The Biggest Loser

I have decided that I must eat better and work out more. Fact of the matter is I have been lifting weights for about two weeks now and actually have muscular arms. But I mainly plan to do this so that I will look better and less... soft in the midsection. So that when I go off in a drunken rage and tear open my shirt like the hulk I won't be as embarrassed afterwords. I'm not yet sure what this will entail or how I will go about it, but my past outlook on food of "I'll eat what I want when I want" really must go. I know many of you think I am skinny, and I am light and small, but I do wish to look good and be healthy as someday I'll still hope (crossed fingers) to find a girl who will want to spend my good looking years with me.

On a psychological note I thoroughly do not understand why I do what I do. Retrospectively I find myself manipulating people and events by dropping hints and allusions to lead others to conclusions so that I may test their responses and catalog them. Or how I purposely cause pain to see what it will affect. It sounds cold and it is, I don't know why I am totally honest some times and not others. I suppose I fear full disclosure, and I fear being mocked for the real me. For my real feelings, wants and needs.

In the area of relationships though, there has been movement. Recently I've been playing Pandemic II in my spare time and have found a special place in my heart for it. It is fun to design the plague that will wipe out all life on the planet... Now why does that make me question myself even more? It's a game right, so its meant to be fun... but its purpose... Oh well, I just wont think about it, I'm especially good at not dealing with emotional issues. But enough with me, I highly recommend the game, personally I'd make it more advanced, possibly include a few more hands on controls like regional evolutions or something but its good.

(Yes, I am the biggest loser, but not as the show would define it)
(loser really should be spelled looser phonetically, and then it would make my most frequent misspelling of the word correct!)

P.S. You know how I keep saying I think I'm going crazy, well I just had a ten minute conversation with a bat outside... yeah, explain that one away rationally. Oh and I've been seeing things that aren't there all weekend...

Cheers!