What..? No.

(Spoiler Warning... yet again. Relevant topic: House MD)

So I just finished watching the most recent episode of House (yeah so I admit its a good show) and I'm mad. How is it they killed off Kumar... er I mean Kutner. Totally not cool. I liked his character. I mean seriously, the show now lacks a person who can make geeky nerdy pop culture references. Bah.

(End Spoiler, you are now free to move about the cabin)

I've been productive lately, cleaning things up, packing a bit (getting ready to move out kinda... mom's been giving me stuff for this purpose as well, not that I have a job or a place to go) applying for jobs. Productive. Now if only I had a direction to start running in... Its funny, see. I have no idea where I want to end up. I think I've finally accepted that I can't use my degree in any job I ever get. I was discussing this fear with mom when she brought to mind a quote from the Bill Murry movie Groundhog day (great movie),
"Rita: It's about a million miles from where I started in college.
Phil: You weren't in broadcasting or journalism?
Rita: Believe it or not, I studied 19th-century French poetry.
Phil: What a waste of time! I mean, for someone else that would be an incredible waste of time. So bold of you to choose that."
But seriously, where can I apply years of analysis and study in both qualitative and quantitative historical, canonical, and even social study focused on knights, dragons, and fairy tales... Applicable to every day life and everything... Id Est: Nothing. It was like studying how people think and express themselves, and how they explain the world around themselves and that which they do not have the capacity to explain in the words and modes they do have. But now what is that worth, it was fun, fascinating, and hard, but seems to be a negative point rather than a positive one. Specialization in industry is a good thing, specializing in a thing which no one knows or cares about, not so good...

Related and unrelated to all parts of this post I want to argue for my perception being reality. I think it is normal for people to feel depressed from time to time, and normal for them to calculate their own self worth. I have pondered suicide several times seriously, and honestly that is why I leave my keys on the kitchen table when ever I get home (my trigger lock key is on my keyring). I, like I think most people do, go through some dark hours, and must prevent myself from doing something that I would not normally do. Granted I don't lock up my knives and swords, but I don't seriously believe I'd perform seppuku, as the quick painless solution sounds more pleasant. It may sound strange for me to bring this topic up at all, most people either dope themselves up on anti depressants to get through their own miserable days or grow up thinking that only the mentally ill even consider such things. Well, I'm not saying that I'm totally mentally stable, or even normal at all, but if we as a society accept that life can in fact suck and people can in fact hurt themselves, then maybe we would be nicer to each other since we can in fact help or hurt the mental health of others. I know that I don't generally help in this regard (I'm quite the mental narcissist if you have not yet realized this) as I despise fools, make it a point to have no official best friend, and intentionally try to be difficult at times. That and one of my mantras is now "If you think I am lying to you, I'm probably telling you the truth, because if I were lying to you, you probably wouldn't know it." So take this with a grain of salt, but know I ache every day, and I'm sure that most people do too, so be kind to them, you can't ever really know fully what they are going through. (person belief: the most frustrating thing about people is that they will never be rational, rather they will always do what seems rational in their own mind based on their current circumstances which will probably not make any rational sense to any one else who is not in their shoes)

Tomorrow I plan to jump off a bridge to see if I can fly. Wish me luck! See, if fate has anything to say about it, what will be will be, which is good right. So even if I fall to my death, it was meant to be, I'll just have to get up, dust myself off, and go find another bridge to try to fly off of. Persistence, the only true way to prove to yourself that you are indeed a failure. And as far as it goes, I seem to fail hardest when it comes to, well you know.


Now to get serious, on to the first order of business... where's my hat?