The Error of My Ways

I can't explain why it makes sense this time. I have been told the same many times before. This blog needs to change or be shut down. It has gone from a sort of journal to a narcissistic egocentric pessimistic rant of desperation. And somehow I had myself believing that it was healthy, but then, was it? What good is it to complain behind the backs of others, and who would want to read that? The answers are obvious and somehow I've missed them. I will not go back and edit out what I have done, but it is a mark of shame to me now that it is finally seen by my eyes. I promise you that I shall try to improve what I write, and if I cannot, I will stop. As for the moment, I will take a break. A long break while I decide if I can write here again and not fall into the same cycle.

If any still read this, I thank you but I also personally apologize. You have been handed some of my heaviest personal daily baggage, it is ugly and it stinks and that is not right of me.

Until we meet again.

Musical?

The other day I had a dream. Over the course of the dream the entire speaking part was comprised of a set of rhyming couplets that complemented each other to create larger sections of musicality and rhythm. The dream started with me in England for some reason. Later in the dream I found myself sleeping in a graveyard waiting for someone. I ended up staying there so long that the seasons passed and I grew a long beard, but then people came and took me away with news about something.

Now I know this is quite vague, I can't remember any of the lines myself (but they all did rhyme and comprise parts of a greater musical whole based on my location) but it was great. Craziest dream I've ever had.

After Party

Would you tell me the truth
if it would hurt what we are
do you respect me enough
to not lie to my face
will you give me a straight answer
when i ask a straight question

Well, today is the day after the wedding. The wedding was the best I have ever been at. My blind date went well, she enjoyed the party and taught me how to swing dance a bit. I also got to dance with all of the brides maids and the bride. I did a ridiculous amount of drinking (in order: 1 tall beer, 1 double shot of rum, 2 glasses of wine, 3 long island ice teas, 5 more glasses of wine) but stayed coherent through the night. The wedding was good because almost everyone there was having a good time. I've been to a lot of weddings and normally either due to stress or other factors or pressures people do not in fact have a good time. But when the bride and groom and their families and friends are all having fun, the other guests do too. Everyone was where they needed to be mostly on time, everyone did what they needed to do, and logistically it all worked smoothly. The only catch was two people who were not having fun. Namely the best man, and his ex who I was escorting. He spent most of the evening moping outside, and she spent most of the evening not having fun because she said he would beat people up if they danced with her. Well, she may have been right, I posted a joke on her wall about how since she was the only single bridesmaid I was required to hit on her, and I got a very offended and angry response from him. It's sad, those two I think could have made it, but due to some personality incompatibilities they broke up several months ago.

Well, now the bad pictures of me will start rolling in and I'll get in trouble for things I've said. Next on my list is to spend some time with my first date who bailed on me. While I do that I plan to mope about my one year pre-arranged backup who bailed on me.

The wedding did inspire a new wine name though: Silver Bitch (a mispronunciation of the wine "Silver Birch") I think this would make a fantastic expensive wine name.

... respect is a thing that is earned, not a thing that is deserved...

The Perfect Funeral

Well, today was my birthday. Although, it felt more like a funeral. The day went nicely, it was quiet and simple. Mom made me a meal, I had a shot with a friend, and a hand full of people I haven't spoken to in years sent me wishes on my facebook wall. But all in all today felt like a funeral, many people I was around were having bad days. No celebration was planned by any of my friends, and I got one present, my grandmother sent me a card. My friends did go out to dinner with me though, five of them made the time. One of which spent the whole time hitting on another who is taken, and she spent the whole time flirting in a not-so-harmless way with him, and another of which ignored me most of the time. For the most part everyone was content to carry on their own conversations and ignore my input. The one friend who was hitting on the other picked up her meal, I covered myself, and only one friend even noticed that. Later though two of those five did spend some time with me and that was nice as unlike the time at dinner, I was not being insulted for my choice of meal, choice of other friends, and general path in life. I just don't know what to think or feel. I mean, I know that lots of people had bad days, like my parents, and I know that many people are stressed about the up coming wedding. It did mean a lot that people posted on my wall, and that my grandmother sent me a card and that my mother made me dinner, that two friends did not ignore me at dinner, and that one friend had a drink with me, but I feel neglected by everyone I plan parties for, buy presents for, and go out of my way to make smile. I don't know. I'm not trying to complain about any of this, I do go out of my way to remove my birthday so that only people who send me wishes because they want to, and not because they see a notification and feel like they should. I don't plan parties for myself or ask for things. And the stupid irony is, I wish people would do the things I do for them for me. Oh well, that's just stupid me, wishing people would do something without being asked to. It's a shame, today would be a fabulous day to end it. What more is there to life for me? Well, I got my tux for the wedding today, so I need to hang around until Saturday at the earliest... Depression sucks, especially when taken with the cold chaser of reality.

The Painter

To accurately represent the world, one must learn to paint in all of the colors, not just the ones that people like to see. To have all of the colors needed you must have lived all of the various ways to truly know their merits and pitfalls. Only after you have felt the pains of having saved a life, and having taken life away, only then when you have walked the path in both directions, will you know enough of the world to know how to portray it as it is. The world without bias, the world in true color.

Unus alius

Yo, well another long year has passed and in one day I will have gained what no man can take away... Age. I found this and think you guys should go through yours, see what you can find. Well, time to get back to work... I still need to figure out a good ending to my book.

unus alius annus perfectus est

Lying as a Way of Life

I just watched "The Invention of Lying" and despite my mediocre expectations, and a grand amalgamation of comedy actors, I may have had a revelation from it. My old way of telling the truth to people, being an open book and a welcome mat and a stepping stone, and my truthful responses to "How are you" just to watch people not care that every day is a struggle, Or realizing that they won't care if I do tell them that, and just omitting the hardships. All of that may be worth an experiment.

Perception is Reality

Why not? I have always prided myself on my ability to manipulate, and I have always held myself back from it. But why not start running full force into it. And learn to lie while I'm at it. Now I'm not talking about any serious fraud or perjury but rather an attempt to improve my own life's quality. Worth some testing I'd say...

What if a smart, funny, kind, bald man could be more than a lonely, simple, poor fool?

What if... the looser could rise above?..

Landslide

Ah, back from the bachelor party. Kinda disappointed though, we all went camping... yup that was it. No strippers, no outrageous feats of strength, no obscene over-drinking, no gauntlets of manliness to run, no toasts and no roasts, just camping. It was, however, a good time to reflect on life... er, that is trying to get to sleep on the cold hard ground. It's about time for me to move on... to what I don't know, and I do know I've brought this up before.

I just want somebody to love. But see, it's not that simple, hopefully that person will love me back. Things at home are getting more and more rough. Aside from the ever constant "what did you get a degree for again?" that happens, I have the "You need to blah blah blah" more recently this has culminated in the need to buy/repair many of the things on my car, most predominantly of the bunch being new wheels. Now, over the weekend my parents bought high quality, long lasting expensive wheels for my sister's car. Yeah, the one that cost like 6x as much as mine, is 12 years newer, and she didn't pay for. Whereas my car, that I paid for and is 3/4 my age needs new stuff that I have to buy. Also two new laptops and a full ride to a private college. Not that I have brought this up, but seriously guys, I can feel the cold shoulder but look at the economy and my degree. I know I chose this life and it hasn't quite worked out yet but could'ya please not go out of your way to show me you don't like me any more. I mean, the constant nagging and bickering is a nice reminder of that, and the occasional interrogations and yelling for things I was never told to do in the first place but seriously.

So I believe it all comes down to somebody to love... or as I said before, some one who will actually love me back unconditionally, with a high paying job or not, just because I am me... no other reason. I think that would be a bright and encouraging life, to know that someone would care. But dare I ask more, what about a person who would go out of their own way for me... That's obviously too much as for the past week I've been sending an open invite to join me at a wedding. Now, both of my pre-arranged people bailed on me, and a third tried but could not change their work schedule. The first two I cast shame on, the third I thank for the effort but is that all? After all of the times in all of the ways that I have gone out of my way and set aside time to do things for people, and no one will come join me at a catered dinner? What the hell do I associate with you people for? Why do I do things for you if you don't care about me enough to return the favor. I didn't originally help you expecting anything in return, but doesn't that mean something to you that I did help you? I'm frustrated, people suck, even the good ones let you down. But of all the people I know, and I know many, and many of which I have personally helped, and I have helped many, only one dared respond to my cries of help. One. Shame.

A Bit Behind

Ok, so It's been a while. Much has happened which can be condensed into me saying that not much has happened. Some stuff has happened which I will explicit not write about. I had a nice personal vacation last weekend cabin-ing. I've done some subbing here and there which is where I am right now. I had both my primary and my secondary people drop me for the upcoming wedding (quite disappointing), and am now keeping my fingers crossed for the late addition. Right now I'm in a classroom eating Chick-fil-a (given to all the teachers today) just letting the time pass. I've already had the pleasure of torturing two classes and have more coming in a bit. After this, I go down town to run sound, to then around 10 pm finally head out to the bachelor party. We're going camping, boring for a bachelor party I know, but it should be a good time (if we don't all freeze). My hope is to find the campsite, though I'll be arriving around 12 am... so... hopefully the unmarked forest road will be easy enough to find...

On the bright side I got to take care of a sick friend who was so sick that they probably wont remember falling asleep on me twice and then later having me help dress them... never mind, that's not such a positive (I'm selfish enough to want recognition for my selfless acts. hahaha).

80 million hobbies

I was told today that I have, as the title suggests, 80 million hobbies. Now I'm not exactly sure if this is a positive or negative trait, but it doesn't sound too bad. I will admit to having a varied set of interests which seem to encompass but are not limited to A: everything and B: anything else. For instance I started cataloging languages I know something about the other day. Check it, in total I know pieces of something like eight different languages. I wish that I knew more as I can only truly read and write in two and struggle with the other six at best, but know enough to get by with the basics of communication. It is always important to be able to say hello, ask how a person is doing, ask where the bathroom is, and know about the culture enough to know what is customary.

But, I need to realize that I am good enough. I don't need to try to be impressive with my wealth of knowledge, my many talents, or my not-rich status. I just don't know how to go about proving to people that I am worth their time. I guess the base question is "why?" Why in the first place do I feel a need to prove myself? I generally find that my natural gifts easily lead to me telling impressive tales, and it does not help that I studied story telling and can innovate on the impressiveness in the spirit of story telling. So to be kind I keep my mouth shut, help out where ever and when ever I can, and am generally courteous. This, however, generally leads to being taken advantage of and blown off, generally classified as not-interesting.

Well whatever, their loss right. The book is coming along, I am really proud of it. Like, proud enough to think it could actually do well. On top of that some friends have helped me to come to a grand realization. If editors or publishers want me to make major structural changes I can argue against this, as, I am, randomly, a specialist on the topic in which I am writing. I am not just Joe the guy who wants to write a kid's fantasy book. Rather I'm the rambling guy who studied storytelling, folklore, culture, fairy-tales, creative writing and even kid's books (whatda ya know). Who would have thought that such a random set of skills would actually qualify me for something, and that something is writing.

Well, in a few hours I get back to a friend's wedding. All joy and hope to them for the future, as I'm not sure who is more blessed by this union. What I do know, is that I am never doing another wedding for free again. But besides that, if everything goes well with the two systems... omitted... and many other problems, let's hope things go well. Although, I'm sure they will as I am the best and know what I am doing. Congrats guys!

Kids:

At the wedding rehearsal I spent a good deal of time watching two kids run around (partially as there was little to do and they were having fun and partially to make sure they did not hurt themselves or mess up my sound system). I later got to talk to a friend about kids some. Her feeling was that they are cute... when you can give them back. This is too true, but even such I fear that I am growing more and more to accept the idea of kids. You know, kids, the bane of social life if there ever was one (acne is only a deterrent, not a bane). And if anything I have ever known was re-enforced today by kids it's that girls are not evil, as some of them are in fact nice... not to me, per say, but to cute little kids... hmmmm if I put my brain into a little kid's body,.... Just think of what I could get away with.... Hmmmmmmm

Still Alive

Well, sorry to disappoint, but not only am I still here, I'm still writing. Jeez I wonder if anyone still reads this... No matter. I have continued work on the book, finished outlining the last few bits and now only have some small plot and thematic things to figure out. I'm currently writing draft 4 and hope to fix most of the bugs by draft 5, then it should be about ready to send around for editing. I figure I can rope some friends and colleagues... i.e. the departments at my former college (whom I became intimately familiar with during all my long hours spent there... lots of studying, and no that's not a joke) and friends.

I spent the-end-of-the-world-day drinking alone, schnapps is just good like that. And what better to do when drinking alone than to write never-ending drafts. Somehow fitting for the last day of life for me I think. But for whatever reason I'm still here so I apologize for that ever so sincerely and then kindly ask you to buy 30 copies of my book each when its done. :)

Shadow and LEET

Much has happened that I cannot discuss. Partially for national security reasons (I know what they did) and partially for personal security reasons (they know what I did). I had the privileged of shadowing my Dad today and watching several inter-business deals go down. It was kinda fun actually. The day before yesterday my car got towed, so I and a friend spent several hours working on getting it back. Let it be a lesson to you, if you are kind, it can even occasionally melt hearts of ice and you can see glimpses of humanity shine through. That and it helps to have good friends in high places. Gotta say, though it's always been true, I love my friends at B's G. All of them.

1337 is the number of un-read emails in my inbox right now, yes, I'm that cool!

Oh, and until I post-edit some entries and back-date the past that never was, this is my 200th post. Happy 200!

Just as a side note, the world ends monday, so I'ma throw a party, all are invited! I'll catch you guys on tues for my next post, so sit tight!

Changeling

Only now, after a quarter of a century can I admit my true heritage... I am a changeling. I have never been baptized and thus have always been vulnerable to such malicious spirits. When I was born, I had golden hair, that now, though there is little left, is brown. My eyes are generally "green" but change color from near silver to black based on my surroundings, my cloths, and my mood. And whilst I was young I came down with Scarlet Fever. Later in my life I was diagnosed with only what doctors could call a viral infection of the lymph nodes. I have never been particularly good at anything for few things hold my interest long enough for me to find perfection in their art; yet I am naturally talented in everything. All of these signs point towards one clear explanation. I am not the child I was born to be. That child was stolen by elves or fairies, I'm not yet sure which, and was replaced with me. One perk to this is that I can claim my elven heritage and seek out the kingdom, if any yet live, to fight for my birthright as royalty.

Yes, it is late, and I'm still working on the book, steeped waste deep in medieval folklore. You should try it sometime, the welsh isn't so bad after you dive in.

+5 xp

I have declared today as a day of writing for me... So I figured I'd start with my neglected blog.

119289

This is the last mile my car may ever know... not that my car is broken, smashed or un-drivable, but the odometer has died and the number is permanently stuck at 119289. Sad yes, but not the end of the world, I plan to drive it until there is nothing left to drive, then when I have millions of dollars, I'll buy something classy.

Millions of Dollars

So I have finally decided what I want to do with my life... make millions of dollars (shocker huh). But not just any old way, I have finally decided to finish my book and become a writer. I feel it fits my personality of loving to stay up late, sleep in later, and generally do nothing but lounge around looking for cultural experiences. See, I figure if I experience life and society as leisure, where as most people have no time for such things, I can use this to improve my writing. Also I really like the idea of no cubicle and no boss... But the first book is outlined and half done, my plan is to get more done today, say maybe 50% of what remains... ambitious I know, but its a kids book and plenty of boring and uneducated people write, so I might have a shot falling into both of those categories.

In the news

Lots of news has been swirling about concerning the VMA fiasco with Taylor Swift and Kanye West. Now I agree with the world's reaction, but I wanted to express something slightly different. Taylor, I think you did a great job and if you ever need a husband who is fine with your super-hotness, your lots of money, and your success, I am the man for you. Just think, I could help console you in times like these and, you know, punch a guy in the face or some such. Think about it, and give me a call when you're ready to move our relationship to the next level ;).

Count Dave

So I have come up with this ingenious plan. When I buy a house I shall name said house. It's name will be "The county of such-and-such" (note: such-and-such will be replaced by something classy sounding). This way, being the owner of a county, I automatically gain the title of Count. I really wasn't feeling duke or baron, and king really wouldn't fly well here in America. But count... yeah I think its a good idea.

+5xp at last

The past week I orchestrated a grand social manipulation... er... coalition. I have dug deep and found my old self and I like it. Problem solving between multiple people, movable goods, and money has in the past been something I'm good at as I collect favors wherever I go. This time though I helped to arrange an exchange between a couch and two groups. Group one wanted to be rid of a couch, and group two wanted a couch. Not a hard exchange, but for some price haggling and the forming of social bonds. Now these groups are important as the exchange helped build a bridge of trust and social connection between the group I live with as brothers, and the group I have always been apart from of female friends. The hope is that this event will foster future dealings and trust between the two and myself. Yes I'm crazy, and I have decided to live in my own world of crazy, so there is no hope in convincing me otherwise! This is how the world works because I have decided it will work this way!

Will-o-the Wisp

It's been a while, I know. I seem to be on Alaskan solar time here, which the rest of the world does not for whatever reason align with. Much has happened but not much of great interest. I have decided to go the day without phone contact to make it feel more like a holiday. The weekend was spent well playing games. And now a friend is in a rough place by unexpected means, the ghosts of the past rarely bring good omens, and their shadows stretch long across our lighted days. I am still running, still chasing, ever and ever, but the light that I follow may be but my old friend Will. I have once again begun writing, and it comes well, but much will be needed to finish the book.

Tomorrow begins the school year, and too, my second semester of substitute teaching. I hope to have work and good kids like the last one, but will sorely miss my friends now gone. So here is to the future, for us all, may it burn bright and colorful!

Addendum:

My blood-pressure has been above normal again recently. I'll plan to rest more and stay up less and blah blah blah. I can tell because my cauterized nose will burst into a bloody mess when it gets too high. But enough of me (for the moment), time to reflect on you. What is that one thing that is just out of your reach, but has always been? I wrote this post with the name in mind (as always) because it is worth reflecting on. Knowing one's self is important, even more so to know your weaknesses than to know your strengths. For by knowing your weaknesses you may guard against catastrophic personally generated failure and oversight. Will-o-the Wisp was a thing that would often lure people off of paths, consequently getting them lost, injured or killed. Sometimes they lead to treasure and good things, but much like leprechauns, they were rarely caught. As I have been failing for years, I know one of my greatest delusions of reality is the romantic relationship. I must know this and be weary as to not let it ruin me, a thing that always seems within reach, but can never truly be grasped, such things will destroy. They will destroy because they are so deceptively conquerable and within reach, but like a mirage, will mislead our senses into believing we are doing well, when in fact we are in deep trouble...

Boring

I had to say, I have some good friends. I spent some time and examined my life today and found that it's quite boring. So boring, so terribly boring. Boring enough to be boring to talk about. But, lucky you, here it is. I found that my weekly schedule is almost the same to within a five minute variance from week to week. Also the people I meet and talk with are a select and controlled group that only allows for less than 10 new people a week, and the same group of 12ish otherwise. I know I complained once college ended, but seriously this is just sad. Luckily, sometimes people surprise you, and as I said before, I have great friends. I posted something about my boringness and had three people respond who I have not heard from in months and in some cases years. It means a lot to know such people who after in some cases years of neglect of contact still care.

Also I got to sit next to a girl, ok so she is a friend but it was nice to chat for a bit as she spent the time she should have been working to stop by. It meant a lot and made me smile most of the day. Here, and I had thought I had lost her.

On to the medievalist in me, I found this by complete accident while researching other various medieval manuscripts. It's fascinating really, and I find it so ironic how I love language... and yet loath it so much at the same time...

Crossed

Well, keep your fingers crossed if you care to, or if you do not believe in silly superstitions then don't. I may have finally found a job. This makes me happy but its not over yet, there is still the matter of getting it, doing well at it, and then beating the game called life.

I find technology ironic, I sit here on the internet, interfacing with both a global and a local and a virtual network all at the same time, and I don't have running water in my house at the moment. Whatever.

I came across a true piece of logical thought on the internet the other day which amazed me. I found on a forum and well, see for yourself:

post1:
"ITT: Ask one of America's biggest celebrities anything.
Except who I am."

post2:
"OP is more then likely a troll.

Either way, should have known better then to make an exception on "ask me anything"

That exception is your rule, that rule is made to be broken, and the only questions you are going to get are about that one rule."

Now I am proud of my fellow man for this. It is clear, simple, rational and logical. And it was found on the internet, whoda' thought.

I know it's been a while. I've been sleeping, working, running from my self, going in circles, you know the norm.

The Good Ship Argo

My fair readers, I greet you kindly.

Somehow I know not what to write today. There was so much I wanted to tell you, but I am stuttering as my fingers are still, unable to form the things I wished to say. I feel like an adventure should be at hand soon. I wish to go somewhere, a place with history. A place to loose myself in the moment. See, I come to realize that I am rather boring. I have the same routine, which runs like clockwork. I see the same people in the same places. It is all very comfortable... too comfortable. I do give thanks for my mother in these times, who does what she can to think of me in the little ways like getting the soda only I like, or bringing me home leftovers. She is a kind woman. Speaking of women I almost wrote about them recently, not in a negative or positive light but rather in a historical mythologic retrospective sort of way. The role of women and the ideas of femininity in myths is, dare I say, even more interesting than the portrayal of masculinity. This does in fact relate to my life in one way or another. See first, in conjunction with women and realizing that I am boring, I fear that the wonderful young lady I have spoken of for the past few months, bless her soul, will never actually care about me or even make time for me. Granted this was exactly what I asked, that she not go out of her way to make time for me. And so with a smile and a laugh I say that it is my loss, to have gained exactly what I asked for, but not what I wanted. But she is a good person, and not even slightly sarcastically do I say that I hold no ill will towards her and will be glad to simply continue to be a friend. Also related, while in the car ride back from the park with my brother the other day, I read the original story of Beauty and the Beast. Now I'm not talking Cupid and Psyche, as I have read and translated that before, but I am speaking of the french version by Mme Jeanne-Marie Le Prince de Beaumont (ok so this was the second original version, whatever). I have always loved this story, and reading one of the earliest french versions is both moving and comical. But let me be the first to say that like my Russian, my French is not good, that and the story was only a few full pages long. I sympathize with this story. I am ugly and stupid, and I wish a kind virtuous beauty would help me to become more than that which I am...


Lord, thank you for the rain.

Burnt

Yeah, so I'm not yet done with the post on the qualities of the dead. Yesterday I went to an amusement park with my family. Man, an hour in the car with my brother is painful, he never stops talking. Sadly I got burned... real bad... my head is oozing right now. But luckily it's so bad that I don't really have skin anymore and it does not hurt a whole lot. I guess it's time to give in and finally use sun screen on my poor bald head. I must finally admit defeat to the baldness. *Sigh*

The Exile

What kind of life is that of the exiled self? Where the past hurts deep and the present burns relentlessly. Where the self is lost because to find it is to once again know the bitter taste of weeping and gnashing of teeth. Where the choice of exile and death, the choice to live in the baron wastes is more comforting than that of living with others and sharing with them. The longing and emptiness is greater than the breadth of the ocean, and just as daunting to cross. This is how far I run, and where I hide. I have seen too much of love, and from that I know the emptiness that is to be without love. I have learned too much of hate and of lies and of neglect to let me convince myself that I could once again find love in another. When for years the only true word is no. The sad thing is, respect is kept for those who say that word and mean it, rater than those who do not say that word, but whose deceptions prove its truth. I did not sleep this night, I am haunted and alone. To be alone is a dry place, but to be without hope is like having a great thirst while in a dry place. Somehow death sounds like comfort, as there is no rest in rest. There is no one to share my burden, but then again that is not my wish. Why must I go on? Why can't I quit? Is it not cruel to prologue the suffering of a lame animal. One with no hope of a greater existence than this. Or can I learn from the heart of joy of another again. One who will not feed me the empty calories of lies to satisfy my body's needs. Catch 22... I am alone because I cannot escape, I cannot escape because I am alone.

Music and ... Music

I'm working on a piece concerning the traits of the dead (drastically different from, yet related to the characteristics of the undead). Once I finish that piece it will go up. I've been thinking more musically lately. Several songs have come and gone. And somehow as time goes by I connect songs to people, places and events (and video games). Normally this happens because a song is either popular or drastically overplayed at the same time that I am working through a video game. For example, every time I hear "Away From the Sun" I think of KotOR. Or whenever I hear anything by Matchbox 20 I think Diablo 2. When I am depressed I get into a Gordon Lightfoot kinda mood. When I'm angry I feel more like Coheed and Cambria. When I think of the past I feel the acoustics come upon me. When my bad-ass-e-ness reaches its peak and I rule the world this is my theme song. Related is the song I hear when I know I must do something alone. When I have failed romantically Del Amitri sings my mood. In my mind Iver sings the theme of my dream girl (truth be told I love the piano best). Most days I Shimmer as time goes by. When life is simple and good, I hear Frank softly in the background.

All in all, symbolism, although unrelated to emotions, more properly evokes and connects with them in my mind. Right now I'm just waiting, that is the phase of my life at the present.

I shall not explain myself apart from how I have expressed the connections at hand. Listen, feel, read, and know.

Dis-gust

How do I express my disgust with life? Time for some whining... I just don't understand it. How can such evil be allowed to happen in life? Life is in essence not fair, and that is an accepted fact, but why is it so? Nothing is even and disappointment reigns supreme. I want until I have, then I am dissatisfied. I eat because I hunger, then I eat more because I desire. I am, not because I chose to be, but was forced to become. It's a fascinating conundrum. If you are the religious sort, I apologize for my offense, but continue with it none the less. How is it that we are made to be who we are, with our individual qualities and faults, even our reactions to stimuli a foregone conclusion, then we are placed in an environment where we are subjected to trials, the results of which are known before the tests occur, then we are judged for them. The deck is not just stacked against us, it is stacked in such a way as to not let us win. There is no fair, and no fair chance, these are lies. I don't know where they came from but even in religion they are lies. The only solution to the unfairness of the weighted game is more unfairness. Divine providence and choice to elect some and not others. More unfairness, and this based on what sounds like free choice on the part of something we can't understand. I ache and my soul groans and burns with pain and anger at the evils that occur around me. And I have become numb to many which is sickening. I am angry, I am frustrated, with myself and life, with what is and what is not. Mainly I'm pissed at what has been allowed to transpire and today I have no patience for my fools blanket of safety which says "somehow this is the best of all possible worlds." Today there is no silver lining, today I believe things could be better than they are and I am pissed about that.

Oh, yesterday I learned that I got totally lied to and ripped off a couple years ago, in such a way as to set me up for more failure and embarrassment. It was great, nothing like the moment of epiphany that tells you that you are in fact an idiot.




On an encouraging note, I quote a friend:

"Smile for no reason, Laugh just because, Dance in the random, Love always, think positive in the moment; you will be happy in the now and forever will always be the next breath! "Make today, Now, this second, this moment......... Yours" Get at em~"

F.I.N.E.

The past few days have gone well. I was fortunate enough to spend one of them with friends climbing. On my first attempt I scaled the beginner wall, and on my second topped the full length version. Not bad, not too hard either except for that whole fingers not working any more thing. Otherwise not much has happened. I've sortta fallen into this rut of not much going on, and not for lack of trying otherwise. I have no real romantic prospects to speak of (the one I've been working towards feels like I'm getting nowhere fast), I have no real job to speak of, I have no real motivation left. Life is not bad, its like a vacation... in an empty gray void... alone... forever. Which is in fact quite peaceful, albeit lonely and boring.

One thing I have done that breaks the deja-vu is repair and re-make the gladius. Today I dropped it off at the office of my college Latin professor. Somehow, its as if my creations do not naturally belong to me, as I must give them away. And sadly when they return I am greatly insulted. A gift of time, sweat, and tedious labor should not be lightly shunned and sent back. Hopefully, in the hands of a master the blade will rest well this time.

There are no houses in Tuscany

Ah life. Got wind of an open teaching job and went in the next day to apply. The job itself was for a literature teacher, and thus right up my alley. I had heard that the place was desperate and willing to take anyone qualified. Funny thing is it appears that I am becoming more and more qualified for teaching (yeah so I should have realized that subbing would do that). Well, after waiting for an hour and a half the first words I was told concerning the job were "That position has been filled." Great. A good waste of a morning getting up early, dressing up, driving there, waiting over an hour to talk to someone, then being told that it was a waste of time. Oh well, I can now just hope that if I was to have gotten the job that I would have hated it for whatever reason and this is a good thing. And at the least I can take it as a positive extension of my exceedingly long unpaid summer break.

Something to write home about

Well okay, so I have nothing, but I needed a title. And did you like the last post. Such beauty, such simplicity, such artistic license. But on the bright side, there is always hope. As you should know well, I have the slight propensity to over analyze everything and then draw extreme conclusions based on arbitrary statistics and probabilities which become more and more far fetched. But luckily I have a few friends who help remind me of this and keep me from abandoning ship when it looks like it could storm. If I jumped out now, I would miss the whole of the journey.

Last night I had a strange dream. I dreamed that I had decided to go to grad school, at UVA. Odd though because I was on the W&M campus... And just about everyone I knew from my undergrad work was there... most of them married (as they now are). I had gotten lost, and was in my underwear, but I proudly walked the campus in my white and pink striped boxers because I could pull it off and look good. I never did find my class though...

Another day, another burned bridge

I don't suffer fools well. Granted all people make judgments on that which is gained through first sight and contact. But those who would surmise an entire person's character from a single spoken word are just asking for life to kick them in the arss.

The longer I live the more I see life as a comedic tragedy. When distanced from the pain it is almost funny how badly most things work out, and sometimes funny how the things that work well come to be. At other times, when caught up in the storm, all I see is pain, and all I feel is heartache.

So many suspicions, so many contingencies, so much that is unknown. It really is too bad that people don't talk any more. Worse so that when they do omission is chosen over truth more often than not. Going back to my idea of ironic self-destructive protection, or simply just disrespect.

Which reminds me, who was the fool who decided "what you don't know can't hurt you" because that is a terrible lie and in general a bad policy.

[REDACTED]

Life, primordially

Congratulations go out to a friend. So many are married and now having children. So here's to you guys, to your health and happiness!

She gave me a pen

Spent the past few days trying to get a new hard drive working, having cloned the old one. Also got a new old phone working, it just looks like it was hit by a car. Sitting here watching "Say Anything" which I think at about 65 min in spawned the idea for the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." 80's drama movies are interesting. They had something, some quality that makes them make me smile. Kinda like 90's action movies, they just have that quality of simple stupid honesty. It's like they're saying "yeah, our effects, script, or acting isn't the best, but all together we tell a good story."




I wish we could write our own love story, you and I

We'd meet at the market or at the bar

You'd ask me if I like dancing

I'd tell you that I love it but I can't dance

I'd ask you if you like watching movies while its raining

You'd tell me that you only watch chick flicks

And I'd admit in confidence that I do too

You'd make fun of me, but before the night is done

We'd both be watching a girlie movie, and then go dancing in the street, in the rain

I'd step on your feet, but you wouldn't care

I'd try to kiss you on the forehead before I go, and you'd head but me on accident

We'd both laugh at ourselves, in the rain, in the dark, the end to a perfect day.

Bah! Humbug!

Notice: the following post may not be suitable for children.


Damn it! Stupid idiotic hateful ire. I have heard way too many times from women that I am too good for them. Or that they are too bad for me, that their pasts are too sordid, and their problems too great. Where the hell is a woman who will give me a chance. How, along the way, did I become too good of a guy to date? What the heck is that? How does that make any sense? I'm about fed up with it. To make matters worse it appears I have lost the battle. I fought the past for the future and once again I lost. But this time I lost so much. It has not been confirmed yet, but actions speak louder than words. Even so I must now wait for the aff or the neg. Did I ever get a chance? That alone is probably the most frustrating part, having been declared the looser of the game before I was given a chance to play. But, that is the way of things, is it not? The way of this life unequal in manner or means. The way... So now what, I suppose first I await the inevitable and cross my fingers that fate grant me a real chance, then I find a new fun destructive distractive hobby (the destructive part is just to add fun). Perhaps a mindless repetitive, sensate activity, such as over-drinking, or some such other replacement. I suppose I could be constructive and build something, or put more time into that job thing...


But otherwise it's been beautiful out. Perfect cruis'n weather... Or it was yesterday... Today the dark clouds match my mood, today I yell BRING FORTH THE STORM!!!

To Wonder Why

Why do the ghosts of our past follow us into the future? Strangely enough I am not speaking of myself this time. I have a friend who is dealing with some really rough things. Things that in the past I myself have had to deal with. But my friend will not open themselves to the help of others. To make matters worse the very cause of the problem appears to be rearing its ugly head and returning to the center stage. How foolish we are as humans to allow such things. This is not a judgment on my part, but rather an observation as I am guilty of the same thing. Some problems are best left to the past, their resolution: to fade in memory as unresolved. This is because for many problems (of the social and emotional sort) there are no true, clear, or real solutions. Rather there are states of existence, they are different, but nothing will ever fix a problem, and a scar will forever remain a scar. It pains me to watch others go through what I have, and even more so to not be able to help steer them away from my own failures. But then again, the lessons we learn must be learned by us and no one else can do that learning in our place...

The Wrath of Achilles

It fascinates me the persona of Achilles. The primary source being the Iliad, but there are others. As it turns out the whole immortality thing didn't seem to exist until nearly a thousand years after the presumed war at Troy. But like I said, the persona is the key. Achilles' name is a compound in Greek (like nearly every Greek name from any epic each person's name said something about their character) meaning something like "the pain of a people" but Wikipedia defines it as "grief" which is still true to the word but slightly less accurate in my understanding. Achilles was driven by the greed of immortality, but I believe that he not only knew of his own mortality, but believed in it. I think much of himself is metaphorical. The prophecy of his death is tied to his lust. Early in life his mother is presented with the paths his life may take, he may grow old and die but live a long uneventful life, or he may be remembered forever but die young in war. See I believe that he knew well of his own mortality and that is why he sought fame so eagerly. Ironic though, and logical, that the fame of war brings death, ironic because from it grows a sense of immortality. Achilles is wronged by his superiors and insulted and not compensated for such a mis-justice. But the irony is, he fights for his own glory, and in his own rage strikes out, after a decade of idle sulking. First his stubbornness was so great that it brought the pain of loss and years to his people, and later so great was his rage that he brought shame and disgrace to all of his kind. Festering anger, unresolved emotions, such things rot in our soul and when they are brought into the light, they stink for all who see them.

The Ritual

A year and a day, otherwise known as the same day of next year, or in some cases the day after the same day of next year. It depends on the emphasis and context stupidly enough. See if given a year and a day, the interval time will occur in the next year one way or another. Such a system was known for a long time as the faery pact, but shows up in many other places still today.

The reason I bring it up is because today I celebrate such a ritual. Today is a day of solitary reflection significant to my life. As a year has seasons so does a life, and for reasons I will never understand we, as humans, spend the precious time we have left to live re-living the events of the past. Now I do admit that the past is a near sacred thing as it should be remembered and learned from. Additionally it is sacred because of the three basic temporal states, it is the only one which cannot be affected by choice. But for these reasons and to honor the memory of those I've lost, to reflect on where I am, and to remember that there is hope for what is to come I spend this day in trnas-flection. Today I shall drink to these things and begin my first step into my future. This day turns the page of the seasons of my life, just as it has in the past and shall do in the future.

If you don't already, I suggest you pick a day of special significance and use it to celebrate nothing as I have. It adds character, and will bring meaning to the other meaningless celebrations of life as you further begin to understand why ritual repetition is important as a reinforcing tool of identity. Make your own ritual and define your own identity, better to do this, then forever be defined by the world around you without your say in the matter.

Top Gear

Yeah, been a while since my last post. Been doin' lots and watching lots of this awesome show. Luckily the all mighty internet knows of the awesome. So to entertain you in the mean time, here's a bunch of stuff.

Toyota pt. 1, pt. 2, pt. 3


... I love Top Gear...

And I figure I'll give you a break from the diary like writing for a post.

Woah

Ever have those dreams that are so real that when you wake up you're unsure and confused about what really happened and what was a dream? What about a whole night of them? I'm quite confused. Granted I from what I remember of the dreams I know never happened, but I had so many that I'm bound to mix them up with real memories.

Oh well, in recent events we all pitched in to get a friend a great gag gift. He loves it, so much so that he named it Walter, and carries it around with him wherever he goes. This includes to restaurants and work. I ended up sitting on it most of the other night to help keep us from getting kicked out of a restaurant. But all things considered, he received it well... And now he's using it to torture co-workers.

Google Thy-Self

...What the heck?..

Someone messed with my blog. Also I seem to come up in an interesting variety of places. What a strange jumble of my prior posts. Kudos to whoever did such a horrendous thing. It seems to just be a program that looks for blogs and scrambles them to make funny outcomes, if you have a blog, I recommend you check for yours.

Epimetheus

Today I spent the day "bar hopping" kinda. I started at a GAR, moved on to TGIF and ended at a karaoke place, meeting (more like gathering) friends along the way. It was a good carefree day. But it started in a fun sort of way. I began the day spending time with a fair young lady. She was funny. We talked for a time, she decided to get me a drink before I ordered one. When she came back with the drink she asked me if that was what I wanted, "Because I (she) can get you (me) tea or water or beer or whatever, it's really no problem." Later she forcefully gave me a straw by reaching across the table as fast as she could nearly throwing the straw into my lap before I could respond to her question of whether or not I wanted one. She didn't throw it though, but rather placed it next to my glass. There was one other couple in the restaurant who she was attending to, so after a brief stop she whispered "I'll be right back after I get these people some wine." Later I caught the corner of her eye and she flashed a shy smile. But before it was over, she reached across the whole length of the table to take a pair of wrapped utensils and place them next to me way after I had begun eating without them (nachos and dip don't need utensils), but she said that she was "Just trying to help." It was just such an awkward form of help. Twice she almost sat down with me without thinking about it and even remarked on that, and how, at the place we used to see each other she would have. She is silly, and makes me smile. I guess its better than the last time we met and she hit me. Hahahaha. Ah, to be young and awkward. Truth is, the whole encounter was just plain fun. I enjoy her company and wish I could be graced by it more. But alas, the time is not yet right, and even then it may be wrong... But it would seem that she is trying to anticipate my needs and take care of me, though that may be looking WAY too deep into it all.

To that effect I almost wrote a letter which I did not in fact end up writing. An epimetheus if you will. See, I'm usually slow on the uptake for the perfect time for perfect words to be said to craft truly good jokes. And for some reason my mind subconsciously cranks away at words said and unsaid for hours after they are spoken. Honestly, I do not think about these things or obsess about them. I'll just be walking down the street and think randomly "I should have said X as that would have been funny." And to that effect almost wrote an awkward rambling letter about the whole sitting thing and comparing and contrasting that to a date which I have been dissuaded from in the past. It was bad, and so it was deleted. Although awkward rambling seems to be my forte (as seen in this blog) it is not what I'm often going for.

Oh well, I can't sleep and figured I'd share some about my day. It was a good day. :)

The progress of truth

It's the thought that counts

Today I was told this, by a person who I gave something to. Now normally I'd take it as an insult. Especially coming from the receiving person. But... This time, it is a complement and maybe the first time in my life that the thought has counted. I said something to someone, I did it in another language, and then I was mocked by someone else for using an online translator to help me. I do know a bit about that language, but I am parsecs from fluent and light years from even conversational. So as to not write something equivalent to the toddler speak that I may be capable of, I used the tools at hand. Luckily, even though the recipient knew I cheated, they thanked me and told me not only that, but what I had written about was wrong, yet thanked me anyways and followed up with "it's the thought that counts." Wow, the thought actually counted for something. Never before in my life has the thought counted. After cheating on a translation, then messing that up, and even writing something inapplicable to the conversation at hand, the thought counted.


the progress of truth

I am a believer in real knowledge, yet though I may laugh, I will not mock the tools of learning that are available to us today. Technology and institutionalized learning are both important parts of today's process of learning, and one is not necessarily better then another, as long as that which is being learned is true.


trolls

When a man seeks knowledge and makes a mis-step, if you correct him and he honestly seeks to learn he will thank you for your help, but if you mock him for his ignorance he will only learn to hate you. For if you mock a person who does not know any better what good do you do them if they truly seek knowledge but discourage their desire. I beg you, do not react to those who do not know as much as you as an elitist who guards the precious knowledge from them and mocks them for not knowing what you do. Such actions are folly and ignorance, for you bring insult to the very knowledge you have. By mocking the less educated all you do is discourage them from learning, and you at one point were in their shoes, uneducated and foolish. Do not build a barrier between them and what they seek, building walls to keep others out is not how you were able to learn. And it is not a fault that they do not yet know what you do.


the hero with a thousand faces

Joseph Campbell was mocked for his theories, even though movies like Star Wars, which were successful, followed his patterns to near perfection. Even worse, over time the writings of Campbell have been forgotten and discounted, yet they still apply today as the same stories get repackaged and people still buy them.

Game Day

... It's 8 am, and I'm awake... Didn't I just go to sleep?!?! ugh, now I can't get back to sleep. It's just one of those weeks, haunted once again. But luckily I have something for you dear reader (as I normally partially write these beforehand). Today I wished to switch gears to my other favorite topic and talk about some of the games coming out soon.

Of course the anticipation over if the Bliz will mess up Diablo is growing. But also some new candidates to drool over have suddenly appeared. There were rumors that Lucasarts was working on another Monkey Island game, and the rumors have been proven true. But most of all I present to you the dark horse of the selection. I had no idea that the licensing for this game was even up for grabs anymore. All I have to say is mmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmm!

Now it may seem limited, and I do keep up to date with releases and rumors of games, but I just am not too excited about some of the things on their way. I mean, ToR could be cool, but I'd rather have another NWN clone than a MMORPG. Or for goodness sake the TSL Restoration Project could wrap things up. But I guess Team Gizka isn't quite as large as the good ol' folks at Holowan Labs. I simply expect SC2 to be bad. I mean, it only took Blizzard how many years to make a squeal that might not have ripped off of a bad scifi movie? And how many new units are there? And wait, are those graphics from Warcraft 3? Yeah, not expecting much from that one. As always Bethsoft is working on a few secret projects, so there is still hope. And I have heard whispers of a nameless fear to the east, something about something about Wizards... But it is only a rumor. Until then, I shall look to the past.

Some Days

Sittin' here, drinking throwback, eatin' PB & J, and a small bag of chips. Some days are better than others. I have yet to be called back by the tutoring position. I am haunted by the past and the promises broken. I was commended yesterday on my choice to forgo the pay I get for the weekend work I do, and it was all I could do to not interrupt and ask them to stop complementing me on how good of a person I am. I am not a good person. I just made a decision that was logical, others need the money more than me... But I still need money to live. Just because I'm the bitter nice guy and I was foolish enough to put others first (others who will never repay the favor) does not mean I'm an inspiration to others. Rather I am a fool for giving up what I have. Nice guys always loose. I have never found an exception to this rule, and the corollary is that once you are a nice guy, you really cant ever go back. Your only choice is to be trampled by the world and always loose. But in one area I have decided to fight. To fight a loosing battle yet to fight none the less. I will win a worthy bride... ewwww, and I just stuck my hand in my sandwich and got jelly everywhere... I guess at least its not as bad as my drinking problem...


...Yes, today it is all about me... and for good reason as seen here...

For the kids

I know, it's been a while from my last post. Truth is not much has happened since then. Only really remarkable thing was that I've been offered several tutoring positions. I had to laugh for a good long time about this. As it turns out my degree in "English" coupled with my 6 months of subbing experience seems to make multiple people want me to tutor their kids for the writing and verbal sections of the SAT. I laugh, and rightly so, since I studied heroes, folk art, king arthur, and the like rather than actual English. But I set my own hours, wages, and pace so I'll give it a shot. Never would I have ever foreseen myself tutoring. But then again, it will pay something.

Speaking of paying something, I am hesitant to bring this up, but in an attempt to remain honest with you, I should. My church released a financial statement, they aren't doing so well. So I wrote a letter to them giving them permission to cut or cancel my salary. This was two weeks ago. Currently they are the only place I'm being paid from (in the summer I don't sub) so this will hurt. Also related to money, I got an email from one of the various jobs I applied for, they said that they liked my resume but have decided to move forward with another candidate... That just seems to be the way things have been going lately... Well, unrelated except on the thread of failure by being second place, I am still moving forward with the girl and keeping my fingers crossed rightfully so.

Gd'day chaps, catch you on the flip-side.

WASD

Wow, a week after vacation and what is there to show for it? Well, after getting back, it's almost like my vacation just kept on going. I've spent nearly every day sleeping in, out late and wasting time. I spent some time at the bar, and got hit by a girl. 'Been doing a lot of reading. Tonight I get to see the NSO's VGC. I'm excited, should be quite good. I'll probably give a post op afterwords (no sense in doing a pre-op post amirite).

And although I've said it before, I say it again... I love Atton.






...I just realized that I'm talking to a dog about me possibly being crazy... But since he is sane, he could never understand what I am going through...





The Followup:

The concert was AWESOME. The video game pianist was there, as well as Sid Meyer and some others. They played themes from Zelda, Mario, Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy, World of Warcraft, Halo, Metal Gear, Tetris... it was great. At the beginning the MC was pumping up the crowd by saying things like "Some people say games are bad for you, some say they rot your brain..." In between each the crowd would boo, but when he said "Some people say video games make you violent" some guy in the crowd yelled out "We should kill those people!" It could not have been timed or said better. I love irony. Towards the middle was a poem which I shall recite here for you, the credit goes to whoever made it and this person was not me, so without further ado, here it is.


Roses are FF0000
Violets are 0000FF

All your base are belong to us

He is...

My Way Home:

I woke up at the crack of 7 this morning to travel home with family. I got to ride with my father home which was cool. Had some interesting conversations, learned some bits of his past and heard way too much of his music. But while traveling home I came up with some interesting pondering.

1. If we study history to learn from the mistakes of the past, why don't we study / interact with the present as to implement what we learn thus not repeating those mistakes. It's like were all riding in a bus, barreling down a mountain. Ahead of us a bus just like ours went flying off a cliff and smashed onto the ground below. When a person stands up, becomes historically and presently aware they must ask "Who is driving the bus?" to which the other passengers respond "I don't know, but it's not you!"

2. The idea of the invisible monopoly, a group of like minded people decide that to make a good profit and still sell goods they must be in competition as much as lets them only raise their prices a little less than the other guy. general inflation of goods which are physically deteriorating and thus depreciating rather than appreciating as the price suggests. I know that the free market should end this theory by saying a radical producer will undercut and thus force others to improve quality or reduce price, but what about when supply is finite, like real estate?


...the most interesting man in the world:

Ha, well in the room. Today I came back from vacation, which means back to the job hunt / fight-to-the-death. I arrived back in town around 1pm, unpacked, helped the fam unpack, then went to see and thank my long distance local guide. I spent two hours at the bar while my friend tended it. But during that time I felt like the most interesting guy in the world, all thanks to her. The bar had a decent number of people at it, but to start off she poured herself a glass of water and plopped it down next to me. While the majority of the patrons asked her questions, hit on her, and told bad jokes which she laughed politely to, she would always come back around to me and ask me questions and tell me jokes. That's right, of all the attention hogging patrons who the smoking hot bartender served, she treated me like a star. I can't thank her enough for an experience like that. Making me the envy of all the other people who tried so hard to impress her, and all I did was sit quietly, drink my beer, and chat with her when she had time. Then just as I was leaving, she cut my bill in half, stating that "as a bartender she has the right to give away one direct freebie per day." and that I was the one she thought deserved it for taking my time to hang out. She's given me free drinks for years, but that's not why I keep coming back. Hahaha, wouldn't it be funny if we both were trying to earn/buy each-other's respect... when we already had received it without needing to ask? Well, I can dream.

In(ter)dependence:

The fourth was good, good time spent with friends, a fun encounter with the cops and drunken debauchery. Not all necessarily in that order, or specific to any person. A good year. A time that teaches us that yes we are free, but we also need each other to have a good time like we had.

The Hedgehog

Sonic, a place I visited today. See, I didn't think I'd have anything to talk about today as you may have noticed that yesterday's post was quite short. Well, the day is only half over (its 4pm) and I have much to talk about. Today George left early, I was finally able to get some sleep with my burns, but sadly slept through his leaving. After I got up I decided to make this vacation day mine, not my families, not my friends but mine. I stole a car and went joyriding most of the day. I checked out the local shops, ate at a sonic (they dont exist where I live), bought some liquor for my parental units (hahaha how often do I get to do that... NEVER), and randomly found myself somewhere I never expected. I stopped by an ATM to get money to buy tickets for the upcoming video game concert, but ended up spending the money on a local sports team. I had taken mom's car and it was covered in bird crap as it had been parked under a suspended wire all week, and while driving home I was flagged down by the local high school girls field hockey team. Now my memory is not perfect, but its not bad either, I often remember little things rather than big things and thus what I do remember often comes out as being creepy. Stupid memory being that way. So the Kellam field hockey team flagged me down for their car wash. I gave them some money, and then remembered that I had a friend who went there, so I ended up donating all of my video game concert ticket money to their program. If that school can produce people as cool as my friend, then I'll definitely support their programs.

WOOOO HAHAHAHA hahahaha HAHAHAHA I just found my college latin teacher on facebook! He is an awesome guy and I think I remember him swearing that he would only join when hell froze over... HAhahahaHAHAHAhaha. Love it!

Then, dinner with the Fam, walk with dad, and my plan is to see the sun set one last time on the beach... :)

Thor's day

Today, well today, today... Nothing really happened. For some reason I have convinced myself to chronicle every day that I am on vacation (as you may have noticed) on a daily basis. This plan, however, is inherently flawed. Although it is true that every day holds a significance that can be written about and expounded on, in truth I really didn't do much today. I am still burnt, and it hurts a lot, so today I didn't leave the house except for dinner.

That's all folks!

I look like a lobster...

Yes I am bright red, and smell like the sea (the clever pun was to put the name of this post and the one after it together... yeah, now you get it).

GAGH DAVID YOU NEED TO STOP SMILING!!! So I try to stay honest with you, and I'm not, so sue me. But what might be a wonderful set of coincidences seem to be coming together to form a beautiful awesomeness... or not... nope, never happened.

Today I spent the day with a cousin-by-marriage at the beach. My lower half is now bright red and hurts WAY badly. I had figured since I have so much hair on my legs that I did'nt need suntan lotion there... I was wrong, painfully wrong. But the day went well, she is growing up to be a fine young lady. She just graduated college (early) and is off to grad school. She had a fish named fido and a snail named friendly. He was a good snail.

I told my parents that the girl I know grew up here, and their first reaction: "We should invite her over for dinner." Thanks mom, I think that would be way awkward. But it makes a cute story I guess.

... by the way, "the other" I spoke of at the beginning of the month... yeah, we still talk so I'm keeping my crossed fingers crossed...

On an unrelated note, my whole body being on fire is the most pain I have felt in a good long time. I don't think this sleeping thing is going to work out since it burns more when I touch things, and sleep and burning really do not go hand in hand.

And smell like one too.

It burns... It burns so much... Well, I now have color and will probably no longer glow white in the dark... unfortunately that color is red.

So like a nerd, on my day inside (hiding from the sun) I have spent a good part of it doing internet reading. Reading specifically on my obsession of the year, welsh mythology. Though the site material used to back the validity of the statement is in question, this site suggests that it was in fact the Tuatha de Dannan who became the Sidhe (pronounced Shee as in Banshee. Basically means spirit or elf or faery). Not only is the story fascinating, but its implications shed new light on the history of the fey.

Also I came across this story. Please read it as its quite interesting. What do you think she chose?

For fun I recommend reading the religion and mythology section on the number 3.

A perfect end, to a perfect day... almost..:

I spent the last part of the day on the beach chasing sand crabs into the waves. Funny creatures, when they have no other means of escape they throw themselves headlong into the surf. I then watched the sun set, saw the ancient mists come from across the sea, and watched as the city lit up in the distance.

Then while doing pre-bed pushups I saw something under my dresser... panties... right... I'm not sure if I should be disgusted or laughing...


Notes one a Dave:

intj relationships

intj profile

My hair hurts

Yes, I must finally give in... For years I have feared, dreaded, and been in denial about this day... the day I must put sunscreen on my head because I don't have enough hair left to stop my head from burning. Right now the top of my head is red, like beat red, just the top...

Today we spent the majority of the afternoon in the city walking around. I took some pictures which I'll upload and attach. But before we get to the pictures, let me warn you that they are not appropriate for children. There is some strong adult content and nudity that I captured with my camera and will here unveil. But no worries, I don't think I need a signed form of consent and release and to prove that the beach sand is over the age of 18.





















Darn kids... or was Johnson here before me??? You decide.



Also I found this in the city. I really like this, so much in fact that I'd actually buy it. Not sure where I'd put it, but still.



Just this past weekend four that's right FOUR of my friends got married... All in one weekend...


Over-analyzation:
-small talk rarely consists of quantitative questions. Think about it, its easier and less threatening to ask a qualitative question. Additionally how do you answer? Questioning the question shows suspicion, yet questions, especially quantitative ones, are not asked without purpose. Therefore one can only reason that the answer (id est: the reason the question was asked) will come out in time.

Day deux

Ah, another day come and gone. Well, today I finished Shogun Total War and was once again declared Sei Tai Shogun. I spent a good part of the day walking the beach. On three separate occasions I walked the length of the beach, once on the upper dunes and the other times down by the surf (Note to the reader, walking on loose sand is hard and painful... totally do the surf over the dunes). I also spent a good part of my day swimming and playing with my brother (new found respect for swimmers). I figure if I spend 30+ minutes swimming each day I'm here it might offset the billions of calories I'm eating (doughnuts for breakfast, ice cream and burgers for lunch, and then a huge dinner accompanied by soda and topped off with more desert). As it turns out this is not just the place, but rather the exact place my friend grew up. She was excited to tell me about it which makes me smile. Now I've got a new itinerary of making sure to hit all the good spots in town. Its always more fun with directions given from a local, especially if that local is a friend you can trust. Funny thing is I've been to just about all the places she mentioned, granted that was years ago so I should go back (better plan than sitting on my butt and watching TV).

Today I saw dolphins and more flying fish. I also spent some time crab chasing (a wonderful pastime, should become a sport some day) and managed to corner a few long enough to pet them (yeah I know, petting crabs sounds odd, but really once you catch one of those fast camouflage buggers what are you going to do with it?). The crabs do this really cool thing when they're cornered, with their legs they do a glug glug digging stroke and then they fwump the sand on top of themselves so that only their eye-stalks poke out. So if they weren't impossible to see before, they are even harder afterwords. Also their effective vision range appears to be about sixteen feet and their top running speed is about six miles per hour (all of the numbers provided here are based on my field notes and not official data from some big wig schmancy science thingy). The real trick is, to corner them away from any other crab holes and chase them until they run out of steam (yes crabs are steam powered). This only takes two to five minutes of intense chasing. Once their steam supply is depleted they give up and pledge their eternal homage to you (...yeah that's what I said...).

I also spent the day reading about all the local ghost stories. Did you know that psychics define the words ghost and spirit differently? Ghosts are shadows of people that relive actions, they don't do much thinking but often come from unnatural deaths. Spirits on the other hand are fully aware and dangerous because they can think and act rather than just go through some motion over and over. Now you know! And the other half of the battle is violence.

Violence: the -ence makes it a quality like patience or permanence. But the Vi part is strictly latin. Vi was the root of the word Vir meaning man. But what was man to the romans? Well if girls (puellae) were a little less than boys (pueri) then women (feminae) should be related to the word men (Vir) but it's not sadly. Remember that latin had a huge amount of sexism built into the root of the language. Sadly the root Fem seems to mean more of "not masculine" where as the male root Vi means "Power, force, or ability." Much in the same way that Ki, Qi, or Chi means power. Thus reaching heaven by violence means doing it through force or power, not necessarily through bloodshed (as this could mean through great struggle, though I believe that bloodshed is the implied meaning). In the same way is violence the other half of the battle (since knowing is the first half).

Beah baby, beach baby

David is going to be so fat by the end of this vacation... By the way, I'm on vacation. And what would a vacation be without the internet :P... (but really I'm crying inside). The reason I went to the beach is hidden here. Now that I'm here, I've almost conquered all of medieval Japan with the Mori clan.

The beach is a beautiful place, it really is. The city can be seen in the distance, the waves roll and foam and the people here wave when they merge. I found a small piece of coral which I have special plans for. I even saw a flying fish. Makes me wonder what possesses them to jump up out of the water. Maybe its not their intention at all... who knows.

I learned that a friend grew up here, like right here, which is really cool. I now have some new places to explore, and some new things to write about.

...work in progress...

Curse the sand and curse the seas
I never would have thought
That I'd be jealous of thee

... still in progress...

Awesome quote of the day:

A friend: " fell asleep in the sun and burned my face..........Yup, I'm that bright....."

Me: "No see, its not your fault. The sun liked your face so much it couldn't stop staring."

Someone else: "wow, this guys good"

... awesome

Weeks worth

Turtle Time

I find myself wondering why it is people stop to help turtles across the road. I passed one today and almost stopped myself (except for the need to get to a wedding on time). Now I wonder if it is because they are naturally slow that we take pity on them. I never hear of someone helping a squirrel or deer across, and when they get hit its just unfortunate and a nuisance, rather than a sad tragedy as when a turtle gets hit.

Well, here I am, the wedding is set up, the sound is working, I've personally polished all the contact points and I'm dressed up in a monkey suit. I like weddings. Hahaha, I always get to see the bride WAY before the groom does... It is 2:53, the wedding ceremony starts at 3:00

Aftermath:

The string quartet never arrived, I had to improvise. Sorry, half of this post was written last week, and only now am I finishing it. Stuff has happened, I've been busy. Got some yard work done, spent some time with friends and applied for some jobs. Other stuff happened too and I've got links to share.

"The Princess is in Another Castle"

And its official too.

mass effect 2 and this one is cool too.

Info on TOR, part 1 and part 2

And last an interesting note on the English language.

The last day of school

I love me some sangria, and driving really fast, like, really fast. The car purrs at around 75mph and up, and that makes me smile. Music blasting, windows open, rain or shine day or night. Yeah.

Well, I've got several days and posts to catch you up on, so here we go!

A good friend of mine just retired. His last day of teaching was this week and I think he'll miss it. I had the unique opportunity of spending these last few days eating with him and generally hanging out. I think he will miss it much more than he leads on. But as he leaves the profession, I approach it. But here's to you old friend, may your life after work begin what can be called a grand adventure.

Much of my past week has been spent arranging things such that I might be able to teach in this next academic year. As of right now I'd say I've got about a 50% chance. I know enough people in enough places to get a strong foothold, and I'm going for it. But before I get there, I have a wedding to help run.

Outside of things staying very much the same, I have hope for the future. It's weird, maybe the optomism is finally rubbing off on me. I think I'm learning to love life.

Don't loose yourself

Well, for the media segment of the show I've got a bunch of things for you. First let it be known that these are quite vulgar, inappropriate, and otherwise... not for children. First I take you back to the fond memories of playing resident evil... and then the newer 4th installment... Then we move on to that classic, Metal Gear Solid... if you've played it all the way through, you'll understand. Later I urge you to check out this brief memory of Portal. And finally a look back on some classic game figures in a version of to catch a predator.


ff4 theme of love
ff6 main theme


I still want this at my wedding... In fact, I think it should replace the bride's theme. I think it conveys a sense of gentle simplicity, struggle, beauty and radiance, juxtaposed to struggle, sorrow and pain but rectified with a sense of hope and belonging... So I spent most of my college career in literary analysis, get off my back about it.

I Remember

I remember finding this poem on the SOL test, and a short excerpt of it on the SAT. The first time I saw this poem was in fact on the SOL. I was confused by how it asked us to analyze a poem that was so complex with such simple and stupid answer choices when it asked what it was about. Enjoy!

Edgar Allan Poe: Annabel Lee

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee--
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
She was a child and I was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea,
But we loved with a love that was more than love--
I and my Annabel Lee--
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud by night
Chilling my Annabel Lee;
So that her high-born kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,
Went envying her and me:--
Yes! that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of a cloud, chilling
And killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we--
Of many far wiser than we--
And neither the angels in Heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:--

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I see the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea--
In her tomb by the side of the sea.

Good Day

Other than being a Britishesque greeting(/de-greeting... leaving... well wishing...?), this is what I had today. Today was my friends' engagement party. Being in the bridal party I got a key knife and an official Man Card. Yeah! Totally awesome (also comes with two man-card suspension cards to give to friends who do un-manly things... Yeah!). Also today I got to hang with the extended families of my friends. This was loads of fun, got to hear great and wonderful childhood blackmail stories. Did loads of drinking with the sangria that Rachel and I made (ok, she made it, I added the sugar... and did the taste testing... and most of the drinking...) It was a good party on many levels. Additionally the family of the bride has offered to help me with my resume and give me advice towards becoming a teacher. Yeah!

Much better than how it started. The day began with four hours of troubleshooting viruses on a vista machine that belongs to my cousin... I really don't like vista... (so much it doesn't get a capital V... Huh!)

good day.

Breaking the Cycle

David feels like dancing, but instead is going to go on a walk, have a smoke (love those djarum blacks) and then watch the x-files with no lights on... YEAH!

I said before that I wish I could take you with me. Truth is, I know I can't not because it is impossible, but because were I to give you the choice you would decline me. I may be presuming a good deal here, but as much as I wish it were not true, I know that people do not change lightly.

Well tomorrow is the engagement party, time is flying. Today I'll be setting up. It seems like just yesterday...

Of course I am not talking about my engagement, I'm just writing in such a way as to make it ambiguous. No, I'm still looking for a fine young lady who is not repulsed by my presence... And one who I do not get bored to death spending time with... Or one who I fall for over and over again but has no interest in me... Yeah, that's about how it normally goes.

As a tribute to my nerdyness for the upcoming wedding I made a joke. I was told that there will be many things not allowed to happen on that day... but above all that means D&D jokes... to which I responded that the point has been lost. See I am David +1 on the guest list (I get to bring a guest). But I had to point out that the +1 classifies me as a magic item in D&D terms... Zing!

Well, I'm off to continue my research into the depths of the human psyche. I am reclaiming my birth right, re-practicing my social engineering skills (yes those skills I gave up in highschool because I wanted to be "honest" and not "manipulate" people). Although rusty, I am teaching myself new tricks (I'll not be an old dog yet!). I have begun with this crazy little thing called NLP...

Mixed Nuts

To those of you allergic to nuts... get your epi pens ready.

Literary Analysis

The wild man-prophet, the foolish wizard, the simple wise-man, the nutty professor. All of these are motifs used in literature, but why. Concelaing gifts and identity is dishonest, or is it prudent. In the case of the wildman-prophet, such a thing is a dual condition, the gift of the gods is balanced with the curse of man.

Lately some have remarked that by my writing they think I am depressed/ that my "optimism" is failing. But I don't think I am/ it is. I call it a new state of awareness. I find fleeting yet satisfying happiness in memory and in the simple things. The simple things I find is truly where deep happiness resides. The complex things bring with themselves a lofty mental clout and satisfaction, but it is not happiness. Granted life, as always, is depressing but happiness can still be found. I prepare to set out on an adventure, but to where or for what I do not know. I wish I could take you with me...

Memory:

I may have written about this before, it makes me laugh a bit. Back when I was in school studying judo I had an older female sparing partner. I say older, she was only really a few years older, but had much more judo experience than I. I, however, had practiced jiu-jitsu which gave me a different sort of edge. But back to the story at hand and off the trail of the lingering joke. She once told me after class that I sounded exactly like Link from The Ocarina of Time. That my kiup, my personal power shout sounded exactly like Link... and after further examination... she was right... That was the main body of my smile and my story, the wandering path that I setup with the extra back story comes into play through a joke she told. We were practicing a new type of throw and I said that it resembled a take down from jiu-jitsu, but that it left the thrower open to a counter-trip. She did not follow until I demonstrated how half way through the throw when I reversed her hold and she wound up on the ground. She then responded, "That's not fair, you can't mix the fighting styles, it's like crossing the streams, never cross the streams!" Now you Ghost Busters fans out there know exactly where that is coming from... Speaking of which have you heard about Ghost Busters III? Do the research, I'll not spoon feed you that one.

But check this out if you have the time. I came upon it while investigating this.

Lies and Deceptions

Who taught us to lie? What is it in human social development that teaches us to at times mislead our fellow man? Along those lines, who decided that white lies hurt no one? Even if a lie is said to make a truth less painful, what of when the lie is discovered? Is not more lost then, than was at risk in telling the truth? For not only is the painful truth discovered, but also the dishonesty is revealed. Lies are fascinating things. I often say that much of what I write you is a lie, and you should trust no less of me. But what if there was a way to lie without hurting people. I speak now of fiction and the creation of dreams. Lies, even white lies, have the potential for harm, which is funny because what we call fiction can be a lie used to inspire. The difference is the hidden intent I suppose, as we are first told that a thing is fiction, then choose to believe in it and be inspired. This is the inverse of the setup which a "lie" takes, for in a lie we are told or expected to believe without our own consent and are never directly given the choice to believe what is not true. I would like to think that for you I write fiction, though what I write is a lie. Although the names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the stories are modified, edited, or redacted that I do no harm to you by such, and that if you really wanted the truth you could ask me and I would tell it to the best of my ability. I hope and pray that I have not treated you as the world has treated me. Because even the white lies hurt. The white lies make a silent judgment against their recipient. Even omission is better as its judgment is different. Omission assumes that the recipient is not ready, capable, or qualified to know. The white lie assumes not only that which omission connotes, but also it treats me like a child and takes away my ability to speculate as to why I cannot know. Rather than giving me the benefit of the doubt that I will understand, it tells me what to understand and why to believe it, although it within itself is still a lie. One is passive and withholds, the other is active and both withholds and attacks.

I find it funny that such a thing is defined as thus:

White Lie
n.
An often trivial, diplomatic or well-intentioned untruth.

It is funny because these are the lies we tell to those we do not wish to hurt. But in doing so we prove that we also do not respect them. We do not respect their mental right to decide and to question. We may respect their feelings, but not enough for a truth. Funny, that we would do more harm to those we care about by trying to reduce pain... Funny.

In the mean

I have a treat for you while I regroup. I hear Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder, so that is the next step in my incredibly detailed and complex plan (actually its part of the schedule of normalcy). The play "Sure Thing" by David Ives is a great and hilarious play which I highly recommend reading. It's a bit old but the humor is timeless and the original script is a bit different from the adapted version you see up there.

Life is Good

Goals for the upcoming week:

- make a dream come true
- smile more
- take time to daydream
- continue to learn new things

Today is Yesterday, and Yesterday is Tomorrow

I've Been thinking about the whole situation, and I believe that I've come to a conclusion. Although I know that I will regret it forever, I have to stop perusing the new girl entirely. I have been in a situation like her in the past. It took me a long time to become emotionally stable again and the last thing that would have helped would have been somebody perusing a romantic relationship with me. And so it is with a lowered head that I must stop. If I respect her at all I need to let her deal with this on her own. Although I know that in doing so some other guy will step in, and I will never again get a chance. It sucks really. I had decided that a chance like this really shouldn't / doesn't happen to me, and that I'd be a huge fool to pass it up. She is unique and wonderful. I had decided to not let myself lose, to not sabotage myself and finally let myself have happiness. But nice guys always loose right. And in being sensitive to the situation, that's what I'm doing, losing. Why does it often seem that the choice is between being right and being happy... and why do I always choose to be right? I know that I am taking that phrase out of context (normally when used it refers to arguments in a relationship, where you can either be right, or happy, but not both) but if you stretch the assumed meaning of the word "right" to mean "in the right" then I think it fits for actions outside of relationships too.

That being said, I have a new plan (who and what would I be if I did not plan) and remember that I always lie.

I spent the later part of my day hanging out with an old friend who I will be running sound for at his upcoming wedding. I feel left behind. I have more friends married and with children than I can now count on two hands, many with real jobs and places to live. Yet here I am, single, living with parents, substitute teaching... yeah...

So, I have decided that I'm done with the emotional abuse I've experienced in the past and shall seek a brighter future with a stronger backbone... just a personal note. And on that topic, if I choose to throw my life away (on games or teaching), at least it was my choice... But now, back to contingency planning... yes...