Secret Messages

And lines in the sand, all too soon to be washed away, with an impact of meaning to last forever

color hex #000000

I need you to know, but I can't tell you. It would not be fair in any way. I dont know why I feel this way, it's not the same as it was. I love you. Again. I don't think I can live the rest of my life with you, knowing that you will meet some guy who is not me and marry him. I love you. I know you don't feel the same way. I have been going over and over how to tell you, but I can't without being unfair to you. I have thought about finding ways to spend time with you, show you that I care, but in the end I know that I have no second chance, and there is no way I could propose that in a way you would ever accept it. I can't guilt you into it, and tricking you isn't fair. But you are the only one I trust with everything, the only one that I feel I could go anywhere with and not be alone. You are a friend I never want to loose. But there is no way for me to promise that without having you to myself. I know I would object at your wedding, I know I would threaten your lovers with death if they did not treat you right, and I know I can never be for you what you say you want and need. You are the only one who still stands by me, who shares your pains and who I can complain to. It's stupid, but I love you for it. It's not like last time somehow. I was so mad at you, and I still am. But I'd rather fight with you the rest of my life, than never fight again. I'm sorry. I thought long about reminding you of what you told me, which was probably a lie but I wish so bad that it were true. I wish that it were the truth that you needed the four years to look around, and have fun, before knowing if you could settle for me. You said this, not in such harsh words but you did. But there is no way I can go back and make it right. No second chance I fear. I wish I could call and explain this, but you would just dismiss me and not talk to me for weeks, then act like it did not happen. I fear we have too much past, and nothing I say can convince you that I have changed and that I really am willing to move past the problems, nothing I can say can change how you feel. I have honestly tried hard to find someone and do what you had asked, but what if I can't? Or worse, what if you will always be the one I wish I had with me? That is why I can't tell you these things. It's not fair. You told me that you needed college off to be sure about us, about me, as an excuse, not as a promise or an intention. I'm sorry I botched it so badly. You say you think I'm a great guy, and girls are fools who stand me up left and right, but somehow I'm not the guy for you and you won't let me be. I feel it's not fair. You call me probably more often than you do your family, and you run to me when you need a friend. Why won't you let me be there for you, or at least why won't you let me try. Not even a second chance, you have said you are afraid of hurting me again but wont explain why but isn't that my risk to take and our issue to work out, not yours. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. I know I can't live without you, but you won't let me live with you. I'd rather have a hard and painful dysfunctional life with you even if you cheat on me, than having to live the rest of my life wishing and wondering if we could have had a second chance. Sadly I am telling the truth. You will always be the one. You make me smile.


democratic math