.32

According to the "Last Call" program, last night my BAC reached a total of .34%. Additionally it says that I am currently at .03... Yeah, I started drinking last night around 9pm... it's now 4:30pm... the next day...

Found this gem while surfing the inter-web-net. I highly recommend checking out the wiki on this, it's a fun read (Xenu!).

So I've been perfecting the idea for an out-of-the-box job. The more I think about it the more I'm quasi certain it should involve video games, and if possible I'd like to involve my friends too. Related to this I've been spending time watching Top Gear, and really like it. I'm not much of a car guy, I know, but the format is quite good. And such a format may be worth emulating...

"Sticks and Stones"

Welcome to the most dangerous class you have ever entered. Here you will learn how to use language, how to think, how to live and how to love. Here you will learn to use the keys to open the doors before you. You will learn how to wield the weapons that can hurt, maim, and kill, and how to start wars. But also you will learn how to heal, how to show affection, how to create trust and how to demonstrate love. Here you will learn about true power. Here you will learn about you, you will learn about me and you will learn about the world around you through others.






"Can break my Bones"







"But words can never hurt me"

Perfect Clarity

I was sitting there, smoking a cigar in the rain when I saw it. It was like all of the shattered and misshapen pieces of my life fit together perfectly as in some sort of grand puzzle or master plan. The events linked beginning before I was born, and continued on past this moment. Everything I have done, everything I do, and everything I will do plays a role. Everything made sense, everything fit, everything was for a purpose... it is beautiful... I am ready.

Happy?

I have spent the past few days dog-sitting (some of which without internet) and have otherwise been busy. I know this does not fully explain my lack of posting, but it's a start. This past week was happy for me. I say this because I am rarely happy for multiple days. When I say happy I mean smiling all day, in a good mood all day, nothing in my way happy. This far surpasses the normal happy I feel when I see something cool or a joke makes me laugh. This happy lasted all week... until my mind got a hold of my thoughts again. I have been happy because I got a response to a question I had asked. The response itself was not positive, but nor was it negative. In it's confusing entirety I got a response that was lightly negative, but ended with a statement of stagnation with a hint of hope for the future (Thus my post on hope). This non-no had me excited and happy all week (as I have been where this person is and a non-no is really the best I could have hoped for). This was great and even re-enforced by proof that when I saw the person in topic they continued to be a good friend (I somehow always fear that when I ask people out it will offend them, as usually it ends up with them alienating and avoiding me... stupid people relationships are not awkward and invitations to get to know a person better are not scary things... I'm really quite harmless). So this was great, so great in fact that I was a smiling fool all day. But then my mind begins its processes of analysis and I begin to question. Granted I trust this person and their words, but I must examine every angle and possibility, this way I may properly confuse and depress myself (other methods simply are not thorough enough). So now I silently question, I have had non-no's before and requests of relationship degree retention as in this one, and if memory serves, and it usually does, every time was a rejection in disguise, a kind let-down, a hug and a friendly whisper before the poison of the dagger enters the veins... (I'm an English graduate, what do you expect from my writing). So now I will try to turn off my brain, but I will trust in the character of the person. Hopefully they have been and will be dealing honestly with me. And that is all I need to keep hope. And that's the word.

{I got so excited over a non-no... But is that just because of how I chose to see it, it was also a non-yes... or rather a not sure/no/not now/maybe later kind of thing. But is my seeing it as a non-no like seeing the glass half full... am I, -GASP- actually showing signs of becoming less of a "realist"...}

Hope

I had written a 9 points of failure blog about all the mistakes I made when asking out the girl I've been talking about, but I think it's time for a change of pace. I must continue to focus on myself, building the man that some woman will one day love. I can't say that I don't have hopes for the future in this area, but right now she needs time to figure out her own life, and not for me to interfere with that. So this evening I sing a song of hope, hope for the future, for all of our futures. The sky is purple, wispy clouds dance speckled across the heavens in shades of orange, pink, purple and gray, and the temperature is perfect. So now to hope I raise my glass, to hope because, "...who knows what the future might bring..."

Over-Analyzation

So, I've been spending my time doing exactly what I should not, but then again, that's who I am. My conclusion is: I did everything wrong. From this conclusion I have some notes and pointers, and plan to demonstrate using projector slides and a power point presentation... but I'll keep it simple with words.

Failure 1: On the job
- I believe the rule is, never interfere with a person's professional life in a manner that is a component of their personal life. I.E. I should have never approached her on the topic at her place of work, and especially not in front of the hostesses.

Failure 2: Timing
- She just ended a long term relationship, she needs time, not guys asking her out. Granted if I waited, someone would come along and beat me to the punch. So timing is a possible point of failure, but not a major one.

Failure 3: Manlaw
- Gotta put this one out there, if a guy is making a serious effort to ask out a girl, another guy should not make comments that would belittle the first guy's attempt. Such things cause problems as they present a kobayashi maru of sorts in that there becomes a no win situation. Being demeaned means that guy 1, to regain his social stance must put guy 2 back in his place and redeem himself, however by doing so he lowers guy2 on the social power scale, becoming aggressive by retaliation.

Failure 4: Me
- I am naturally bad at the social male-female dynamic when it comes to propositioning a dating experience. Here I count myself as a failure point.

Failure 5: I am not impressive
- Being bad at social interactions for the purposes of romantic relationships (somehow almost exclusively to this area) makes my fumbling with words come out as just plain stupid, confusing my motives and my meanings. Even worse that I am an English Graduate and have the vocabulary to fumble with.

Failure 6: Over-Analyzation
- By catalogeuing my points of failure I will end up over thinking everything and scold myself into a corner of inactivity by which there will be no action to take that will not have a chance of failure.

Failure 7: History
- I know her and friends of hers, some of her friends and I have history in one way or another. I am generally liked, and hold nothing against all of them, but normally history is seen as a bad thing, even if it is not.

Failure 8: Nice guys always loose
- I will end up somehow trying to be nice and be a friend and not push things and blah blah blah which will end up with me still as a friend and her dating someone else because I didn't have the stones to decide when to say when and rather did things to be kind and gentle and keep things from being awkward (no guts no glory)

Failure 9: Over Action
- By deciding that I will fail by doing nothing, I shall rather do everything and fail by that means.


Humor on the internet:

Internewbs

episode 65 - party and suck it blue

Sleep-Fighting

If you are easily disgusted by graphic descriptions please stop reading now.



I'm not feeling well today. I woke up to a strange taste as I noticed my nose was bleeding profusely and blood was all over. I'm not sure how much I swallowed, or even when or how it started, but it was bleeding much like it did years ago before it was cauterized. After twenty minutes or so of work it finally stopped. So needless to say I now feel sick and have a headache. The most fun explanation I can come up with is that I was sleep fighting... myself. Such a thing would not be entirely impossible. I mean, how often do you wake up when you fall off something, and when you hit the ground you feel like you hit the bed from several feet above? Is it so different?.. I think not.

So after all that I decided to spend the day watching Red vs. Blue and eating Captain Crunch. Oh and I found something of an inside joke, Rachel if you still read this check this out. And by the way, what the hell shapes are Captain Crunch pieces supposed to be anyways?

Fingers Crossed

Not much to talk about today... except one thing (Hopefully she won't read this and get totally creped out). Today I learned that a friend of mine recently became single. She is an awesome person and totally out of my league, but, upon learning that she is now single I immediately jumped on offering to meet for drinks sometime and giving her my business card (its cheesy sure, but it has my number and email on it). She's been a friend for a good long time now and has always been taken. She's a nice person, kind, smart, and the list goes on. I'll probably screw this up big time as normal. I believe my current tally of times stood up is at 14 and my dates that only had a first date is between 6 and 8. I don't fully expect she'll be interested, and it was a long term relationship that ended. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed and holding my breath. Hopefully after I pass out, by the time I wake I'll have good news, but that could take a while and though I may be the first in line, there are much better looking candidates out there (ones with hair for example).

And to think, this day started out with me in a bad mood and ended with me having hope (even if it never goes anywhere).

Everyone Else is Doing It

College graduation seems to be what is on people's minds this time of year. And since I am against going with the flow and doing what others do, I too will write about it. "But that does not make sense" you may think to yourself, "Dave, if you pride yourself on being different, why do what others do?" My answer is simple, I am a paradox wrapped in an enigma, hidden under a pepperoni that gently rests on a pizza which is sitting on your dinner table right now.

I "walked" one year ago, but didn't end up going. There was a problem. See I had something like ten people who wanted to come, all of whom are equally important to me, and the college would only let me bring four people. So this was problem one. Problem two was that a councilor lied to me about credits from classes I took while I was in for academic advising my sophomore year. This lead to me taking more credits than I needed for graduation, almost a whole semester more... that all did not count towards my graduation... So I had to return for two classes and an extra semester. Robbed of my money and stripped of my pride, I opted to just get my diploma sent to me by mail. I also decided to not go to the general graduation.

I plan to get my masters and doctorate by simply being awarded them honorarily through my great works, stunning good looks, lovable personality and huge consumer fan base. At that point I shall retire from the world and take on the mantle of the rockstar. Id est: buy a house so big that I can't possibly fill it with all of my crazy expensive pets, go out to eat where I can drop a grand on the meal in under an hour (and I eat slow) and get scandalous pictures taken of me in suggestive positions at sea world. It's gonna be great.

But until then I'll be what I am, on my island. But I'll have fun with what I can. I guess this just means that I get an extension to my vacation from work and women... And seeing it from that perspective makes it sound not half bad.

Perfectus Est

Post quattuor annis, iam quisne demum dolei sum factum est?

My latin is ill, but I ponder this now. My belief is that it will not be so. That things of the past are but shadows and smoke. But the fact of the matter is, the majority of the people I know and associate with have now graduated. I thought I was behind by taking a semester extra (stupid having more credits than I needed and them not counting) beyond most friends but it would not happen to be the case based on facebook picture albums. But that is what prompts my thinking.

Well, it has begun, yesterday started the alternating running schedule. So my hope is to be even more hot (may not be possible) by six months from now. I have also severely limited my soda intake (one a day) and my fast food habit (approaching zero). Keep your fingers crossed though, this won't be easy. It will take willpower and hard work, both of which I seem to have in abundance with spare time.

I met a girl the other day, talked for a while, things went decently, simply put she is probably the worst thing for me that I could possibly find. She even threatened to fight me in our first conversation. I hear she is egotistic, believes she is always right, is smart, and is good looking. Sounds perfect for me, except that she is admittedly (from all my sources) the worst possible choice I could make. I opened the lines of communication, or did a couple of days ago, and thus far have had no response. It would be funny if she had the balls to threaten to fight me, but not to meet me for coffee. Then again, it was unwise to threaten to fight me without knowing what I know about fighting... this was ether a bold move, or a sign of foolishness and an ego that is writing checks her body can't cash.

Today I wrote a followup letter to the portfolio I sent in last week. I dropped it off, sadly Paula was not there, but it will still get to where it needs to. Now the waiting game, until I decide I need to push them for a response again. Sadly the job title changed from "Designer" to "Level Designer" but I would be totally cool with that title and job. I'll keep you posted if I hear anything.

But now I must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always whirling, twirling, towards freedom!

Gotta love Charlie... Cool, Had'nt seen this one... or this one... Awesome.

Valete!

Qualifications?

Qualifications, what qualifications? I love how the world works, I honestly find it funny and I mean ha-ha funny. I am a specialist in two rare areas and this makes me less employable. Well I really don't have a problem with this, I chose it, but I needed to transition into my crazy job idea/scam of the week. I think myself and friends could, in fact, pull off creating, shooting and producing our own fake news show. I personally love John Stewart and Stephen Colbert. So much so that I wish to show my respect by emulating their styles and sharing their money and fame with them. I figure that if my degree qualifies me for nothing, then nothing is what I shall use it on. With the variety of people I know, and the specializations they have it could be quite interesting. You know, like a talk show which is a news show, which is an anti talk/news show that provides either fake news or misinterpreted news or something of the like. I focus on news because it happens every day.

My crazed fans:

Did some more subbing today, walked into a class and about five kids jumped up to say hello to me and ask if I'd be hanging out / subbing / back later in the year. And some of them even referenced things that I taught during the class. Then I subbed on friday. While there I invented an assignment, I took about half an hour to discuss the idea of the literary/historic/super hero and then assigned them to write about why society creates heroes. This was not on my list of things to do, but rather my sole idea. The amazing part was that I got about 50% participation in the discussion in each class. Now I say this is amazing, and think about it, a class of seniors with a sub who would rather sleep or watch a movie were raising their hands ans answering/asking questions for nearly half an hour while I lead a discussion. Pretty amazing.

Party Time, Excellent:

Friday night was spent with an old friend at her birthday/graduation party. One of the few times I've been at a real college party. Met a bunch of cool people, and even a bunch of people I haven't seen for five plus years. Did some drinking, played some games, told some stories, sobered up and left. On my way home I hit a sobriety checkpoint, but when I told the cop that yes I had been drinking and even the amount, he said "thank you for your honesty" and waved me through. Granted I was not drunk at that point or any point through the night, but my body did still know that I had been drinking. That's the second time that somehow honesty has possibly saved me from something. At the least I expected to be pulled over and run through the test just to waste my time, but the cop was cool.

And so my job hunt continues...

The Game

The rules of the game:

-you cannot talk about the game
-you cannot do anything that directly furthers your own interests
-you cannot aid others in any way that benefits you
-you cannot talk about the game

Social games always scare me, this is the basic code I live by. The reason they scare me is because I am quite good at lying and manipulating others. I set up these rules (ok so this is a mockery of the product) to govern myself so that I do not make it a common habit to use others. Problem is, subconsciously and in reality the rules do not stop me from being able to, and it sometimes slips. This makes me a hard person to do favors for, as I resist, divert, distract and misdirect, anything except helping.

Life as we know it:

So, if I work out to look sexyfied, if I use my suave and wit, if I hide my pains and my sorrows and bury my ghosts, will I be satisfied with the women I attract? If I am no longer myself but have women, what have I gained? Problem is, if I keep on the noble path that I currently walk, bend to no man or wo-man, and take no free gifts, I will always be alone. Well, currently I'm working on a new better happier image, but it's not for me. It's for you, my dear audience. I figure why not spill the beans as they are my beans to spill and clean up as I please. It's just another notch in my long list of ways to try and make you like me more which will (EDITED: now thinking positive) totally work and I should keep it up. ;)

The word:

so working book title: "One Thousand Ways to..." a book on random silly ideas and conversations between myself and my lupine friend. I'll keep working on it.



How sexy are your burgers?

Think :Positive

After long last I was able to have dinner with both an old teacher friend and a portion of my current friends. It worked out well, except my casual friends seemed a bit nervous or something as they did not talk. So that went well. I also applied to a job yesterday which was fun, I went in person and handed in a binder of my work. I was all jazzed up about it until I got the email today that they have reviewed my work and will contact me if an opportunity of mutual benefit should arise. So, that is a no. I tried to sleep in again today to prepare for my next two days of work, but only made it to 11am. Somehow I'm waking up earlier and earlier, I just don't get it.

Last night whilst driving home I saw a small reflection about a quarter mile ahead of me. I slowed way down to see a fox run across the road, but not fully as it stopped on the other side and began to bark. I looked and beheld that it's young was on the side of the road it had run from and now I was between them. I slammed on the breaks and did not hit the small animal, but watched as it confusedly debated crossing in front of me. Hopefully the parent will not leave it behind like that, and hopefully the young fox will have learned a lesson for next time. Does this apply to your life?

Think Positive, Perk Up...

The Biggest Loser

I have decided that I must eat better and work out more. Fact of the matter is I have been lifting weights for about two weeks now and actually have muscular arms. But I mainly plan to do this so that I will look better and less... soft in the midsection. So that when I go off in a drunken rage and tear open my shirt like the hulk I won't be as embarrassed afterwords. I'm not yet sure what this will entail or how I will go about it, but my past outlook on food of "I'll eat what I want when I want" really must go. I know many of you think I am skinny, and I am light and small, but I do wish to look good and be healthy as someday I'll still hope (crossed fingers) to find a girl who will want to spend my good looking years with me.

On a psychological note I thoroughly do not understand why I do what I do. Retrospectively I find myself manipulating people and events by dropping hints and allusions to lead others to conclusions so that I may test their responses and catalog them. Or how I purposely cause pain to see what it will affect. It sounds cold and it is, I don't know why I am totally honest some times and not others. I suppose I fear full disclosure, and I fear being mocked for the real me. For my real feelings, wants and needs.

In the area of relationships though, there has been movement. Recently I've been playing Pandemic II in my spare time and have found a special place in my heart for it. It is fun to design the plague that will wipe out all life on the planet... Now why does that make me question myself even more? It's a game right, so its meant to be fun... but its purpose... Oh well, I just wont think about it, I'm especially good at not dealing with emotional issues. But enough with me, I highly recommend the game, personally I'd make it more advanced, possibly include a few more hands on controls like regional evolutions or something but its good.

(Yes, I am the biggest loser, but not as the show would define it)
(loser really should be spelled looser phonetically, and then it would make my most frequent misspelling of the word correct!)

P.S. You know how I keep saying I think I'm going crazy, well I just had a ten minute conversation with a bat outside... yeah, explain that one away rationally. Oh and I've been seeing things that aren't there all weekend...

Cheers!

A Letter from Exile

On vacation in the land of no signal and no lines. Which in fact is a reversed lie. I thought I'd have cell signal but no internet, as it turns out, I can have internet if I walk a few miles, and I have no cell coverage... Well I guess that's just life.

Now it may or may not be due to the fact that I've been thinking about it all day, but I just read something for fun that I have read many times in the past. This time however I came to the conclusion that a section of what I was reading was a blatant sexual pun and full of imagery I had never seen before. The things you notice man, it's amazing.

If you have the time check out page 28 of the Washington Post May 8, 2008. They have an article titled "New 'Trek' Star Is a Chip Off the Old Spock" Just under the picture caption "Zachary Quinto prepared to play Spock in the new "Star Wars" by working with the man who first embodied the character, Leonard Nimoy." Now aside from strangely capitalizing the word 'is' how is it they could mix up Star Wars and Star Trek? Even worse, where was the editor who put the one caption right above the title. I guess this is the reason that people no longer read news papers, or maybe this is a sign that the Post has fired all of its editors... hard to say...

Lately I've been on a BogusRed kick. Not exactly sure why other than the fact that it was her who played the one song I was serious about wanting in my weding.

Speaking of weddings, a rogue thought occurred to me. I think, and don't get me wrong, that I need a girl who does not feel that she deserves me. Better, or worse, I don't care either she's doing me a favor or I'm doing her one, but either way why would I want someone who lacks a sense of gratefulness given or taken. Granted, it sounds dumb and like a bad idea, but it can't be the worst idea I've ever had right.

Well now on to actually talk about the vacation. Well, my brother has been gloomy, some of my extended family are going through hard family times, but I love these people. They have a sort of humor that I don't find anywhere else. It's dumb but its awesome. A great blend of feigned ignorance. I fear for the health of my uncle as his breathing and movement seemed labored. I also fear for the family of my aunt... But such things are not for me to discuss here as I know none of the particulars. My cousin is now a freshman in highschool and has grown into a well rounded know-it-all-punk who seems bent on making people set him in his place. He did beat me in pingpong though. But for the most part he is a high percentage arrogance and a low percentage real knowledge. Though such things are as they should be and soon he will back his thoughts with wisdom hopefully and grow into a smart cocky highschooler. And as a side note, I forgot deodorant.

If the year was another and time younger, I think I would do well to be a warlord. I wonder about this still today though warfare has changed. I feel like in simpler times with nothing to loose I could have marched across the land and I could have killed those unfortunate enough to fight against me for whatever cause brought me honor. My thoughts wander here still today, as I have not much to give up in life or death. I fear if things continue as they are, being jobless and purposeless (by this I mean without cause of a family to make my own) I will eventually give in to war and abandon that which I know. I knew one before who did the same, it may not be the best choice, but it would be a choice. I grow sick of sitting around here waiting on those who do not come or call, women and men
both.

Shall I reach heaven by violence then?

I know this sounds odd, this letter is written in my time which I have abundant in sacks and piles to muse over as it is spent and thrown into the fire. But once gone what then shall I do but spend the rest of it wishing I had more. Is not the mortal myth man?

Where is my chrono trigger? Why can I not turn back time and save myself? Will the dragon win the tale? My blade is rusted and my body broken, my spirit soon to follow, I cannot do this alone.

My body burns as if by the face of the sun, and my mind boils and spins. I ache and am tired yet find no rest, no satisfaction in myself or my time alone. Others do not content me though I may laugh and smile. What am I?

I am a writer as defined by my quality of writing. But all is for naught if my words do not take root and grow in the fertile minds which they reach. Do not take me lightly. Know me that I may never know you the same.

P.S. I think I share too much with you, If I said less you would see me as stronger, but it shall be my vow to be more positive.

P.P.S. Never again writing in notepad to spell check in word to paste in blogger...

Democratic Mathematics

Come on and we’ll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we’ll try, one last time
I’m off of the floor one more time to find you

The week went well. I figure I should post now as I'll be internet-less the next three days and quite unreachable (unless you know my digits in which case give me a shout yo). I got to sub twice this week, the first one was chronicled in my last post I believe. Odin's day, however, I taught English and Math. English was nice and smooth. Watched The Last of the Mahicans (with the main character who Mrs. Rice referenced as "Hot-guy" (character name: hawk-eye)) then finished up with She's the Man and Much Ado About Nothing (the version full of currently famous actors). I went hungry this day as I gave my lunch away to a girl who had forgotten to bring one. After these classes I finished my paperwork and was on my way out the door when I got called last minute to emergency cover a class. Now, I haven't done, much less seen calculus in about five-ish years, so covering a Calc class was... a learning process. While covering math I invented a new type of math I officially dub "Democratic Mathematics." This process mainly involves me being asked how to answer problems that I can vaguely remember doing something like at some time in the past, but otherwise having no idea even how to approach (I had no answer key). So... I had the kids write down their various answers and processes on the board, and we voted based on how many people arrived at each conclusion which answers were correct... Democratic Math, at least this way, if the answer is wrong, everyone can take comfort in the fact that they are all wrong together. Also I learned that I can look at how one kid did his work, and tell another kid how to do it and it's not cheating anymore since I'm now the teacher...

Otherwise though, the times and the epics have been good. I'll keep you posted though if anything changes. Now I'm off to explore the wild (more and more I feel like a Romantic Hero (you know from the romantic writing period)...)

And here we go there’s nothing left to choose
And here we go there’s nothing left to lose

Secret Messages

And lines in the sand, all too soon to be washed away, with an impact of meaning to last forever

color hex #000000

I need you to know, but I can't tell you. It would not be fair in any way. I dont know why I feel this way, it's not the same as it was. I love you. Again. I don't think I can live the rest of my life with you, knowing that you will meet some guy who is not me and marry him. I love you. I know you don't feel the same way. I have been going over and over how to tell you, but I can't without being unfair to you. I have thought about finding ways to spend time with you, show you that I care, but in the end I know that I have no second chance, and there is no way I could propose that in a way you would ever accept it. I can't guilt you into it, and tricking you isn't fair. But you are the only one I trust with everything, the only one that I feel I could go anywhere with and not be alone. You are a friend I never want to loose. But there is no way for me to promise that without having you to myself. I know I would object at your wedding, I know I would threaten your lovers with death if they did not treat you right, and I know I can never be for you what you say you want and need. You are the only one who still stands by me, who shares your pains and who I can complain to. It's stupid, but I love you for it. It's not like last time somehow. I was so mad at you, and I still am. But I'd rather fight with you the rest of my life, than never fight again. I'm sorry. I thought long about reminding you of what you told me, which was probably a lie but I wish so bad that it were true. I wish that it were the truth that you needed the four years to look around, and have fun, before knowing if you could settle for me. You said this, not in such harsh words but you did. But there is no way I can go back and make it right. No second chance I fear. I wish I could call and explain this, but you would just dismiss me and not talk to me for weeks, then act like it did not happen. I fear we have too much past, and nothing I say can convince you that I have changed and that I really am willing to move past the problems, nothing I can say can change how you feel. I have honestly tried hard to find someone and do what you had asked, but what if I can't? Or worse, what if you will always be the one I wish I had with me? That is why I can't tell you these things. It's not fair. You told me that you needed college off to be sure about us, about me, as an excuse, not as a promise or an intention. I'm sorry I botched it so badly. You say you think I'm a great guy, and girls are fools who stand me up left and right, but somehow I'm not the guy for you and you won't let me be. I feel it's not fair. You call me probably more often than you do your family, and you run to me when you need a friend. Why won't you let me be there for you, or at least why won't you let me try. Not even a second chance, you have said you are afraid of hurting me again but wont explain why but isn't that my risk to take and our issue to work out, not yours. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. I know I can't live without you, but you won't let me live with you. I'd rather have a hard and painful dysfunctional life with you even if you cheat on me, than having to live the rest of my life wishing and wondering if we could have had a second chance. Sadly I am telling the truth. You will always be the one. You make me smile.


democratic math

Things, Stuff, and Junk

General net hype has lead me to this movie. It's not bad, its a LOTR fan flick and they try quite hard to be exactly like Peter Jackson's version. It's quite impressive really.

I decided long ago, like maybe a year or so, that I'd do my darnedest to have this song at my wedding. It's a pretty song, and yes I know that if you recognize it then it will make you laugh. Somehow it just sums up gentle beautiful memory for me. Also let it be known I have no plans to get married in the near future... or do I? Well, even if I did... Which I'm not denying... I'd have to find a woman who could put up with me first, and such a thing... Well yeah...

Speaking of which I have frustrations I need to vent to someone, but cant because that would not be fair. It's funny how life works out. Ya' know. Know when there is something bugging you, and its something specific to another person, so it only makes sense to discuss it with them, but for one reason or another you can't discuss it it with them because in one way or another that would not be fair... I just... I wish... I...

Well so today I was back in the subbin' scene. The day was long and boring though as I only had one class to myself. All the others were team taught and by team I mean I graded homework whilst the other teacher taught. But I did get to do some grading. And then finished the day off right by learning those kids good with knowledge and stuff about Victorian romantic poetry (which I do happen to know a thing or two about oddly enough). But the true highlight of the day was third period, these two girls came in, saw that they had a sub, laughed at me and said in a pretentious voice, "A sub huh, so I guess we're not doing anything today or turning anything in" to which I said "Actually I'm collecting and grading the homework from page 354-357 in about five minutes, I suggest you get started on it." The best part is, I was serious, they did have homework and it was due and I was grading it. I got the best look of sheer terror in my entire life. It was awesome, I feed off of the plight of students apparently. They raced to do the homework and I didn't mark them off for doing it right before class, but rather for the poor quality of work they put forth in the five minutes they had to start and finish it. Ahhh it was great, but that's what they get for underestimating the power of my subbing awesome. Needless to say, they didn't give me lip the rest of class.

The Next Generation:

My next phase in a long line of crafting wooden weapons, will be a wedding present. I have been examining all the info on The Sword of Kahless. This will be my first non-human weapon, and being one solid piece (aside from the leather handle wraps) should provide a significant challenge to properly balance. See, the more small pieces you work with wood wise when crafting, the easier it is to fix mistakes and hot-swap pieces. However when the whole thing is one piece, it must be all done right the first time... blast...

Wisdom of the day, cherry pepsi and frosted mini wheats don't mix, nor do i hear good things about yuengling and crunch berries... but luckily I was not the discoverer of the second great wisdom shared here.

... perhaps I should add more game piano songs to my wedding play list... if my wife ever allows it... now that would be the mark of a great lady... Ok, so maybe I got a bit carried away, but some of these are quite beautiful.


... I wanted you to know that...

Ghostescence

As the title suggests, I am becoming a ghost to many of you. It's not intentional, my detachment is a natural response to my feeling generally useless to the world as after over 20 job applications to jobs that I am fully or even over-qualified for, NO ONE HAS RESPONDED. This does, however, give me the time to waste doing stuff like writing blogs and sleeping, two very useful and productive activities... oh yes and apply for jobs. But I have been doing much thinking recently on my womanage problems and I think I have come to a grand and publication worthy conclusion.

-Speaking a different language with the same words-

I believe (because I have tried every "type" of woman) that my getting rejected and stood up often (weekly to monthly, depends on how brave I feel) is not due to me choosing and chasing the wrong type of woman (as many friends have speculated) but rather because I have been speaking in a foreign language with common words. See, I'm looking for a simple relationship, something like friendship. A person who I can hang out with and talk to. Maybe someone I can eat out with once and a while. Mainly, someone I can get to know. Granted my hopes are that I will get to like this person and they will care about me and it would lead to a romantic relationship with the end goal of marriage. But its the means that I am screwing up. I think that when I ask "Would you be interested on going on a date" they hear "would you like to get the same crap from me you get from other guys who just want you for your body and will try to take advantage of you on your third date" which is entirely not where I'm going. I need a new set of words I think. Something that expresses that I seek something like a close friendship with a female, but A. not sounding that stupid and B. having it happen in such a way that they don't just up and date some other guy while I am getting to know them. I don't know, its just my latest theory.

Words of wisdom for the week: "Knowing is half the battle... the other half is violence." - Adam

I notice that the wall of soda cans grows ever taller around my computer. Soon I will be fully fortified from frontal assault by means of infantry. Odd too, because I've been cutting down on my soda consumption. I guess I've also been cutting down on my soda can disposal routine.

Take it easy guys,
-Super Dave
(my secret alternate bowling identity)

Following in his footsteps

No, sorry this is not a religious post (unless you consider the Lord of the Rings series a religious text) notice that the "he" in the title is not capitalized. Rather this is a personal statement of life comparison. I stole the title from the first surface main story quest in Fallout 3. But in this case, rather than follow Liam Neeson, I seem to be following Tolkein. I have begun the slow and arduous journey back to authorship. The other day I finished work on a chapter concerning the barrow and the acquisition, and today I outlined the chapter on the hunting trip. The story is still coming together, and it's funny. I have the beginnings and origins done (characters and world), and I know where they must go and end up (how it all ends) and I technically know what must happen along the way, but its the middle I'm having the biggest problem writing.

I think though, in retrospection, that for Tolkein to choose to use the word wraith was a perfect fit. Unfortunately because of his choices I can't use that word or the entire concept of mithril.

But back to the topic at hand, following in his footsteps, I have recently found myself returning to the study of the middle ages. But this time its an independent study. The majority of my study focuses on the histories, languages, and mythologies of the British isles. I find myself particularly drawn to Celtic lore and the elder futhark language. I have also been spending time reading about the Volsung and Nibelungen. It's really cool stuff if you like pseudo historical mythology (and utterly fascinating psychologically, though I don't recommend reading them from that angle as like most mythologies, reading them with such a mindset will drive you mad).


Time once again for the Latin learning corner:

today's word: vestigia
modern conjugates: investigate, vestige...
translation: track, trace, essence (often simply translated as footprint)

Therefore: In vestigia ambulant post it (I think... my latin is a little rusty... not sure about the personal ending on vestigia though...)

Shout Out!