Nice Guys

Nice guys finish last. This phrase has always been true, and I believe that it always will be. I even explained it to someone, just as it was being proven true to me. The weekend was good, I spent some time with some good friends down south. While there it snowed so I ended up staying an extra day. Then I was presented with a choice. My options were: A. be a nice guy, help out, and in the end don't get the girl, and B. be the indifferent guy, let the situation worsen, and in the end get the girl (yes the choices were that simple and direct, I cannot express to you just how very exactly those were the two choices at hand and how the resulting factors were precisely as stated). So... long story short, I stayed up telling tales and being the entertainer to cheer up a friend of a friend. I made myself play the fool (and have given up my respect and I'm sure my dignity in the eyes of the beholders) to once again be the nice guy. Sad thing is, I did it for the girl, but by being the nice guy, automatically disqualified myself from winning her in the end. I put on the show to help her, to show a side of myself that does not come easy, to help her, all the while knowing that it would end with me not getting her. But I did it anyways. How stupid is that right. I did a nice thing for a person, knowing full well that by performing said nice act it would disqualify myself later from winning at the game I always so utterly always fail at. So now here I sit, still am sitting still am sitting, on a hard bed next to a air conditioning unit, writing a blog. See, there really was no chance of me sleeping tonight, I don't adapt to new beds well, nor sounds at all. So I pose to you the age old question, am I an idiot for performing the actions I chose while full well knowing they would damn me in the end? Am I a fool for expending extra effort to help others for little more than a shrug and a pat on the back. Yes I am complaining about being a nice guy, remember I am a jerk and am self entitled to do so. I am complaining because the nice guy never wins. I even explained this to the girl who thanked me for helping, knowing full well what I had done. I explained that I knew by doing so, it would make things better for her and her friend (who was having a bad day), and worse for me because then she would leave and not come back. I hoped that perhaps pity would take hold and she would see that I was right and not let the nice guy finish last. But that would form a paradox. See, if she did reward the nice guy for being nice, then he would not finish last and I would have no complaining writing to do right now. But since I did my deed, condemned myself, and sit here now alone, it has proven itself right. It was so simple, all I had to do was nothing, not help, but nooooo. Rather I had to lend a hand, and sacrifice my comfort and even change my personality, go out of my way, be the entertainer and the entertainment, to explain to the girl that I would lose her by these actions and I knew this full well, to then lose, just as predicted. I had hoped that in explaining my situation that would change things, that perhaps it would sway her mind and move her soul to realizing how miserable hanging out by myself is and was and still is. But of course, I had to be the nice guy. It just really tans my hide. Why would I choose to lose. It's not like I lost to a game of random chance, or accidentally messed up. I did everything right for the sake of doing things right and lost, knowing that choosing the right would end in failure for me this time just as the trend has always proven true. So why continue to set myself up for failure... well maybe I should return to my pity excuse, that some day a girl will pity me enough to let me be a nice guy and even then not punish me for that dastardly deed. But if pity is all that moves a girl to care about me, then why the hell do I keep trying? Then methinks, maybe its just that I pick the wrong women to be nice to... But that is a slippery spiral of doom to ponder, as somehow I always fail, and I have been significantly broadening my scopes over the past few years. So what is it then, certainly I do not enjoy failure, sitting alone in a corner, or standing by myself off to the side. Why would I seek to lose? Is it for the sheer pleasure of being able to say that I am different from other Neanderthals (men) in that I choose failure where as others simply achieve it by accident? As much as I do love to scoff at society and her so-called rules, I really don't even believe that I am that self loathing and masochistic. Problem is, I'm not gay, so I have to either keep trying or give up entirely (granted this is like the third time I have failed at giving up... so what do you call a person who fails at failing? A winner?). I didn't even believe that I was going to fail today either. I honestly thought that by explaining myself I would have a chance... granted I only placed the probability of the desired results of both being a nice guy and not loosing at 50%, but those are some damn hopeful odds for a possibility that is only one of the four possible outcomes (its like a Mendel square, see there is be nice and win, be nice and lose, be mean and win and be mean and lose). But for my efforts I have won the time to write a complaint about the most "noble" and "honorable" of choices and outcomes. And frankly, life can suck it.

... and now to spend the rest of my evening in a huff scouring Wikipedia for info about swords and magic rings... and watching the snow fall... alone... (...cry...)

... maybe she will come back after having changed her mind... probably not... Nope... C'est la vie...