). Possibly even more interesting than that are the so called "heroes" of these movies. If the enemies were not perfect examples of canned cultural norms, the heroes are perfect examples of old folk story material. If you go back in time and study stories, folktales, fairy tales, and the like from the middle ages you quickly learn that there are set modes of operation that are followed. Stith Thompson did some work in this area. Now the cool thing is that these modes do in fact not change at all over time, but rather get re-arranged into stories. So here is an analogy, letters are to words as motifs are to stories, just because the letters and motifs themselves do not ever change and are limited to a select number, does not mean that the end result of stringing them together produces similar end results. The heroes however follow a much stricter pattern. Any person initially responsible for the "evil" must die by the end and cannot be saved. Any person who gives in to the sins of lust, greed, or anger will die before the end. Only the pure of heart and innocent of mind may even get close to surviving the entire thing. Any person with a dark secret in their past connecting them to the monster will most likely die unless that secret ends up defeating the monster. This structure rarely changes. I know it sounds vague, but think about it, can you name a single horror movie where ALL of these are not true? That my friends is not a coincidence, but rather proof of folklore in action. Folklore is our common cultural identity as we see and express it. It is invisible to us, but exists everywhere limiting what we say, do and think. It however also grows and changes over time just as people do. But in many cases fundamental aspects such as how we as humans see evil and personify it as monsters and defeat it stays quite constant through the ages. Now you may say, "Rambley Dave, you are missing the point, you are looking too deeply, philosophically and psychologically at horror movies. They are just made to scare." This, just as most things I examine, is probably true. But for a bit I made you see them as I do. Cool huh.
The following is my favorite excerpt from Red vs. Blue. If you have never seen it I recommend it. However it does use some strong language.
Church: All right, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
Church: What?
Tucker: I'm just saying, it doesn't look much like a circle. It looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note.
Church: OK, fine. Triangle of Confusion! Rhombus of Terror! Parabola of Mystery! Who cares? Get the goddamn show on the road!
And who can forget about the good 'ol MST3000... Enjoy!
The following is my favorite excerpt from Red vs. Blue. If you have never seen it I recommend it. However it does use some strong language.
Church: All right, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
Church: What?
Tucker: I'm just saying, it doesn't look much like a circle. It looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note.
Church: OK, fine. Triangle of Confusion! Rhombus of Terror! Parabola of Mystery! Who cares? Get the goddamn show on the road!
And who can forget about the good 'ol MST3000... Enjoy!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Kibbles and Bits
Old timers:
Though I referenced it recently, it feels all too long since I last spoke on the topic of women. And as my loyal listeners know, I adapt and grow in a cyclical cycle often revisiting things to re-decide what I think and feel about them as I change and grow as a person. So the clock has made its way around again and once again I evaluate women. This time, I believe I shall once again (as I have done for stints in the past) renounce pursuing a relationship at this time. Logically I need to really get my life on track these next few years, and the best time to decide where I need to live and what my job will be is now while I have no relationship to bog down this choice. Additionally I have been receiving advice to this effect by those older and wiser than myself. I need to realize that a relationship won't fix me, it won't make me feel better, it will just be an emotional escape. I need to own up to fixing myself and learning to cheer myself up. It is my decision to have a bad or a good day, no other should bear that burden. Rather a relationship should be like a friend you share life with, someone who is there, not to make you feel better, and not for you to carry, but because you and them choose to be there and go through life's adventures and tragedies together. Until I understand that in my head and my heart I am unfit for dating or complaining about women (it probably wont stop me from doing the latter though).
My dear, it just doesn't sound good on you..
I have always believed that although sometimes good for making a strong exclamation or emphasizing a particular point, curse words are little more than a fool's crutch for the precise words they simply could not find within their own limited vocabulary. If one person truly did want to curse at another, why not go back in time and once again get original with personal curses? Tell someone that you wish that rather than children, they give birth to dogs or heck porcupines, instead of sending a string of the same handful of words some guys way why not tell him to die in a fire, or wish his job to transfer him to Siberia or Abu Dhabi... Bring the fun and originality back into cursing, do it for me.
I got served:
... So while discussing roofies and getting women drunk I came up with a cheaper way to have my way. Namely just be myself, as that is both cheap and gets the job done. To which a female friend who shall remain unnamed responded "... well that does put them to sleep, but they will wake up when you start giving it to them..." And thusly I have been served.
On my mind:
All week I've been trying to figure out where I heard it. I had part of a quote stuck in my head and couldn't for the life of me remember where it came from. I ended up narrowing it down to being a movie, but was stuck there for days. What I remembered was, "...You don't trust me, do you... I don't blame you..." I knew it was from somewhere and I thought it was said by one main character to another, the speaker being ominous yet good and the recipient being good but distrusting. Today I finally nailed it, Star Trek VI, The Undiscovered Country. The full quote is as follows: "You don't trust me, do you? I don't blame you. If there is to be a brave new world, our generation is going to have the hardest time living in it." These are good words. Though I feel they apply to me, I believe they also apply to my generation, we are on the verge of a new phase in history, but will we repeat the mistakes of the past? Have we grown up too jaded to try? What will become of the future? I guess it is in our hands, after all, "Some people think the future means the end of history. They're wrong. We haven't run out of history quite yet."
Links:
This is an awesome clip from a college class, check it out.
If you like Randy Savage, check out a Left for Dead mod that uses his voice.
Though I referenced it recently, it feels all too long since I last spoke on the topic of women. And as my loyal listeners know, I adapt and grow in a cyclical cycle often revisiting things to re-decide what I think and feel about them as I change and grow as a person. So the clock has made its way around again and once again I evaluate women. This time, I believe I shall once again (as I have done for stints in the past) renounce pursuing a relationship at this time. Logically I need to really get my life on track these next few years, and the best time to decide where I need to live and what my job will be is now while I have no relationship to bog down this choice. Additionally I have been receiving advice to this effect by those older and wiser than myself. I need to realize that a relationship won't fix me, it won't make me feel better, it will just be an emotional escape. I need to own up to fixing myself and learning to cheer myself up. It is my decision to have a bad or a good day, no other should bear that burden. Rather a relationship should be like a friend you share life with, someone who is there, not to make you feel better, and not for you to carry, but because you and them choose to be there and go through life's adventures and tragedies together. Until I understand that in my head and my heart I am unfit for dating or complaining about women (it probably wont stop me from doing the latter though).
My dear, it just doesn't sound good on you..
I have always believed that although sometimes good for making a strong exclamation or emphasizing a particular point, curse words are little more than a fool's crutch for the precise words they simply could not find within their own limited vocabulary. If one person truly did want to curse at another, why not go back in time and once again get original with personal curses? Tell someone that you wish that rather than children, they give birth to dogs or heck porcupines, instead of sending a string of the same handful of words some guys way why not tell him to die in a fire, or wish his job to transfer him to Siberia or Abu Dhabi... Bring the fun and originality back into cursing, do it for me.
I got served:
... So while discussing roofies and getting women drunk I came up with a cheaper way to have my way. Namely just be myself, as that is both cheap and gets the job done. To which a female friend who shall remain unnamed responded "... well that does put them to sleep, but they will wake up when you start giving it to them..." And thusly I have been served.
On my mind:
All week I've been trying to figure out where I heard it. I had part of a quote stuck in my head and couldn't for the life of me remember where it came from. I ended up narrowing it down to being a movie, but was stuck there for days. What I remembered was, "...You don't trust me, do you... I don't blame you..." I knew it was from somewhere and I thought it was said by one main character to another, the speaker being ominous yet good and the recipient being good but distrusting. Today I finally nailed it, Star Trek VI, The Undiscovered Country. The full quote is as follows: "You don't trust me, do you? I don't blame you. If there is to be a brave new world, our generation is going to have the hardest time living in it." These are good words. Though I feel they apply to me, I believe they also apply to my generation, we are on the verge of a new phase in history, but will we repeat the mistakes of the past? Have we grown up too jaded to try? What will become of the future? I guess it is in our hands, after all, "Some people think the future means the end of history. They're wrong. We haven't run out of history quite yet."
Links:
This is an awesome clip from a college class, check it out.
If you like Randy Savage, check out a Left for Dead mod that uses his voice.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
A change in pace
Over the past few months I have been phasing out my old online names in favor of newer, more "professional" ones. This effort extends beyond my email into my public chat life and forum diving as well. My old persona was that of "Sigma Draconis" and my avatar was none other than that of the Draconis Combine. With the change however I have been in the process of becoming a persona who portrays my current personage and personality better. I have thusly adopted the new avatar of Red Mage as his personality and mine are... suspiciously similar...
So new best idea ever... I videotape myself in front of a green screen playing air keyboard to "foreplay longtime" by Boston... then I overlay myself playing air bass, air drums, air guitar and finally lip syncing. I could be a whole band of me, all dressed slightly differently in my own music video, and if I time and overlay it right (not too hard since its to music) I can even shoot myself looks... Yeah, that would be cool...
Now on self image: I have never considered myself "that weird guy" but the more exposure I get to people, I fear that's how I come off. The majority of women I know by rules of acquaintance (being those who do know of me, but do not know me well, the next stage is the casual friend stage before entering the various degrees of true social circle, outer, mid, inner, etc.) are completely and totally against dating me. Not even friendly casual dates. It would seem that hanging out is fine as long as it is in no way whatsoever a date. Now I know I'm not your normal guy, I majored in English rather than math, science or engineering for goodness sake. I write a blog, am working on a book, substitute teach, and want to work on video games as my true career. But does that make me truly an outsider? I am not terribly socially awkward, I can hold a civilized conversation and not drop gamer jokes, or dungeons and dragons innuendo. Yet somehow I guess by not expressing care about how others view me, and just being me, I have done something wrong. I'm like that guy that everyone says they know, everyone knows of, and people generically like, but others really don't reach out to me, rather I have to reach out to them. The same goes for many of my personal relationships though, I guess the best way to see if others care about you is if they will seek you out and make the time to spend with you. I spent most of high school doing favors in return for favors that I would never cash in. Thus by graduation, half my class knew me and owed me, but would these people ever repay the favor? My guess is no, just as many in college owe me, or thank me for my help, if asked to help me I doubt they would go out of their way. This view is quite cynical and dark, but it makes me all the more thankful for my true friends, and for my readers who go out of their way to give me time in their days. Thanks guys, you mean a lot to me, even though most of you are secret stalkers, I still appreciated your time.
So new best idea ever... I videotape myself in front of a green screen playing air keyboard to "foreplay longtime" by Boston... then I overlay myself playing air bass, air drums, air guitar and finally lip syncing. I could be a whole band of me, all dressed slightly differently in my own music video, and if I time and overlay it right (not too hard since its to music) I can even shoot myself looks... Yeah, that would be cool...
Now on self image: I have never considered myself "that weird guy" but the more exposure I get to people, I fear that's how I come off. The majority of women I know by rules of acquaintance (being those who do know of me, but do not know me well, the next stage is the casual friend stage before entering the various degrees of true social circle, outer, mid, inner, etc.) are completely and totally against dating me. Not even friendly casual dates. It would seem that hanging out is fine as long as it is in no way whatsoever a date. Now I know I'm not your normal guy, I majored in English rather than math, science or engineering for goodness sake. I write a blog, am working on a book, substitute teach, and want to work on video games as my true career. But does that make me truly an outsider? I am not terribly socially awkward, I can hold a civilized conversation and not drop gamer jokes, or dungeons and dragons innuendo. Yet somehow I guess by not expressing care about how others view me, and just being me, I have done something wrong. I'm like that guy that everyone says they know, everyone knows of, and people generically like, but others really don't reach out to me, rather I have to reach out to them. The same goes for many of my personal relationships though, I guess the best way to see if others care about you is if they will seek you out and make the time to spend with you. I spent most of high school doing favors in return for favors that I would never cash in. Thus by graduation, half my class knew me and owed me, but would these people ever repay the favor? My guess is no, just as many in college owe me, or thank me for my help, if asked to help me I doubt they would go out of their way. This view is quite cynical and dark, but it makes me all the more thankful for my true friends, and for my readers who go out of their way to give me time in their days. Thanks guys, you mean a lot to me, even though most of you are secret stalkers, I still appreciated your time.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Untitled
Ah, the days are so long, but do not pass slow enough. Today I started the day much like one of last week, that is, driving up to a funeral. Last week I was honored to attend the funeral of a good friend's grandmother, and this week I was there for a family friend. I had worked along side the guy in the past, but knew little about him. It was held on the Annapolis Naval Academy grounds, as he was a rear admiral. It was hard. I saw his wife, and heard his sense of humor come out as he made everyone who spoke agree to not talk about him at his own funeral just weeks before.
Later I heard from a friend who is away at a college masters interview. I was glad to hear that it went well, and a time ago it sounded like Minnesota was where she wanted to go, but she has since decided to stay more local. No matter what happens, I hope she goes where she will be happy.
I have been continually finding out about my secret stalker audience. Every several days someone else admits begrudgingly that they frequent this blog from time to time. Well, it's creepy, but thank you for your secret support loyal readers. I estimate that roughly fifteen to twenty read this, but since only four of you are man enough to comment or register I really have no idea. But its cool, thanks for giving me a piece of your day.
The day ends now for me at a community service event. Every year my church hosts a local event around valentines day. The event has the men of the church (of which I am one) prepare and serve the women of the community a fully catered four course meal, plus live music. It's quite classy. So this is how I end the day. Even though I work here in a paid position, I still enjoy doing unpaid work, especially when its for a good cause and I get a free meal.
Well, I have a huge number of links to sort through, but since this post is serious, I will not change that mood. To all of you I wish you well, go out and have fun. In the mean time I'll keep trying to learn to be an optimist (I consider myself a realist, but that may just be the term for an in-the-closet pessimist).
Cheers Y'all!
Addendum...
The speaker this night spoke about how God knows all of our needs, knows who we are, loves us exactly how we are, and will be there. A good message, but a hard one to hear. She spoke about how she lost her husband three years ago. Just as their marriage was at its height, and just as their fourth child was born. I have been so closely touched by death and stories of loss that I sincerely hope I am not being prepared for loss. It may be petty to fear for my own self centered life but I do. I don't know if I'm in the middle of the desert, just entering it, or finally leaving it, but I must keep walking because there is no other way to get through it.
I am broken.
Later I heard from a friend who is away at a college masters interview. I was glad to hear that it went well, and a time ago it sounded like Minnesota was where she wanted to go, but she has since decided to stay more local. No matter what happens, I hope she goes where she will be happy.
I have been continually finding out about my secret stalker audience. Every several days someone else admits begrudgingly that they frequent this blog from time to time. Well, it's creepy, but thank you for your secret support loyal readers. I estimate that roughly fifteen to twenty read this, but since only four of you are man enough to comment or register I really have no idea. But its cool, thanks for giving me a piece of your day.
The day ends now for me at a community service event. Every year my church hosts a local event around valentines day. The event has the men of the church (of which I am one) prepare and serve the women of the community a fully catered four course meal, plus live music. It's quite classy. So this is how I end the day. Even though I work here in a paid position, I still enjoy doing unpaid work, especially when its for a good cause and I get a free meal.
Well, I have a huge number of links to sort through, but since this post is serious, I will not change that mood. To all of you I wish you well, go out and have fun. In the mean time I'll keep trying to learn to be an optimist (I consider myself a realist, but that may just be the term for an in-the-closet pessimist).
Cheers Y'all!
Addendum...
The speaker this night spoke about how God knows all of our needs, knows who we are, loves us exactly how we are, and will be there. A good message, but a hard one to hear. She spoke about how she lost her husband three years ago. Just as their marriage was at its height, and just as their fourth child was born. I have been so closely touched by death and stories of loss that I sincerely hope I am not being prepared for loss. It may be petty to fear for my own self centered life but I do. I don't know if I'm in the middle of the desert, just entering it, or finally leaving it, but I must keep walking because there is no other way to get through it.
I am broken.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The worst 2.69
I have ever spent. I got a shake at an un-named fast food restaurant. Now let it be known beforehand this post is graphic, so those of weak or low constitution scores should stop here. So I drank it, it was good, but two hours later I felt weird as I was pulling into my driveway. I walked in the door and realized I was drooling, like really salivating something fierce. So I went into the bathroom and braced myself. It had been about six years since I had last lost my lunch (I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner, stuffed myself full, then she gave me a huge hug... yeah, the Heimlich after eating does induce vomiting... fyi) so I was on a streak. I had always hated vomit, the smell, the inconsistent consistency, really the whole idea. Especially how the smell of vomit induces vomiting. In that time I had helped countless friends as they paid homage to the mighty pearl god of porcelain, I had even cleaned up after some children and siblings who were sick from time to time. So I braced myself and assumed the position... you know exactly what I mean so stop snickering. I began to spit out mouth fulls of water, not from my stomach but from my glands, I have never before seen so much saliva... well maybe except from a dog over a course of hours. Then it happened, three great heaves, each producing a more-solid-than-not gelatinous glob, pink in coloration. This was quite disturbing as I had formerly drank a vanilla milkshake... not strawberry. Four times this occurred in rapid succession, nearly filling the gaping maw of the beast before me. I washed myself in the sink and texted my medical contact about the situation. She called and we began discussing my various options when it hit again. One last time and I swear that had to be everything my little stomach could hold. Well, its over now. Frankly I try to live without fear of such things... and generally avoid doctors. My philosophy is simple, the only one I need to fear is God, and he will kill me either when he's tired of me or when he is good and ready to do so, and I cant fight that so why try. But so far this day, I still live. Better luck next time Man.
In an unrelated note the MB is back up.
In an unrelated note the MB is back up.
Decisions Decisions
I had a long and thoughtful post just about done on the inaccuracies of translation across language barriers with examples from latin to modern english... But then I realized that I may be the only one who cares about such things, and that something more important has come up to ramble about. Namely, my long lost favorite topic, women.
Why is it that guys feel that girls need help in making the "right" decisions? I am as guilty as the next guy in this (okay, so maybe more guilty as I have tried to change this one chick's mind for years...) But seriously. Although I speak not from a position of knowledge, I'm sure that women can make up their own darn mind about what is good for them. This includes not picking me over other guys. I bring it up because my argument to a friend has spilled all over my blog. Why as men do we occasionally feel the need to help educate women as to what is best for them... This education normally includes the "pick me I'm better than him" line on some conscious or unconscious level whether the woman is in a relationship or not. Why as men do we feel entitled to help make these decisions for them, when frankly they are perfectly capable of making their own decisions? Have the movies brainwashed us into thinking a last ditch, guns blazing (my favorite way to crash and burn) attempt will change the woman's mind and let you come in and sweep her off her feet. Or is it some kind of hunter-gatherer layover that says that we are responsible for the well being of the females around us and thus we must make them do what we think is best for them. Such thinking does not make everyone happy, but rather puts strain on friendships and ends up hurting the guy in the end.
I do not want to have to buy a relationship, I wish to earn it on merit, but I am willing to give whatever it takes to do so... These words have been uttered by me (or some such rendition) several times, and have never worked, and I'm sure many have said them before. Its a setup for failure. Being the good or bad guy, when your not THE GUY does nothing for you. The good guy accepts failure, and the bad guy earns failure, there is no success to be had. It is up to the girl to decide to save the day for you and let you be a hero, there really is no other way for it to work. Besides what would it be worth if she simply did what you said? Similarly why push a girl to annoyance and frustration, as these things will not help your case. I suppose we do this because we fear the alternative. The possibility of never getting a shot, and waiting forever for one. We choose to give up friendship in whole for the chance to be something more... But if she does not, why push her?
This message is hauntingly self applicable, but it truly is not about me as I write it this moment. I still stand by the teacher's credo "do as I say, not as I do" and admit I am quite guilty of this and a very slow learner of its principles (...years...).
So sorry, I had a discussion about it not more than an hour ago and figured I should at least write one pro feminine argument in this blog, as most times I just lament and bash them. But as the ones I've dealt with will tell you, I'm just unlucky like that to have chosen them... I still hope they will come around, but I too need to learn, it's not up to me to make them do so (okay so that last part was about me).
Lesson of the day: women are perfectly capable of making their own decisions, so stop trying to force them to make the ones you want them to (for example: dating Rambley Dave).
Why is it that guys feel that girls need help in making the "right" decisions? I am as guilty as the next guy in this (okay, so maybe more guilty as I have tried to change this one chick's mind for years...) But seriously. Although I speak not from a position of knowledge, I'm sure that women can make up their own darn mind about what is good for them. This includes not picking me over other guys. I bring it up because my argument to a friend has spilled all over my blog. Why as men do we occasionally feel the need to help educate women as to what is best for them... This education normally includes the "pick me I'm better than him" line on some conscious or unconscious level whether the woman is in a relationship or not. Why as men do we feel entitled to help make these decisions for them, when frankly they are perfectly capable of making their own decisions? Have the movies brainwashed us into thinking a last ditch, guns blazing (my favorite way to crash and burn) attempt will change the woman's mind and let you come in and sweep her off her feet. Or is it some kind of hunter-gatherer layover that says that we are responsible for the well being of the females around us and thus we must make them do what we think is best for them. Such thinking does not make everyone happy, but rather puts strain on friendships and ends up hurting the guy in the end.
I do not want to have to buy a relationship, I wish to earn it on merit, but I am willing to give whatever it takes to do so... These words have been uttered by me (or some such rendition) several times, and have never worked, and I'm sure many have said them before. Its a setup for failure. Being the good or bad guy, when your not THE GUY does nothing for you. The good guy accepts failure, and the bad guy earns failure, there is no success to be had. It is up to the girl to decide to save the day for you and let you be a hero, there really is no other way for it to work. Besides what would it be worth if she simply did what you said? Similarly why push a girl to annoyance and frustration, as these things will not help your case. I suppose we do this because we fear the alternative. The possibility of never getting a shot, and waiting forever for one. We choose to give up friendship in whole for the chance to be something more... But if she does not, why push her?
This message is hauntingly self applicable, but it truly is not about me as I write it this moment. I still stand by the teacher's credo "do as I say, not as I do" and admit I am quite guilty of this and a very slow learner of its principles (...years...).
So sorry, I had a discussion about it not more than an hour ago and figured I should at least write one pro feminine argument in this blog, as most times I just lament and bash them. But as the ones I've dealt with will tell you, I'm just unlucky like that to have chosen them... I still hope they will come around, but I too need to learn, it's not up to me to make them do so (okay so that last part was about me).
Lesson of the day: women are perfectly capable of making their own decisions, so stop trying to force them to make the ones you want them to (for example: dating Rambley Dave).
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Son of a...
Bah! Uga! Guah! Nangun! Argh... Hahahaha. Don't you just love the way things work out. Hahahaha. This joke needs some background before you too will find it funny. So here we go.
So, I have a very (and I mean extremely) selective process by which I determine dating eligibility in others. This screening process often takes months of intensive study. I analyze a person's personality type, choices in life, skills, likes, dislikes, reaction time, humor quotient, intelligence, problem solving methods, hobbies, and motivations before putting them on my "datable" list. My standards would seem to be reasonably high as it is rare for me to find a person who actually ranks in with positive scores in all categories, which is necessary to get on the list. In the past few months there have been a total of three people who have recently been added to this list, but as fate would have it, it is not to be.
So the first one is basically my clone, but... she is too busy and I have not even met her in person yet... so that one's out until further notice. The second one is quirky, kind and gentle, but also as I found out recently, secretly taken. The third is a supplement to myself, similar yet different, like a different phase of the same elementary unit, but, just like the others, is now mysteriously taken... And then there were none... Bah, what happened. As recent as last week, heck even a few days ago these three were on the table, and talking about them in a public forum like this would seem dangerous, but I am still convinced that no one actually reads this, and even if they did they wouldn't because they are not interested in bad internet literature.
I guess I shall continue my search for a lifemate. Why does it have to be so hard (and depressing). I guess it could have something to do with how it takes me months to determine eligibility whereas the rampallians (id est: the low intelligence football playing portion of the male population) are drunk or just plain foolish enough to ask a girl out based on her looks within the first day and succeed at it (if you happen to be one of those athletic brickheads I speak of please go here and let the Internet do my job for me. Otherwise WHY ARE YOU READING SOMETHING SO FAR BEYOND YOUR MAXIMUM LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING)... Sorry, I got carried away. It's just that normally I find that good women get taken by stupid jerk-faces and it depresses me as there are none left.
Well so now you understand the joke, but hey don't worry about paying for it, as it was on me.
Well, happy day-after-groundhogs day. Now go out and do something productive with your day, like sneering at the frat house jerk faces for me... yes... from across the room as they are oblivious to most things not food based, female, or directly within five feet of themselves.
So, I have a very (and I mean extremely) selective process by which I determine dating eligibility in others. This screening process often takes months of intensive study. I analyze a person's personality type, choices in life, skills, likes, dislikes, reaction time, humor quotient, intelligence, problem solving methods, hobbies, and motivations before putting them on my "datable" list. My standards would seem to be reasonably high as it is rare for me to find a person who actually ranks in with positive scores in all categories, which is necessary to get on the list. In the past few months there have been a total of three people who have recently been added to this list, but as fate would have it, it is not to be.
So the first one is basically my clone, but... she is too busy and I have not even met her in person yet... so that one's out until further notice. The second one is quirky, kind and gentle, but also as I found out recently, secretly taken. The third is a supplement to myself, similar yet different, like a different phase of the same elementary unit, but, just like the others, is now mysteriously taken... And then there were none... Bah, what happened. As recent as last week, heck even a few days ago these three were on the table, and talking about them in a public forum like this would seem dangerous, but I am still convinced that no one actually reads this, and even if they did they wouldn't because they are not interested in bad internet literature.
I guess I shall continue my search for a lifemate. Why does it have to be so hard (and depressing). I guess it could have something to do with how it takes me months to determine eligibility whereas the rampallians (id est: the low intelligence football playing portion of the male population) are drunk or just plain foolish enough to ask a girl out based on her looks within the first day and succeed at it (if you happen to be one of those athletic brickheads I speak of please go here and let the Internet do my job for me. Otherwise WHY ARE YOU READING SOMETHING SO FAR BEYOND YOUR MAXIMUM LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING)... Sorry, I got carried away. It's just that normally I find that good women get taken by stupid jerk-faces and it depresses me as there are none left.
Well so now you understand the joke, but hey don't worry about paying for it, as it was on me.
Well, happy day-after-groundhogs day. Now go out and do something productive with your day, like sneering at the frat house jerk faces for me... yes... from across the room as they are oblivious to most things not food based, female, or directly within five feet of themselves.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Stalling
... So I went out on a date today, with a fine young lady. I call it a date because I paid, and she was expensive. Thing is, I can't remember her name. See I named my car years ago, but I made it a secret name, you know like the cities in Itilia in ancient times... yeah so the other day I was stopped at an intersection waiting for the traffic to stop so I could pull out. It slowed just enough for me to make a quick break for it, but the moment I stepped on the gas I lunged forward and the engine died, rolling me slowly into the middle of the intersection... This needless to say, is bad. So today my car and I went on a date to get her fixed up. Now she runs faster, is generally hotter, makes loud purring noises and for the moment has stopped whining... If only all women were like that after some new oil, a new air filter, and a high octane airplane fuel based injector cleaner flush..
Well, I've been in an emotional funk the past month. I try not to express it here, and I have been working on becoming an optimist (which may in fact be the cause of my depression). But frankly in the past two weeks specifically I have had four friends come to me with personal problems and lean on me for support. I am happy to give it, but its draining and depressing to help them carry their burdens, and due to friend confidentiality, cant whine and complain to anyone to carry my own. It's pathetic really, but I want a hug. However through me trying to spend my time away from helping others by doing something totally different I have rekindled five old friendships with people who I had not seen for some years.
In the mean time as I have told you I've been applying to various dream jobs... no news back yet, but frankly being unemployed is not all that bad... ok so maybe it is.
A family friend died in the last week and I'll be going to the funeral friday, before spending my evening running sound for a charity event. I am quite fond of this event as I've helped out in the past years, and maybe even since its beginning. The shtick is for a bunch of men to cook, clean, and serve any women in the area who want to come by. We serve a three course meal which has live music provided (thats where I help out) and is generally pretty classy. It'll be an interesting day going from a funeral to a dinner, but I guess I'll be writing about it either way. So I'll tell you how it goes.
In not-so-local news cool things are happening. If you don't know, enlighten yourself.
And here is a tribute to my ongoing study in the field of things nobody cares about anymore (but I think are cool).
Well, I've been in an emotional funk the past month. I try not to express it here, and I have been working on becoming an optimist (which may in fact be the cause of my depression). But frankly in the past two weeks specifically I have had four friends come to me with personal problems and lean on me for support. I am happy to give it, but its draining and depressing to help them carry their burdens, and due to friend confidentiality, cant whine and complain to anyone to carry my own. It's pathetic really, but I want a hug. However through me trying to spend my time away from helping others by doing something totally different I have rekindled five old friendships with people who I had not seen for some years.
In the mean time as I have told you I've been applying to various dream jobs... no news back yet, but frankly being unemployed is not all that bad... ok so maybe it is.
A family friend died in the last week and I'll be going to the funeral friday, before spending my evening running sound for a charity event. I am quite fond of this event as I've helped out in the past years, and maybe even since its beginning. The shtick is for a bunch of men to cook, clean, and serve any women in the area who want to come by. We serve a three course meal which has live music provided (thats where I help out) and is generally pretty classy. It'll be an interesting day going from a funeral to a dinner, but I guess I'll be writing about it either way. So I'll tell you how it goes.
In not-so-local news cool things are happening. If you don't know, enlighten yourself.
And here is a tribute to my ongoing study in the field of things nobody cares about anymore (but I think are cool).
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