Dragonsong

Okay... so maybe not so much of a song and a bit more of a musing. While riding home I got into a discussion with a friend about the associated traits of dragons (geeky I know). I shall continue and include the comprehension here as I can sadly actually lay claim to being something of an expert on this topic (degree in medieval lit and folklore, of which this concerns both). So on to dragons.

Here are the main traits I've identified (western dragons only)
- magic / fire breathing
- evil
- greedy (hoard gold, demand sacrifices)
- maidens?
- green?
- reptilian?

The pondering question was: how does a creature gain associations with such humanly personified traits. Granted that other creatures gain this too (lions with power/royalty and eagles with wisdom) why do dragons have these traits in stories?

Possible solutions:

- "a wizard did it" in the middle ages and before, or basically any time that there was a clear lack of scientific knowledge and method, many things which could not be explained were obviously done by magic. This list includes the dying of green fabric, the production of steel, electrostatics, and of course any sort of chemistry.

- "...from hell's heart..." the link to breathing fire may in fact directly link dragons to evil and greed in that fire was often connected to the idea of hell (borrowed from the fires of tartarus) this will be expounded upon later.

- "the green eyed monster" greed, now why would they be associated with greed. I'll hit two birds with one stone here. The color green is associated with greed, jealousy, and envy. Dragons are often green. Simple. Second, the personified rule of human ownership: namely that if you have something and I kill you, now I own it. Or since dragons were powerful, and needed powerful champions to kill them (knights, saints, kings) these dragons would end up collecting or inheriting things from all the people they killed, almost all of which a dragon cant use (no prehensile thumbs and cant fit into a suit of armor... Doh!) Last dragons, like men, often ask for some form of tribute, in the case of the mongols this was in riches. Pay a dragon off maybe he'll leave alone your cows?

- "Virgin sacrifice" maidens, yeah so late into the dragon tradition we see princesses and such being taken by dragons and half the time NOT EATEN. What's up with that? I think there are two easy explanations. First there is the continued idea of placation, namely if you cant pay it off with riches, give it women. It works for invading hoards, check the history books (also a good way to get rid of that pesky pedophile nobleman and at the same time get into the royal line). Second back in the old days of the Greeks and Romans, virgin sacrifice was a great way to ward off war (story of Theseus) and bad crops (look up ancient Ceres worship and the birth of crucifixion). So if there is a problem, sacrifice a virgin to it and it might go away (potential fix to all of life's problems)!

- "Green" already covered.

- "Draco, Draconis" okay so I said earlier something about fire linking dragons to hell which may make them evil. Well there is a lot more to it. Reptiles in general get a bad rap from religions (except for those that worship them. Christianity not being one that does). In the bible several times things like snakes, various amphibians (i know, not reptiles), and monsters (if they are bad they get reptilian personifications) are often linked to the snake in Eden, or the Dragon that is the Devil, or so forth. Technically the word Serpen, Serpentis means "creeping thing" and the word Draco, Draconis means "reptilian creature" (in latin) so realistically a dragon can be any sort of reptile, and they are all generally bad or have deplorable demeanor's.

That's it for now, got questions, comments, refutations? Send your check or money order to me care of me at me and my house. Donations to the Children's Awareness and Security Hotline (please write in abbreviated form) also accepted.

knowing

Uhhhhh... So... Let me start at the beginning, as that sounds like a good place to start. Today was a reasonably normal day. Half way through though I began to be hit by this feeling. It made me feel alone. I didn't know how to deal with it. First I wanted to get a pack of cigarettes and go wander a city, look for inspiration. It hit me that as much fun as subbing is, now what? I have a degree but I cant sub the rest of my life. And I cant keep treating my life the way I do. If I want happiness and satisfaction, I need to find them. So after deciding that being alone was probably a bad idea, I sent out an open invite. I ended up having a good dinner with the Wolf, then we went to see "I Love You, Man." To start, the previews were great, this summer will be an awesome time for movies. The first half of the movie made me fear that the whole thing would be based off awkward situations and phrases, but luckily it did have a story and didn't rely on that method for the whole movie (I get tired of the new trend of awkward humor... I guess as much as I may mock it, there is something to the good 'ol slapstick humor). However it kinda lacked a good full resolution. Like, it did tie up the main story line, but not all the subplots such as the MARRIAGE that the whole movie surrounded. When I got home I installed my brand spankin' new 1tb hard drive (upon reflection, I suppose that phrase refers to babies). So that meant I had time to kill. So I watched the new movie "Knowing." Not a bad flick, kinda reminded me of the number 27 or whatever that movie was. Good, suspenseful, gave me goosebumps...but... in the end left me disappointed. Were those aliens or angels? His name was not Adam? Tree of life? This movie is good until the end where the main script was lost and a preacher on a good acid trip filled in the last fifteen minutes...


a note to the world (the world being all those things bigger than myself):

I think that you would respect me more If you did not read my complaints, my fears and my failures. But then how terrible am I when compared to you? How weak am I, how fearful, and how lowly? Please see the strength in my weaknesses. See the lies which I share and the truths which I hide and forgive me of them. In not knowing your faults and struggles, I struggle daily to forgive you of yours. I am not perfect, and that is the only way you can have me, so please take me for what I am and help my dreams to come true. Do not mock me for my hopes, or shun me for my faults. Hear me... Hear me. Give me a chance to succeed. Do not discredit me as I walk in the door. Allow my dreams to come true. Please... Please... Please.

Sunday: relatively uneventful, Asile went back to school, I took a good resting nap, did some computer maintenance, then went to dinner. Uneventful EXCEPT that one of my students was working at the restaurant I went to... Awkward... Even more so since I caught her on Friday making out with her boyfriend in the stairwell... Hahahaha.

Snarky

So much to say... So little digital space... NOT! Well, on Friday I taught several physics classes. This went extremely well as they were doing the "egg drop" project. You know, the one where you build a paper contraption to protect an egg from a fall. So I did a lot of cleaning. Out of 64 eggs, two were left over and three survived the experiment flawlessly. That means that over the course of the day 59 eggs broke, many of which I had to clean up. However the cool part was, I got to grade the kids. My range of responsibilities is growing! As the day went on one of the kids from the English classes I taught two weeks ago passed by the room and spotted me. He came in for a sec, asked the class if I was subbing that class for the day, and then exclaimed "You guys will like him, Mr. C. is cool sub!"

Right as the day ended I got a message concerning my blog. Apparently someone had read it and decided to call me "Snarky." Now, I had my suspicions and had to look up that word. I was right (at least I was not called "swanky") but now must wonder. Is this a complement or an insult?

Many other things happened on Friday that I don't remember as well, but one of them is that my sister came home. She had been in Mexico the past week, and with the news being what it was I can't say I didn't worry a bit. We sat around and caught up as I worked my technical magic on her computer to retrieve long lost data.

Also I have found a new personal goal to achieve. It will take some time, lots of research, and many unwilling victims. But since I am not doing this for official college reasons I can ignore the ethical ramifications of using unwilling human test subjects (I'm sure that alone breaks most of the ethics codes) but seriously, what better baseline subject is there than one that is unaware that they are being tested? I can think of none, and thus shall begin immediately. Personal improvements here I come!

Mmmmm cake.... The cake is so delicious and moist...

[EDITED]

Okay... so the last post may have contained a bit too much personal truth, and not quite enough creative truth...But if you ever decide to live life without regrets, the best modus operandi is to only make decisions that will never follow you... I have gone back and made the proper changes, and to make up for the current hole in the narrative of my life, I shall provide a creative reenactment in story form for you concerning my personal past. So please make sure your seats and tray-tables are in their proper upright positions, take note of the exits in the front and rear of the auditorium, and set your cellphones to silent so you can enjoy your:

FEATURE PRESENTATION

Once in a magical land there was a singing flying dolphin. This dolphin was named Herbert. Herbert loved to sing and dance while juggling potatoes and riding a unicycle in the fields near his home town of Magicville. One day while Herbert was at the royal ball, he noticed that there was a very beautiful Sea cucumber there who had the magical power of breathing water like a fish, swimming fast, and growing green hair. Herbert fell in love with this magical Sea cucumber, but the evil dragon who ruled the kingdom would have no part of it. The dragon locked up the Sea cucumber in a tall tower and only let her make phone calls for less than an hour on days when the two did not see each other and before 8pm but only after 6pm and never on weekends. But the two soon learned about the secret tunnel system under the castle and often sneaked out to walk through the enchanted forests and often stop to smell each other. Herbert was studying to be a clown and the Sea cucumber was preparing for an advanced degree in the physics of the motion of fish-tales. But the two overcame these differences since Herbert knew that even when he was right, he was wrong, and that the Sea cucumber was good looking, and made him smile. Together they decided to ignore the tyrannical dragon and though time kept them apart they stayed in touch. After the dragon left for vacation, the two started an ostrich farm and lived happily ever after in the small mud hovel that Herbert bought with the earnings from his clowning career as well as his side job as a amateur magician. The end.

Now GET OUT OF MY THEATER!

P.S. it's not guilt tripping if I don't get anything out of it. :P

The Exception [EDITED]

For the past three weeks I have been meeting with a nice young lady around lunch time. I believe I have spoken about her before, and here I will again. The best description I can come up with is that it's odd how we get along. When we meet I feel like we are two old friends, even though we have never really known each other at all. We have nice simple conversations where I don't feel like either of us dominates the floor, and each seems to agree with the other generally. It's odd really... Well, okay, so first it's odd that she seems interested to talk with me (that's down right exceptional) and second that somehow it just feels natural.

One friend recently put it, "You (I) go on lots of first and second dates, but never any third dates." This is sadly quite true. With my new found ample self-examination-time I have been doing lots of self-psychoanalytical retrospection. I think that if I really wanted to, I could go on more third dates, but if it's not one thing its another and something in me chooses not to. First I rarely find a person interesting and worthy enough to spend such time and money on. But I think mainly my problem is fear. I long for someone to care about me, like to actually care about my thoughts and feelings and well being beyond the love that friends bring. But, I'm afraid of opening myself up to that. In the past my pessimism and negativity towards women has been linked (and quite fairly) to a [OMITTED]. And after much thought, I sadly have to [OMITTED]. I am afraid to [OMITTED] into [OMITTED] real [OMITTED] because I am [OMITTED] of opening up and being [OMITTED]. I won't go into too much detail, but [OMITTED], [OMITTED], [OMITTED]. I [OMITTED] her. I saw [OMITTED] [OMITTED] time with this [OMITTED] [OMITTED] and [OMITTED] her on [OMITTED], and she [OMITTED] [OMITTED] [OMITTED] was not [OMITTED] and [OMITTED]. Well, [OMITTED], she [OMITTED], but [OMITTED]... Which of course was [OMITTED]. I was [OMITTED], and in fact [OMITTED] [OMITTED]. In [OMITTED] months I [OMITTED] but the show had to go [OMITTED], so my [OMITTED] suffered and I [OMITTED] my life. So now that story time is over, that is my deep irrational fear. Lessons are best learned through failure and pain, but sometimes what the lessons teach is not good to learn and believe. I wrote this because several have asked how I became this way, and from my point of view, though it is watered down and facts have been omitted and names changed to protect the innocent, that is that. So tell [OMITTED] that is the reason, as I know you asked the all important question of "why" and her companion through the ages "how".

St. Pat

St. Patrick's day: started the day off right, at 12:00 am I toasted with a few friends. They both had full glasses of Guinness and I had a full large bottle of Morgan. It was hilarious. Later in the day it was decided that all of us were going to get "belligerent" however that never ended up happening. At dinner we all went out to see Jaimie who supported this idea, and then later several other friends wished as much as well. I stopped by the ABC store to prepare for the event, all proper like, and when I got out my ID to show the clerk he waved me by and said "no problem you look old enough." Now according to VA state law "old enough" is set at thirty-nine-and-one-half years old, such that it is ambiguous and yet way over the required legal age to purchase alcohol. Somehow I look like I am about forty years old... Granted having spent the past week watching my brother, which as one friend pointed out is much like having a ten year old, would make me closer to the right age... I have always looked older than I am, and now it's just getting depressing, no wonder I can't easily get a date...

Time

Phew, I have a moment to myself. It's been a while since the last post. I'm still here doing housework, and today I also taught a high school English class (four technically). Friday I'll be teaching physics which will be an interesting change of pace for me. Things have been busy, my emotions have been running wild with all this waiting, but the news so far is, my grandfather is improving and may be able to return home from the hospital.

Been spending the rest of my time watching my brother and playing Fallout 3... mmmm Oblivion with guns... mmmmmm...

Law of N

Sweet, a fourth e-harmony message, and it follows the trend "this user has requested that communication between you two be permanently closed. reason: other" Well, maybe we should all start taking bets on how many of these rejections I'll get before someone sends a non-rejection letter...

I just finished watching Van Wilder, and what can I say but, "Ahhh the memories." Granted I didn't stay in college for seven years, but I certainly had a good run, and now it's time for the real world. I hope that in the same way, I left behind friends and colleagues, family and friends, friends and acquaintances and classmates. Taking stock of the past, it was good. It makes me realize that there is a major distinction between those who choose to follow, because it is safe, it is predictable and it is easy, and those who choose to make their own way. I beg of you, find your own way home.

I had a good conversation with a friend recently about the "law of conservation of ninjitsu" and we have discussed going in co-authorship style... It could be good, speaking of which I need to get off my lazy ass and finish that kid's book.

I have been doing a great deal of soul searching recently. And I can't say its not painful. Making decisions about the future automatically means having to choose what friends you will be able to see, and those you won't. I'm beginning to seriously consider a teaching career, maybe private school first to get my certificate... I have a job waiting for me in that sector... Maybe I'll give it a shot. Though, I'll keep aiming for a job in the game industry as has been my true dream. My most recent plot (haven't gotten a restraining order yet *keeps fingers crossed*) is to email around a resume and cover letter for the job of "random do-anything-that-needs-doing intern" and see if I get a response. No, you're right, this is not a job that any company has open, but I figure appealing to their sense of humor may be a new angle. I mean hey, it's me ',:D seriously, I can't just fall in line and do things the way others do, that would be... well sickening to start, but boring to finish.

My heart goes out today to all of those who have lost their job to the economy. It really hasn't yet affected northern virginia much as this place has a major gov't backing, but it's starting to hit closer to home. Let it be known that if I can do anything, I will.

Well, all this soul searching has been making me sick, but I'm feeling kinda good too... Kinda like this (parental advisory: this video may be inappropriate for children). I guess the worst part about taking stock of myself, is seeing the areas of my life that I am wasting myself on and the things I am failing at for what they really are, and then realizing I need to do something about them. That means changing, in some places trying again and in others tearing it all down and then deciding if I should start again. Some of the most painful choices to make are those where I realize that maybe there is nothing left or worth salvaging, and it all must go. This sounds lighthearted, but I'm talking about me, you know, the person I care most about (lies). It's been a hard... well not summer any more now that I'm out of college, but we'll say break so I don't feel like I'm a huge bum and slacker, I'll just blame it on the economy... that's it, the economy... Funny how being surrounded by death and loss for a time makes you look back. I wish I could say I don't have regrets. But to tie things up in a circular fashion:

Van: "You shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive."

... now I need to go to bed so in the morning I can make my brother lunch and get him off to school. (posted at 3:11 am)

Electronic H

Sweet, a third message from someone at e-harmony... Third time is the charm right... Nope, another request to permanently close communication between us... This is fun, if I really wanted to be judged based on cursory information and shot down repeatedly I could go out in public, or better yet, just talk to the girls I hang out with on a constant basis. I like how there are maybe three girls I know who think I'm a great guy and maybe would date me if they were not taken, and how maybe all the rest think I'm a great guy but wouldn't touch me with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole. But rather I get the "you're a great guy and there is a great girl out there somewhere for you...maybe..." liars. sorry did I say that out loud? But, that's enough complaining about women for the moment. (And now I burn in hell for my links)

Sweet, there is a Far Cry movie!? I'm not sure how to feel about this... especially since it is labeled as "action, adventure, and drama." The reason I'm not sure how to feel, well reasons are: 1. its a game that became a movie, so... yeah that really has not been done well yet. 2. drama? its labeled drama? why not horror, Far Cry was about a secret military experiment gone wrong on a remote island...

Speaking of which, I guess technically "Silent Hill" was not bad as a movie, it actually tried to follow the game. That may be its greatest quality and downfall. Whereas "Resident Evil" took on an entirely new storyline that is vaguely connected to the people, places and events in the games. Not terrible movies, but I'd have preferred seeing the games directly, as they were good and had decent stories.

And now let's not even go to the Super Mario Bros. movie (shudder) or the Ninja Turtles (not that bad really, my childhood heroes, but not great unless you are still living in the '80s)

But unrelated good news! My college diploma just arrived! It only took over two months! Woot, I am officially and unequivocally graducated! errr gradumacated! ugh... Gradgimanated! ummm... Everything I say from now on is right and backed by the state (as I got a degree in everything, specifically things which are snooty, pretentious or better-than-you, which apply to all people, cultures, thoughts and feelings on this earth ever in existence or otherwise... Id est: English) (... Awww it says nothing about my extensive study of human sacrifice, pagan rituals, witchcraft, faeries, or knights in shining armor... Err... I mean, my minor in folklore and mythology and my concentration in medieval literature)

Mr. Mom

... Yeah okay, so that was the title of a kid's comedy staring Michael Keaton, but hey. So my grandfather's health is rapidly getting worse and my mom is flying down to Texas. There she will meet with her sisters and parents as it looks like... well... yeah... So in the mean time I shall be my brother's keeper for lack of a better term (and no I do not mean that I will kill him... unless he makes me). That and I get to be the housekeeper for the week. Should be fun-ish-maybe... The entire next week I will be doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and anything else the family needs around the house, which also includes making my brother's lunch in the morning and seeing him off to school. I wish I could go with mom, not gonna lie, but then I have seen enough death spiral around me this year and now that it's directly affecting the family it's cold dark oppressive cloud is settling over my household. So... Anyone want to come over here and join me for dinner? I'll be home every day for the next week and a half... and somewhat tied to the house except during mid-day when everyone I know is busy.

I know I'm not talking about it much, or even that I am dancing around not talking about it. My grandfather's health has set a thick cloud of gloom around the house as my mother has spent each day by the phone waiting for news. And although I welcome a change of schedule and learning new things, forced change is always harder to accept than the kind chosen in my own lazy time. It will be a long boring week, but hopefully there will be enough to write about. If you could, make some time to stop by, or call, or write. Any contact will be appreciated.

C-A-P-S

Sweet, got another message from e-harmony... and its another match ending communication with me! Sweet, this is just like the "datable" thing on facebook. There I have something like 74 votes from people who would not date me, and 0 from those who would. Well damn.

On the up side, I went to a "basketball" (hockey) game tonight, saw the Caps get beat by the Maple leaves. Darn Ca-nooks. In general it was an adventure. I met two of my female friends and we undertook the journey together. It was nice until my seat was not with theirs and I was down the isle in another row next to the loud woman and her angry husband. You know, the sports fans that you always hear yelling unhappily, and everyone around them pretends that they do not exist, I sat next to those people. But the game was fun and hanging out with the girls was fun too. One now owes me money, so thats a near grantee that I'll see her again, which is nice I guess. Everything was cool until some drunk guys were... hitting on is not quite the right word, but they were trying to talk with my friends, so we moved metro cars since they were uncomfortable with the topics of conversation. Then the girls began to bet each other which of them would be married first since apparently "I don't have to worry about that sort of thing 'cause its easy for a guy to get married, all I need is to find a girl and ask her." Well... Yeah... It's not ever quite that simple... But all in all it was a nice evening, and I look forward to hanging with them again.

The whole time though I had two things on my mind. One was this one other girl, the one I'm always talking about, so that should be no surprise. And unrelated to that I had the song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift in my head. It's a cute song... and dare I say that it makes me smile, or would that be too girly of a thing to think? The video kinda reminds me of the first night I met that girl... the Juliet in the video is almost as beautiful as she was that night, and the Romeo guy kinda looks like me when I had hair... Ah that dance, the memories make me smile...




"Let's get lost"

Already

Wow, it's only the second full day I've been on e-harmony and the first communication I get from a person is one telling me that one of my potential matches is not interested in me and has chosen to end all potential contact between us. At first it had told me that someone had sent me a message, but it turns out that the message was the notification that I have been rejected by them... and we hadn't even spoken once... This is starting to remind me of real life... I'd have thought that people as desperate as I would not be so quick to judge as they are in the normal every day life outside of internet dating... I guess I was wrong.

Sometimes I wonder why things are this way. It's like fate has decreed that no one can care about me. I have done lots of reading and it's not like I sabotage myself at any step along the way. I do not communicate poorly or send mixed signals. I am not impolite, lying about who I am, or truly boring. This scares me. It scares me because I have been on a lot of first dates, and met a lot of women, and somehow have roughly a 90% failure rate of achieving a second date, and maybe a 35% chance of being stood up all together on that first date. So what does this mean? If I choose to believe in fate then I can hope it means I'm not allowed to settle for someone who is not the one for me, I'm just being... directed... in such a way that the one who I am supposed to be with will be different. I also worry because there is one girl who does care for me, granted it is only out of shame that no one else will, and we have a very rocky road, both past and future. It's hard to not think about her in times like this. She may be a dick sometimes, but she gave me a chance, and hasn't fully given up on me yet. And even though she has mostly given up one me, the fact that its not fully means a lot. As I said last time, I seem now to have a large number of female friends, but I only have two sisters. But who knows, I may yet meet the person of my dreams who also cares about me...

...How heartbreaking it is to live in a land where dreaming is forbidden and wishes do not come true...

But I am young, which means that my chances will only go down hill from here. And based on my past success rate, that means I should have a mathematically theoretical chance of meeting someone who is also interested in me by... one sec, let me do the calculations... carry the five... take the square root... over pi... and the delta t for age... Ah, the year 4124... Hmmm... not exactly what I was looking for... Stupid statistics and their temporal quarterly compounding...

Well, I'm off to a Caps game with some of my female friends... Ill recall it when I get back.

Have a good day my readers!

P.S. Thanks skye for being a loyal reader and responder to this dull blog. You're not so bad, even though you left me out in the cold yesterday.

Locked Out

Well, I'm over at a friend's place and have unfortunately found myself locked outside. So this gives me time to write. I had a good day in general today. I slept in, met up with the wolf for some Bible studying, then came here. Wolf is doing well which makes me glad, he's been through some rough times recently. While going about my day several cool things happened which contributed to it being a good day. First I ran into an old acquaintance, a person who I have known in name and face only nearly all my life, and today I ran into her on campus. She invited me to sit with her and we talked for nearly an hour. It was a good talk, I was not a jerk, nor did I dominate the conversation, but somehow we shared the dominating of conversation. And when it was all over, she asked me if I'd be around on that day, time and place for the rest of the semester so we could meet up again. How cool is that, I had a spontaneous conversation with a person I don't really know, and it went well enough to have another go. Not only that but she is a she and I didn't totally creep her out or scare her. I'm not talking about anything romantic at all, I'm just happy that I can have normal conversations with normal people and not scare them off. Or for that matter, offend every female I meet in general. Also throughout the day I ran into two other girls who want to hang out as friends sometime, and got a text inviting me to a CAPS game with another girl and her friends. There was a time when I did not have many female friends, that age may now have finally passed... Though, I don't think it will change my view or writing on the matter much yet... Only time will tell.

The Morning After

Ok... so apparently drinking heavily and blogging is just as detrimental to my health as drinking and driving. I'll leave up the last post as a badge of shame and pride on my online chest. Needless to say (but I'll say it anyways) I got into a box of wine last night after fighting with a friend. Also being most of my friend's favorite drunk really does not encourage modesty on my part... and no one else will drink the box of wine... so I had maybe a liter... Yeah... You know... Within half an hour... ...

So I've finished setting up my e-harmony profile (it only took years...er... hours). And I have a great time laughing at their evaluation of my personality. Normally I throw personality tests for a loop, the best I've ever taken was the Myers briggs that labels me as an INTJ. All other tests seem to get confused by my paradoxical and contradictory way of balancing logic and creativity to march to my own beat and look like I'm walking in line all at the same time.

So e-harmony thinks this of me:

In the category of Agreeableness
I am fair, considered, collaborative, responsive, sensible, diplomatic, contemplative, indulgent, and rational.

In the category of Openness
I am original, inventive, thinker, brave, eccentric, avant-grade, out-of-touch, and unique

In the category of Emotional Stability
I am adaptable, engaged, able to cope, passionate, perceptive, flexible, receptive, aware and avid.

In the category of Conscientiousness
I am impulsive, instinctive, intuitive, sometimes inefficient, procrastinator, and rule-breaker.

In the category of Extraversion (yes they did misspell extroversion, and I noticed it)
I am thoughtful, modest, reflective, private, introverted, careful, restrained, and meditative.

Interesting for the most part. The lengthy descriptions of these tell me that I am "the best of both worlds and able to balance X and Y equally" in everything except in the category of "Conscientiousness" where the extended description says basically that I am a slacker with no regard for rules, routines, guidelines, deadlines, or structure. This is entirely not true as I am reasonably predictable and boring as a person... A slacker yes, but totally spontaneous and off the wall, no. Oh well. I have made my personality profile public, so we will see if anyone actually checks it out (as I think it will notify me... that may only be if I pay though...).

Well, have a good day you folks, I'll catch you on the flip side, and hopefully sober again.

Stuff

I'm totally wasted right now. 5 glasses of a new box wine. But then again, I got in a fight with a friend. She was kinda looking for a fight, so I gave her more ammo. Maybe not a good idea. I regret that though. My fingers type nimbly somehow kinda. I'm sure this will make no sense when I'm sober. So today, after the fight ish thing, I joined E-harmony. Sorry ladies, I'm digital now. I have heard that the only people on online dating services are either crazy or psychotic, and some are both. I tried to answer honestly, but honestly after an hour of personality test, how can you not lie about how often you lie? Especially when its a true and false question. So if I answer true that I lie often, then I'm telling the truth about lying, but if I say no, then I am lying. Its great. So I have 10 matches already... had to answer no to all of those how many children do you have questions.

I also got hundreds of business cards today, they will come in a week. I regret the fight I had with the friend. She is a good friend and I wish we could work things out. I like her. And I wish that neither of us were so stubborn sometimes. But I'm a jerk, and she is a dick. But I really care about her, and I don't want to loose her. She keeps saying words like "never" and I don't like those words. I was just asked if I was drunk blogging, and its true. So yeah. I'm gonna go before I say more since it is now to my attention that I probably should not do this. Besides it is deniable plausibility on my side.

-b

Post 100

Thank you, thank you, every one. Well, I hit 100 posted blogs with this post, maybe when I hit 1000 I'll make another notice like this.

As you can see, the last post was written when I did not have internet, so it contains no links and was posted today (I had the Wikipedia pages cached... yes I am that big of a nerd). And it was written unfairly and in a huff, I had a great time this weekend and chose to focus on the negative for that post. Kind of a therapeutic release of frustration through writing. But I really did have a good time, power outage, snow, company, wine and all.

Well, it seems to still be that time of year. I got word today that my grandfather may be on his death bed. Despite having the circulatory system of a 40 year old, my 86 year old grandfather was diagnosed with leukemia and has been on chemo for the past four months. Everything was going great (if you know anything about chemo, then it was going well by those standards, as if you know the effects of chemo on the body you may question how such a thing could go great) until yesterday when something changed. Recently he has been slightly more sick than normal, and yesterday found that he could not get out of bed. This coupled with his recent development of slurred speech and several other tell-tale signs would suggest that he has had a stroke. He does seem to be recovering, but being old, possibly sick, on chemo and having maybe just had a stroke greatly hurts his chances. But he is still eating, is still cognizant and does still talk. My grandfather is a good man, he went through WWII and has never spoken of it. There he was on a "clean up crew" (yes it is in quotes, think about it) for the army as he had an extremely high IQ. He spent much of his life afterward working in the pentagon and loved it. He used to always grab us grand kids and tickle us and state that he thought he heard our fan belt slipping and that we should go into the auto shop and have it repaired. That was his joke, if anything was ever wrong, he would ask how the fan belt was doing and recommend we have it checked. Ha, he is also as bald as a cue ball and always blamed this on the helmets the army gave him (although the rest of his unit never lost their hair). By the age of 25 he had lost all of his hair, which is coincidentally where I get my folliclely challenged head from. I know that many who read this may not consider themselves believers in any religion, but if you are or are not, please pray for him and my family.

Thanks guys, happy 100.

Nice Guys

Nice guys finish last. This phrase has always been true, and I believe that it always will be. I even explained it to someone, just as it was being proven true to me. The weekend was good, I spent some time with some good friends down south. While there it snowed so I ended up staying an extra day. Then I was presented with a choice. My options were: A. be a nice guy, help out, and in the end don't get the girl, and B. be the indifferent guy, let the situation worsen, and in the end get the girl (yes the choices were that simple and direct, I cannot express to you just how very exactly those were the two choices at hand and how the resulting factors were precisely as stated). So... long story short, I stayed up telling tales and being the entertainer to cheer up a friend of a friend. I made myself play the fool (and have given up my respect and I'm sure my dignity in the eyes of the beholders) to once again be the nice guy. Sad thing is, I did it for the girl, but by being the nice guy, automatically disqualified myself from winning her in the end. I put on the show to help her, to show a side of myself that does not come easy, to help her, all the while knowing that it would end with me not getting her. But I did it anyways. How stupid is that right. I did a nice thing for a person, knowing full well that by performing said nice act it would disqualify myself later from winning at the game I always so utterly always fail at. So now here I sit, still am sitting still am sitting, on a hard bed next to a air conditioning unit, writing a blog. See, there really was no chance of me sleeping tonight, I don't adapt to new beds well, nor sounds at all. So I pose to you the age old question, am I an idiot for performing the actions I chose while full well knowing they would damn me in the end? Am I a fool for expending extra effort to help others for little more than a shrug and a pat on the back. Yes I am complaining about being a nice guy, remember I am a jerk and am self entitled to do so. I am complaining because the nice guy never wins. I even explained this to the girl who thanked me for helping, knowing full well what I had done. I explained that I knew by doing so, it would make things better for her and her friend (who was having a bad day), and worse for me because then she would leave and not come back. I hoped that perhaps pity would take hold and she would see that I was right and not let the nice guy finish last. But that would form a paradox. See, if she did reward the nice guy for being nice, then he would not finish last and I would have no complaining writing to do right now. But since I did my deed, condemned myself, and sit here now alone, it has proven itself right. It was so simple, all I had to do was nothing, not help, but nooooo. Rather I had to lend a hand, and sacrifice my comfort and even change my personality, go out of my way, be the entertainer and the entertainment, to explain to the girl that I would lose her by these actions and I knew this full well, to then lose, just as predicted. I had hoped that in explaining my situation that would change things, that perhaps it would sway her mind and move her soul to realizing how miserable hanging out by myself is and was and still is. But of course, I had to be the nice guy. It just really tans my hide. Why would I choose to lose. It's not like I lost to a game of random chance, or accidentally messed up. I did everything right for the sake of doing things right and lost, knowing that choosing the right would end in failure for me this time just as the trend has always proven true. So why continue to set myself up for failure... well maybe I should return to my pity excuse, that some day a girl will pity me enough to let me be a nice guy and even then not punish me for that dastardly deed. But if pity is all that moves a girl to care about me, then why the hell do I keep trying? Then methinks, maybe its just that I pick the wrong women to be nice to... But that is a slippery spiral of doom to ponder, as somehow I always fail, and I have been significantly broadening my scopes over the past few years. So what is it then, certainly I do not enjoy failure, sitting alone in a corner, or standing by myself off to the side. Why would I seek to lose? Is it for the sheer pleasure of being able to say that I am different from other Neanderthals (men) in that I choose failure where as others simply achieve it by accident? As much as I do love to scoff at society and her so-called rules, I really don't even believe that I am that self loathing and masochistic. Problem is, I'm not gay, so I have to either keep trying or give up entirely (granted this is like the third time I have failed at giving up... so what do you call a person who fails at failing? A winner?). I didn't even believe that I was going to fail today either. I honestly thought that by explaining myself I would have a chance... granted I only placed the probability of the desired results of both being a nice guy and not loosing at 50%, but those are some damn hopeful odds for a possibility that is only one of the four possible outcomes (its like a Mendel square, see there is be nice and win, be nice and lose, be mean and win and be mean and lose). But for my efforts I have won the time to write a complaint about the most "noble" and "honorable" of choices and outcomes. And frankly, life can suck it.

... and now to spend the rest of my evening in a huff scouring Wikipedia for info about swords and magic rings... and watching the snow fall... alone... (...cry...)

... maybe she will come back after having changed her mind... probably not... Nope... C'est la vie...